AM I A POOFTA - SELF EXAMINATION TEST FOR BLOKES…

*1.* If you are over thirty, and you have a ‘six pak’ stomach,
you are gay. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with
the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing
sit-ups, aerobics, and doing diets.

*2.* If you have a cat, you are a Faaaaarking Homo. A
cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly
but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except
when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just
think about how you call a dog… “Killer, come here! I
said get your arse over here, Killer!” Now think about
how you call a cat…”Here puss puss puss, come to
daddy, snookums!” Jeeezus, you’re fit to be framed,
you’re so gay.

*3.* If you suck on lollipops, or any such nonsense,
rest assured, you are a Poofta. A straight man only
sucks on snags, prawns, crabs, crayfish, pies ‘n sauce,
a full strength smoke, an ice cold stubby, or a good set
of tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck
El Dicko and undeniably a Poof.

*4.* If you refuse to take a dump in a public dunny or
piss in a public place, you crave a deep homosexual
relationship.

*5.* If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like
a rod in the back door. Coffee is to be strong, and full
aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a
“Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim “and he will never, ever
know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you’ve
had Sacarin in your mouth, you’ve had a man there, too.

*6.* If you know more than six names of colors, or four
different types of wine, you might as well be handing
out free passes to your arse. A real man doesn’t have
memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap
as well as all the names of all the players in the AFL,
NRL, NBA, Australian Cricket team and V8 Supercar
Drivers. If you can pick out chartreuse, or you know
what “fisting” is, you’re gay. And if you can name ANY
type of textile other than denim, you are a Pooftillian.

*7.* If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget
it, you’re dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts
both hands on the wheel to ‘signal’ at a driver with
interstate number plates, or to cut the wanker off. The
rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio
station, drag back on is Winnie blue, eat a hamburger,
hold his beer, or play with his hornbag in the passenger
seat.