Kevin Bloody Wilson

September 27, 2008 - simon from scotland

A young single woman is having problems with an escaped Gorilla which has set up camp in her back garden.She phones a neighbour for advice.”Go to your front window, and throw me down all your lingerie, including what your wearing, and any Dildos you may have”.Once hes gathered them up, she shouts down “will he go away now”? He replys “i doubt it, but this will give me something to sniff and wank over for weeks”|

---

September 17, 2008 - Stuart from London

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

‘I don’t want to know,’ the child said, bursting into tears. ‘Promise me you

won’t tell me.’

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, ‘When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech.

At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech. When I was eight, you

hit me with the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech. If you’re going to tell me that

grown-ups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for.’

---

September 8, 2008 - Mad Malc from Worcs,England

An English man, an Irish man and Osama Binladen are walking down the road one day, when they come acroos a genie.
The genie says “I will grant you all one wish, so what is your desire?”
The Irish man says “I want all of Ireland to be green and pleasant for all time”
The genie says “Your wish is my command” The Irishman walks away with a big smile on his face.
Osama Binladen demands that he be allowed to go next.
He says to the genie “I demand a wall be built around all the muslim countries to stop these western infadels getting in”
The genie says “your wish is my command” Osama Binladen walks away with a big smile on his face.
The genie looks at the Englishman and says “What is your wish?”
The Englishman says to the genie “Before I make my wish, tell me a bit about this wall”.
The genie says ” Osama Binladen’s wall is 5000ft thick and 5000ft high, and nothing gets in and nothing gets out”
The Englishman looks at the genie, lights up a cigar, and with a big smile on his face says

“For my wish, I want you to fill that fucker with WATER”.

---

September 5, 2008 - John from Canada

Ole, out on the golf course, takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage,
he took himself to the doctor. He said “How bad is it doc? . . . I’m
goink on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancée, Lena, is still a wirgin -
in every vay”.

The doctor told him, “I’ll have to put your Willie in a splint to let
it heal and keep it straight. It should be ok next week.” He took
four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and
taped it all together . . quite an impressive work of art.

Ole mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their
honeymoon. That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her blouse to
reveal her beautiful untouched breasts. She said, “You’re the first
vun, Ole. No vun has *EVER* seen deez.”

Ole immediately drops his pants and replies, “Look at dis, Lena,
….still in da _*CRATE!”*_

---

September 2, 2008 - Stuart from London

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only three survivors; Bob, Tom and Cathy.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what’s natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Cathy felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tomʼs resistance to natureʼs urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Cathy.

---

September 1, 2008 - Stuart from London

An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for a US Visa.

Consul : What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz

Consul: Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week

Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : both male and female and sometimes even camels

Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!

Consul: Man,…isn’t it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style

Consul: Oh…dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast!

---

September 1, 2008 - simon from scotland

A little lad asks his grandad about sex.Its like this hes told, when you first meet its several times a day , then you get married and it becomes weekly , then as you get older it becomes monthly, and when you get really old its once a year .What about you and grandma he is asked?. He replies at our age we just have oral sex. whats that he is asked ?.He explains she goes to her room , and i go to mine she yells”FUCK YOU”, and i reply “FUCK YOU TOO”!

---

August 23, 2008 - Stuart from London

I bought a new car radio the other day, it’s voice activated. When I shout ‘country’ at it, it automatically plays Dolly Parton songs. Likewise, when I shout ‘rock’, it switches to AC/DC or Black Sabbath. Yesterday I was driving through town, and some kids ran right in front of my car. I just managed to stop in time, and was so angry that I wound down the window and yelled ‘fucking kids!’ The radio started playing Gary Glitter songs.

---

August 21, 2008 - simon from scotland

4 married blokes go away for the day fishing,the first bloke says,i had 2 promise 2 make love everynight next week 4 comming here 2day.the 2nd says i had 2 promise 2 muff the bitch 4 a whole hour non stop.the 3rd says i had 2 promise 2 muff mine every night next week. the 4th says this morning the wife started her period,so i said Anal sex or Fishing? she replied “wear your sunblock”!

---

August 21, 2008 - simon from scotland

Two women meet outside Heavens Gates. The first woman says”hi im rena”. The 2nd says “im Betty, how did u die”?.”i froze 2 death” .2nd woman “oh how horrible”.”it wasnt 2 bad,after getting colder and colder i started 2 get warm and sleepy and i died a peaceful death! how about you?” “I was sure my husband was cheating, so i came home early, but he was watching tv, so i ran around the house checking everywhere ,the attic,the basement,and all the rooms, i was so exhausted i died of a Heartattack.first woman “its a pity you never checked the freezer, wed both still be alive!”

---

August 20, 2008 - Nathan Murphy from ParkesNSW

Zebbo a 5 year old south african boy with 1 arm has to rida 7 miles a day to school on a bike that has shot brakes and no handle bars but with a small donation of 2 dollars we will send you the video tape its FUCKING HILARIOUS!!!

---

August 14, 2008 - Jeff from Singapore

Q. How do you get a fag to fuck a women?
A. You shit in her cunt.

---

June 26, 2008 - Hank the Yank from US-fucking-A

One day the Pope ended his sermon with the Latin phrase “Tuti Homini” which means “Blessed be mankind”. The next sunday a womens activist group came up and said well you blessed mankind why not womankind? so the pope ended his sermon the next sunday with Tuti Homini et Tuti Feminini, Blessed be mankind and Blessed be Womankind. The next sunday a gay rights group came up and said well you blessed mankind and womankind what about us you fuckin prick? You gonna bless us too? The pope says FINE!!!! Ill bless you to!!!!. At the end of the sermon he says Tuti Homini et Tuti Feminini et Tuti Fruiti.

---

June 5, 2008 - Darryl "Banjo" from Sydney

Q. What do you call an Abbo is a suit?
A. The defendant

---

June 5, 2008 - Darryl "Bamjo" from Sydney

An abbo walks into a pub in the northern territory with a white cockatoo on his shoulder and orders a beer, the barman looks at him and says “he’s a beauty, where did you get him from” and the cockatoo says” there’s hundreds of them lying about out there…………

---

June 5, 2008 - John from Canada

A rancher died and left everything to his devoted
wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very
little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper
for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a
drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when
no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy,
figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than
the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long
hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For week s the two of them worked hard and
the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher’s widow said ‘You have done a
really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go
into town and kick up your heels.’
The hired hand readily agreed and went into
town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he
found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a
glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
‘Unbutton my blouse and take it off,’ she said. Trembling,
he did as she directed.
‘Now take off my boots.’ He did as she asked,
ever so slowly.
‘Now take off my socks.’ He removed each gently and placed
them neatly by her boots.
‘Now take off my skirt.’
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in
the firelight.
‘Now take off my bra.’ Again, with trembling
hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: ‘If you ever
wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired!’

---

May 19, 2008 - Krazy John C from GtYarmouthEngland

A guy sees a woman with 2 kids in a shop and says to her aaaawwww twins? She said no what makes u think that? he replied well i cant believe anyone would fuck u twice u fat ugly bastard

---

May 9, 2008 - Paul from Brisbane

How do you know when a coon has broken into your house?

Your thongs are missing and the dogs been fucked.

---

May 9, 2008 - Paul from Brisbane

how do you know when a Kiwi has broken into your house?

Your Ugg boots are missing and theres love bites on the lamb roast

---

May 9, 2008 - Paul from Brissie

there once was a man from china
Who was not a very good climber
he slipped on a rock
and cut open his cock
and now he has a vagina

---

May 9, 2008 - Paul from BrisbaneAustralia

2 coons were walking down the middle of the road in the Nullabor when out of nowhere a fuckn big road train hits them.
1 was sent flying 200 meters down the road and the other went through the trucks windscreen.
Shaking the truckie gets out and calls the police, who arrive shortly, ” what the fuck am i going to do’ says the truckie.
“don’t woory mate ive got it sorted i’ll do the 1 down the road for criminal damage and leaving the scene of an accident and the other for break and enter”

---

May 3, 2008 - jackie from townsville

HOW THE FIRST PUSSY WAS MADE

six wise men made up a pussy of their own design

the first a carpenter full of wit
with a hammer and chisel he carved a split

the second a blacksmith black as coal
with a hammer and anvil he forged a hole

the third a tailor tall and thin
with a piece of pink ribbon he lined it within

the fourth a furrier short and stout
with the fur of a bear he lined it without

the fifth a fisherman old and bent
with a piece of herring he gave it a scent

the sixth a rabbi a mean little runt
fucked it and blessed it and called it a cunt!!!!!!!!!!!!

---

May 2, 2008 - John from Canada

I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth
of gas…..

….The clerk farted and gave me a receipt

---

April 14, 2008 - AyeMcHunt from Thearseendoftheworld

Q: Whats worse then sticking 11 oysters up your grandmothers cunt?
A: Licking out 12!

There once was a vampire named Mabel,
who’s periods where highly unstable,
one night at full moon,
she took out a spoon,
and drank herself under the table.

I’m a bit pissed off, I just found out I have a member of Al Quida in my family tree.
Doesn’t matter tho, the cunts been hanging there for a week.

---

March 9, 2008 - John

At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown Yuma sits a huge
Mexican. He’s having a few beers when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay fellow finally plucks up the
courage to say something to the big Mexican. Leaning over towards him, he whispers, “Do you want a blow job?”
At this, the massive Mexican leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the shit out of him, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer to the big Mexican. I’ve never seen you react like that,” he says. “Just what did he say to you?”
“I don’t know,” the big Mexican replied. “Something about a job.”

---

February 24, 2008 - Jim Morrison from Orillia,Ontario,Canada

mom got a call from my brother and she told us that he said his wife had streaked her hair. Now it was like sleeping with a new woman. Humpph says my other brother,,be like a different seat,, in the same shithouse

---

February 24, 2008 - Jim Morrison from Orillia,Ontario,Canada

since my wife is in the change of life,,my poor old dick has started thinking that my hand is a vagina

---

February 22, 2008 - stewart from england

(_!_) regular arse

(__!__) fat arse

(!) tight arse

(_*_) sore arse

(_o_) gay boy arse

(_e=mc2_) smart arse

and just for you

(_x_) kiss my arse

---

February 22, 2008 - stewart from england

hi kevin
go looks catch the eyes
but good personality catches hearts
you are blessed with both
FLATTERED
FUCK OFF IT WAS SENT TO ME I JUST
WANTED YOU TO READ IT

---

February 12, 2008 - John from Canada

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program.
The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for
the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he
weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful,sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me you can have me”.
Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the
next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself,
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
“Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most
rigorous program.”
“Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.”
The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds
a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but
pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, your ass is mine”
He lost 63 pounds that week.

---

February 12, 2008 - John

Seven kinds of Sex
**The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone , and you
both have sex
until you are blue in the face.
***The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time ,
and you are
so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
***The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time.
Your sex has
gotten routine , and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
***The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
This is when you have been with your partner for too long.
When you pass
each other in the hallway you both say “screw you.”
****The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex .
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon
and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
***The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes
you to court
and screws you in front of everyone.
And; Last, but not least,
****The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy
yourself.

---

February 12, 2008 - John from Canada

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly gate.
St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down.
You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests.
What’ll it be?” The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.”
“So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this week ‘count,’ St. Peter?”
“No, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing.”
“In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a stud.”
“So be it” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
“Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks.
“The first one should be easy,” said St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over
the Rockies, flying with the eagles.
But the second one could prove to be more difficult.”
“Why?” asked the Lord.
“He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in Canada!”

---

February 11, 2008 - John from Canada

“Send someone over quickly!”
the old woman screamed into the phone. “Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!”
“This is the Fire Department, lady,” the voice replied. “I’ll have to transfer you to the Police Department.”
“No, it’s YOU I want!” she yelled. “They need a longer ladder!”

---

February 9, 2008 - John from Canada

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.” Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?”
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
“Ralph, for the FIFTH Fuckin’ time, CHICKEN!”

---

February 9, 2008 - stewart from rochdaleengland

jack and jill are inmates at an lunatic asylum
one day jack jumps into the swimming pool trying to drown his self
jill jumps in to rescue him
the doctors are very impressed with jill and decide to release her
right jill we have some good news and some bad news for you
first the good news we have decided you are fairly sane and are letting you out
the bad news is jim as hanged himself in the bathroom
no he has’nt sys jill that’s where i left him hung up to dry

---

February 5, 2008 - Hagar from ENGLAND

Whats the difference between love,true love and showing off??
Spitting,swallowing and gargling………………………

---

February 5, 2008 - Hagar from England

What do you call 12 pakis in a back of a Land Rover??
A fuckig good day’s shooting…..

---

February 4, 2008 - John from Canada

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles, and he will stop snoring.”Yeah right!” she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring. As usual the wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and
grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog’s testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed.

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon, and ties it around her husband’s testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

In the morning, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles.

He shakes his head, looks at the dog, and whispers, “I don’t know where we were . or what we did .. but, by God, we took first and second place.”

---

January 31, 2008 - simon from invernessscotland

I parked my car in a disabled space today. the traffic warden called after me “oi mate, whats your disability?” I replied “Tourettes you ugly cunt now fuck off”.

---

January 31, 2008 - simon from invernessscotland

A man has a night out promising to be home for twelve{ yeah right}. He got in at 2.59am blazing drunk, the cukoo clock went 3 times quickly he cukooed 9 more times so his wife would think it was only 12. In the morning she asked what time he got in.About 12 he said why do you ask? well she said the cuckoo clock cuckooed 3 times said oh fuck, then cuckooed 5 more times,cleared its throat,and cuckooed 4 more times and then it farted.

---

January 25, 2008 - Norma Stitz from London

Beware of the The Three Worldly Lies:
1) Black Is Beautiful!
2) The Cheque is in the post!
3) I promise not to cum in your mouth!

---

January 25, 2008 - John from Canada

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says ‘Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness.

Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.’
You’re going to be OK, you’ll walk again, but something happened.

I’m trying to break this gently but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.’

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, ‘You’ve got £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s a
thousand pounds an inch.’

The bloke perks up at this.
So the thing is’ the doctor says, ‘it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife.
I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in
helping you make the decision.’

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

‘So’ says the doctor ‘Have you spoken with your wife?’

‘I have.’ says the fellow.

‘And has she helped you in making the decision?’

‘She has’ says the bloke.

‘And what is it?’ asks the doctor. . .

‘We’re getting a new kitchen.’

---

January 21, 2008 - Andy from NorthernIreland

2 newleyweds turn up at a hotel for their honeymoon.The receptionists asks if they have any reservations to which the bride says “I’m not to sure about sucking his cock or taking it up the arse!”

---

January 19, 2008 - tim

Did you hear Micheal Jackson got busted by the Animal Cruelty Society? He kept blowing BUBBLES!

---

January 16, 2008 - Ben Dover

Hey I’ll get the first joke of 2008

In the Second World War an Aussie ANZAC was flown out to a battle zone. His British commanding office asked : “Soldier, have you come here to die?”

The Aussie replied : ” Nah mate, I came here yesterdai”

It’s better orally than in written form!!!!!

---

January 15, 2008 - Erin from AlbionPark,Australia

A man heads out to a whorehouse in Las Vegas, looking for some action. He goes in and says to the manager, “I’m looking for a girl for the night.”

The manager replies, “I’m sorry sir, all our ladies are busy tonight.”

Crestfallen, the man looks at him, “Are you sure? I mean, don’t you have anyone available?”

“No sir,” says the manager. “But…well, if you’re up for it, we do have a chicken.”

“A chicken?! I don’t want to fuck a chicken!”

“Well I’m sorry sir, but it’s all we have available.”

The man hesitates, thinks it over, and finally accepts the manager’s offer. The manager takes his money, hands him the chicken, and shows him to a room.

So the man does his business and leaves. A week later, he shows up again, hoping for better luck.

“I’m sorry sir,” says the manager once more. “Again, all our girls are busy for the night. The chicken’s available though.”

“No, no!” replies the man. “I don’t want the chicken again.”

“We have a goat,” says the manager.

“I don’t want to fuck a goat either!” exclaims the man. “Don’t you have anything else?”

“Well, we do have a room where you can look down at one of the other customers.”

The man thinks about this, and grudgingly accepts, pays the money, and is led up to the room. There are a couple of other guys there, waiting for the curtain to be drawn. Soon it is, and they end up looking down at a guy screwing the goat.

“That’s sick!” cries the man.

“That’s nothing,” says the guy next to him. “Last week, there was some guy down there fucking a chicken!”

---

December 31, 2007 - tim from bendigo

Whats another use for a babies nappy? A tampon for a fuckin fat sheila!

---

December 30, 2007 - Garfield from England

Paddy and Mick joined the Army and enlisted in the Intelligence Corps.
For their first test the officer took them to the parade ground, pointed to the flagpole and asked them how they would calculate its height. He would be back shortly.
“I can’t climb flagpoles” said Mick. “No need” said Paddy, we’ll dig it up, lay it down and measure it that way”.
“Don’t be an idiot all your life” said Mick, “It’s the height he wants, not the length”.

---

December 20, 2007 - stewart from rochdaleengland

imagine my joy when getting out the christmas decorations i found a present i forgot to give the kids last year.
their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box…..
unfortunately it was a puppy

---

December 17, 2007 - stewart from rochdaleengland

HI THERE BOLLOCKS MERRY BASTARD CHRISTMAS AND A FUCKING COCK SHIT FANNY CUNTING HAPPY PRICK NEW YEAR!

FROM ALL YOUR FRIENDS AT THE TOURETTES SYNDROME CENTRE

---

November 17, 2007 - tony from uk

what are the 3 things you can’t give a black man?
a fat lip, a black eye, and a job.

---

November 17, 2007 - big jake from edinburgh

couple driving home one night hit something in the road .the two of them get out of the car and find out they have run over a skunk..being animal lovers they decide to take the amimal to the vet….the wife goe`s over to pick up the animal .say`s to her husband the animal is freezing its shivering..husband tells her to put the animal in the car and bettween her legs to keep it warm.the wife says but it smell`s husband say`s to hold it`s fucking nose then ………………………..jac

---

November 16, 2007 - daniel from penrith

a blind rabbit & a blind skunk ran into each other in the woods one day. “who are you?” asked the rabbit. “i dont know i’m blind.” replied the skunk. “so am i” said the rabbit, why dont we feel each other all over & try to guess what we are.” the skunk went first.” your really furrywith big floppy ears & a wee bobbed tail. your a rabbit” then the rabbit goes, “you have very thick wiry hair, horrible greasy skin, & u really stink. ure a fucking lebo.

hahhahaahhahahahahahah

---

November 16, 2007 - big jake from edinburgh

young johnny walk`s into his parents bedroom , see`s his dad shagging his mother and starts crying…his dad sees him and throws a pillow at him ,telling him to get out. alittle while later the father is walking down the stairs and hears a commotion comming from johnny`s room ,,goes in to find johnny shagging his grannie …JOHNNY SAY`S its not so funny when its your mum is it

---

November 8, 2007 - Chris Nelsen from Cardiff,UK

A prostitute gets knocked down by a car one night as she’s working, as a crowd gathers, out of luck, a doctor on his way home from working at the hospital stops to help out, after getting everyone back, he checks the whore over, “are you ok love?, anything wrong?” he asks her, “I’m blind, i’m blind, i can’t see a thing!” is her reply, “ok,” says the doc, “how many fingers have i got up?”

the hooker starts crying and screams “oh fucking hell!, i’m paralysed too?”

---

October 31, 2007 - cj from brizzieqld

your mummas so dirty that she brings the crabs to the beach

---

October 30, 2007 - ian

IVE JUST ANSWERED THE DOOR TO A 6FT BEETLE WHO SMACKED ME AROUND THE HEAD & TOLD ME TO FUCK OFF APPARENTLY THERES A NASTY BUG GOING ROUND

---

October 30, 2007 - ian from rugbyengland

JOB VACANCY small black person wanted must be flexible and willing to travel. JOB DESCRIPTION MUD FLAP

---

October 27, 2007 - simon from scotland

a black baby is given a pair of wings by God, he asks”God does this mean im an angel.” God laughs of course not you silly black fucker… your a fly.

---

October 20, 2007 - Ian from paignton

A Nutty Game

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up nuts!”

And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, “Down nuts!” And they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, “Cheer nuts!” And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, “Well… everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ‘PEANUTS!’”

---

October 20, 2007 - Ross Bullard from TweedHeads

What did the vet say to the dog that wouldn’t stop licking his balls?

Good dog.

---

October 18, 2007 - Dale from Galway

Two gays in a gay bar tugging each off under the table. Just before their climax, one said, “Julian I’ve gotta go to the toilet, don’t cum before I get back.”
5 minutes later he returns, and sees a puddle of white gooey stuff under the table, he said, “you c@@t, I told ya not to cum.”
Stacey saikd, “I didn’t cum, I just farted!”

---

October 14, 2007 - Geoff from Suffolk,UK.

Subject: Headache best one yet

Husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing

into bed when his wife complained, as usual,

“I have a headache.”

“Perfect,” her husband said.

“I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.

You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it’s up to you.”

---

October 13, 2007 - Ary Moore from StaffordEngland

A political journalist is walking around London and stops an oriental gentleman. “Excuse me sir are you a tourist?” he asks. The oriental gent replies, “No I is a Blitish citizen.” The Journo then asks, What do you think about Gordon Brown pulling out of the election?” The oriental gent replies, “Ha so, it’s a f#ckin pity his father no pull out with his election too!”

---

October 12, 2007 - Bill from LondonExSouthAfrican

Q: What is the main function of the All Black coach?
A: To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q: What’s the All Black version of a hat-trick?
A: Conceding three tries in three minutes.

Q: Why don’t the All Black backline need pre-tour travel injections?
A: Because they never catch anything.

Q: What do the All Blacks and drug addicts have in common??
A: Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

In the next edition of Chambers dictionary under ‘complacent’ it reads
“New Zealand All Blacks, RWC Quarter final, 2007″

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out “New Zealand are good enough to win the World Cup.” Snow White says “Well at least Dopey’s alive!”

Did you hear that the NZ Post Office has had to recall their latest stamps. They had pictures of All Black rugby players on them. People couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.

Did you hear about the NZ politician who was found dead in an All Black rugby jersey? The police had to dress him up in women’s underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment.

Four surgeons are taking a coffee break. The first one says, “Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything inside them is numbered.” The second surgeon says, “Nah, librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.” Third surgeon says, “Try electricians everything inside them is colour-coded.” The fourth one says, “I prefer All Black rugby players. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable.”

Q: What do you have when the All Blacks are buried up to their necks in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What do you call an New Zealander at the RWC final?
A: Ref.

How do you get a champagne cork back into the bottle?

Ask any All Black Supporter

Q. What do you call 30 guys sitting around the T.V watching the Rugby World Cup final?
A. The Wallabies and The All Blacks

Whats the difference between the ABs,Aussies and a tea bag?

The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

Ya’s hear about the new All Black and Wallaby bra?

Plenty support and no cup.

Whats the difference between an all black and an arsonist?
An arsonist wouldnt waste five matches

Graham Henry found dead in hotel room, 4.5 million suspects.

Why do the All Blacks always have two to a hotel room when they’re on tour?
So one can perform the Heimlich Manoeuvre when the other one chokes

Just heard that tons of Viagra are being shipped out to NZ and AUS, it seems that the men out there are having a problem getting a semi

Graeme Henry takes out the All Blacks for training and tells everyone to assume their normal position. So they all go and stand behind the goalposts and wait for the conversion.

Henry to be replaced by Korean coach……Win Wun Soon

Why aren’t All Blacks allowed to own dogs?

Because they can’t hold onto a lead.

Qantas are new sponsors for the All Blacks.

They offered to drop them off while taking their own team home.

An All Black fan walks into a bar with his dog just as the rugby scores come on the TV. The commentator says that The All Blacks have lost 20-18 to france in the quarter final and the dog immediately rolls over on its back, sticks its paws in the air and plays dead.

“That’s amazing,” says the barman. “What does he do when they win?”

The man scratches his head for a couple of minutes and finally replies: “I dunno…. I’ve only had him since 1989.”

An All Blacks supporter goes to his a psychiatrist, wearing nothing but a pair of pants made from cellophane. The psychiatrist says to him, “Sir, I can clearly see your nuts.”

What is the difference between a battery and an All Black?
A battery has a positive side.

---

October 11, 2007 - PT from Reading,UK

Best engine in the world…….The Vagina! It pulls anything,Its self lubricating, you can get it going with one finger, it takes any size piston and best of all every 4 weeks it does its own oil change!!!…………Pity the managment system is so fucking tempremental !!

---

October 10, 2007 - Drew Peacock from wellingborough,uk

The Australian Rugby Team thought that they had found a new sponsor in Purina Pet Foods but the Advertising Standards Agency won’t let them play with WINALOT on their shirts.

---

October 9, 2007 - Jayden from DrouinVictoria

What did teh Elephant say to the naked man?How do you breathe through that thing?

---

October 8, 2007 - PT from Reading,UK

Woman gets on a bus holding a baby, bus driver says “thats one ugly baby you got there!” woman is furious but pays her fare and sits near the back of the bus. Bloke sitting next to her notices she is upset so asks her whats wrong. She explains that she has been insulted by the driver. He says” That terrible, as a public servant he shouldnt be allowed to get away with upsetting his passengers like that!” “If I was you Id get his name and report him” woman agrees so bloke says” here you are, go now and get his name…I`ll hold your monkey!”

---

October 3, 2007 - james matthew from cornwall/truro

girl was granted two wishes.. 1st she asked for bigger tits they instantly grew to 38dd. Then she asked for a really tight cunt. she’ll proberly ring you later…

---

October 3, 2007 - james matthew from cornwall/truro

what did the bananah say to the vibrater? dont know why your shaking for she’s going to eat me.

---

October 3, 2007 - james matthew from cornwall/truro

A farmer and his wife in bed, farmer play’s with his wifes tits and say’s ere if we can get these two to work we can get rid of the cow daisy”, he then moves his hand lower and starts fiddling with her fanny and say’s ere if we can get this to work we can get rid of the chicken’s” wife leans over and grabs his cock and says” ere if we could get this to work we can get rid of your fucking brother.

---

October 3, 2007 - Booza from perth

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, “So, how’s it going down there in Hell?”
Satan replied, “Hey, things are great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God was surprised, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here.”
“No way,” replied Satan. “I like having an engineer, and I’m keeping him.”
God threatened, “Send him back up here now or I’ll sue!”
Satan laughed and answered, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

---

September 26, 2007 - Paul Clark from StAlbans-UK

A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. She promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, “I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.” So, the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, “Come on in.” When they opened the door, they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the floor, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A large man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke the window?” “Uh…yes, Sir. We’re very sorry about that,” the husband replied. “Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m a Genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but, if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.” “Wow, that’s great!” The husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.” “No problem,” said the genie. “You’ ve got it. And, I’ll also guarantee you a long, healthy life. “Now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked the wife. “I’d like
to own a gorgeous home, complete with servants, in every country in the world,” she said. “Consider it done,” the genie said. “And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!” “And now,” the couple asked in unison, “What’s your wish, Genie?” “Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, and haven’t been with a woman in
more than a thousand years, my wish is to fuck your wife!” The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, Honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?” She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?” “You know I love you, sweetheart,” said the husband. “I’d do the same for you!”So, the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop fucking, he rolled over, looked directly into her eyes, and asked, “How old are you and your husband?” “Why, we’re both 35,” she responded, breathlessly. “No kidding,” he said. “Thirty-five-years-old, and both of you still believe in genies?”.

---

September 25, 2007 - Ken from TewkesburyUK

They’ve just found Foot and Mouth in Scotland, Fuck knows where the rest of Colin McRae is!!!

Colin McRaes wife has taken all of her money out of Northern Rock, she’s now with Scottish Widows

Pavorotti’s at the Pearly Gates, St Peter hands him over to God and says “Here’s that tenor I owe you”

A black guy takes a girl home from a club. She says to him “Show me if its true what they say about you black men”,,,,So he stabbed her and nicked her purse!!!

I need a bit of advice, some bloke down the pub offered me 8 venison legs for 50 quid, is that two deer?

to try and do my bit for charity I’m doing a stall at the church fete. I’ve tied a nigger to a post I’m selling stones. It’s my brick-a-black stall

---

September 20, 2007 - Kyeanne

A girls mum was goin away 4 a while, she said 2 her daughter if daddy says no say But Mummmmmy Said, so dat night she said daddy can I eat of your plate,NO he said, But Mummmmmy said she replied, so she did. after dat her dad was gettn in da shower,daddy can i have a shower wid u,No,But mummmmmy said,so she did,That night she said daddy can I sleep with u?No ,But Mumm,Ok Ok he said get in, Daddy whats that? thats my little red indian dalin,Can I play wid it Ok Ok.

The next mornin…..
Weres daddys little red indian dalin? he said angrily. It Spat at me so I bit its head off…She was never seen again…..

---

September 18, 2007 - Paul from glasgow

A Blind rabbit meets a blind snake…..after a brief conversation they agree to feel one another and
guess what they are….

Snake go’s first……”well you’ve got pointy ears, buck teeth and a fluffy tail….your a rabbit”…..

Next it’s the rabbit turn…..”you’ve got dry scaley skin, no hair, no eyebrows, no lips and
your hissing”………………..”your that muslim bastard from Glasgow airport”……..

---

September 17, 2007 - toby howe from canberra

what gets longer when pulled, fits between your tits, inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked?
a seat belt you fuckin perv so buckle up

---

September 17, 2007 - toby howe from canberra

what do you do if you see a abo running at you with half a face?
stop laughing and re-load

---

August 31, 2007 - simon ingram from invernessscotland

Due to the numerous recent sightings of the Scottish Bear. All scottish woman are being asked to be extra vigilant when out in the countryside, and to apply very heavy ammounts of perfume,as this will keep the Red Bear at bay.However this does not work on the Black Bear . you can tell if a Black Bear is near by its droppings, they have a strong smell of PERFUME.

---

August 19, 2007 - Vic from WestMidlands,England

A young guy from California moves to Colorado and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah, I was named ‘Best Salesman in the State’ back home in California.”

Well, the boss liked the idea of that, so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

“So, Mr. Best Salesman in the State,” the boss says, “how many sales did you make?”

The kid says, “One.”

The boss says, “Just one?! My sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?”

Kid says, “$101,237.64.”

The boss is staggered — that’s more than what everyone together averages. “$101,237.64? What did you sell him?”

“Let’s see,” the kid says. “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then I asked him what he was going to pull it with, and he said he had a Honda Civic. I told him that wasn’t big enough for a boat that heavy, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him a new V8 SUV.”

“Wow!” the boss said. “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?”

Kid says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Well, since your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.’…”

---

August 16, 2007 - mark from essex,england

3 mice in a pub havin a beer discussing who the hardest. 1st mouse says ” im so hard i go up to the mouse traps, rip the cheese out and as the bar comes down i bench press it 30 time and trow it across the room” 2nd mouse says ” you puff, im so hard i get rat poison, grind it to dust and snort it” the 3rd mouse finishes his drink and get up to walk out, the other 2 mice ask him where he’s going, he replies ” im going home to f*ck the cat”

---

August 11, 2007 - Robert from PiquaOhioUSA

How do you know it’s a terrorist and not an illegal coming across the border? he says “ohlah akbar.”

---

August 10, 2007 - charlie b from uk

there’s woman in a coma for several years, while the nurse’s where bed bathin her they noticed a slight responce in her fanny, so they rushed out to her husband n explained that a bit of oral sex might bring her around, to which he agreed to doing, 5 five minutes later the machine flat lines, the nurse’s in and screamed “WHAT HAPPENED?!!” he replied “i dont know, she must have chocked”. kev ya a greatly respected man over here!!!!!

---

August 8, 2007 - davidstone[t from saltash

if a farmer grows a feild full of dildos wats his bigest problem[squatters]

---

August 7, 2007 - mark from liverpool

why wasnt the duke of edinbrough ever put on a stam?

you wouldnt know what side to spit on.

---

August 4, 2007 - charlie burgess from unitedkingdom

i know a paki called jim, i like to throw tomartoes at him, they don’t bruise when they hit the skin but these fuckers do cos they’re still in the tin.

---

August 3, 2007 - gareth from england

wife gets naked and asks hubby:”whats turns you on the most, my pretty face or my sexy body?”
hubby looks her up and down and replies: “your fu**ing sense of humour!!!!!

---

August 1, 2007 - phil from plymouth,england

Why do cows look so bored when they are being milked? Ans:- You would be bored as well if some bastard woke you at 4am then played with your tits for 2 hours and you didn’t get fucked at the end of it!!!!!!!!!!

---

July 31, 2007 - gareth from england

police in liverpool have arrested 3 of 4 well known scouse islamic terrorists; bin muggin, bin thievin and bin dealing .there was no sign of bin fu**in workin.

harry potter stories are so far fetched. i mean , i can buy the fact that magic exists, maybe even unicorns, but have you ever seen a ginger kid with two mates ?

---

July 29, 2007 - Gizza Break from London,UK

A man in the bar spends the evening chatting up an ugly middle aged woman. At closing time she invites to her home for sex, which, thanks to the beer he accepts. As they are walking up the garden path she asks him, how would you like a threesome with a mother and daughter? The man thinks his luck has changed and agrees rapidly. As they walk through the front door, the woman shouts up the stairs, Mum, put your teeth in, we,ve got a man………

---

July 26, 2007 - Ian from Corsham,Wilts,UK

Just bought my wife a new belt and bag for her birthday but she was not best pleesed.
still the vacuum cleaner is now working well!!

---

July 26, 2007 - JOSH from PenrithNSW

Non alcholic beer is like licking Your sisters cunt! It tastes the same but aint right!

---

July 23, 2007 - Bob from MaitlandNSW

I’ve just bee to my first muslim birthday party! Musical chairs was a bit slow, but fuck me pass the parcel was intense!

---

July 22, 2007 - Bob from MaitlandNSW

Arnott’s have a new biscuit called the clitoris cream. One lick and you want the whole box!

---

July 21, 2007 - gareth from england

four blokes sitting in a jacuzzi when a blob of seaman rises to the surface , one bloke said ” OK WHO`S FARTED?

---

July 21, 2007 - carl from England

What’s more fun than spinning a muslim roun a clothesline at 100mph
Stopping him with a spade!!!

---

July 21, 2007 - carl from England

A boy say’s to his mum i’v got the biggest cock in the nursery,
is it because i,m black’? No she replie’s it’s because your 25 and a fucking retard.

---

July 21, 2007 - carl from England

A little girl goes to the barbers with her father. She stand’s next to the barber’s chair eating a cake while her dad has his hair cut. The barber smile’s at her and say’s “sweetheart, your going to get hairs on your muffin”, I know she replies ” I’m gonna get bug tit’s too”.

---

July 21, 2007 - carl from England

dawn French has been arrested at manchester airport, Apparently she fell over with no knicker’s on and exposed 40 kilo of crack.

---

July 21, 2007 - carl from england

What do women and clouds have in common ?
Eventually they fuck off and it’s a nice day.

---

July 20, 2007 - Modes from Cairns

What do you call a blond in a cupboard?
Last year’s hide and seek winner.

What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association

What did the quadreplegic, spastic, mentally retarded, ugly, flat chested blond say when her dog jumped up on her?
Down Syndrome!

---

July 20, 2007 - simon from invernessscotland

3 men in a hospital fathers waiting room, an Englishman ,a Scotsman and a Nigger. the nurse comes in and tells them all that they are the proud fathers of three beautiful baby boys,but they have run out of labels and mixed the babies up. “can you help identify them by any family resemblance ” she asked. the Scot goes in first and comes out holding the Black baby,”i think you will find thats mine” said the Nigger. “fuck off , theres a 50/50 on a baby in there being English ,and im taking nae chance.

---

July 19, 2007 - steve from uk

ciggarette ban in uk 2 pakis caught smoking at glasgow airport

---

July 19, 2007 - steve from uk

new flavour crisps from walers only at glasgow airport smokey asian and barbecue jeep

---

July 18, 2007 - stewart from england

just got back from the gym
had a great new machine in there
only at it twenty minutes and felt sick
it had everything
mars bars,snickers crisps ,pepsi

---

July 18, 2007 - stewart from england

woman in jewelers
has she bends over to look at a diamond ring
she lets one rip
the salesman comes over and says
if you farted just looking at it
you’ll shit yourself when i tell you the price

man sat looking at his marriage licence
wife says what you doing
looking for the expiry date

---

July 17, 2007 - Ian from paignton

Woman in asda notices a young assistant, he has such a cute arse it makes her randy. She asks him to carry out her shopping to her car. On the way she cant hold back any more and says “ive got an itchy pussy.” He says “you’ll have to point it out love, all these fucking japanese cars look the same to me.”

---

July 8, 2007 - Hugh Janus from chesterU.K

8 muslim doctors,3 bombs , no deaths. Harold Shipman, one doctor, one syringe, 300 dead, makes you almost proud to be British

---

July 7, 2007 - simon from InvernessScotland

How do you tell lf your girl wants sex? put your hand down her pants and it feels like your feeding a horse.

---

July 7, 2007 - simon from InvernessScotland

A woman came home to find her husband swatting flies in the kitchen.”killed any yet” she asked. “yep 3 males and four females. “how can you tell the difference ? “easy” he said ” 3 were on a can of beer, 2 on the phone,one at the sink and one moaned and groaned for ages before it died.

---

July 7, 2007 - simon from InvernessScotland

I had to take a day off work yesterday, it taught me just how much my wife loves me.She was so thrilled to have me around,when the milkman and postman called , she ran outside shouting ” my husbands home, my husbands home.

---

July 4, 2007 - Stuart from Lundun

A Moslem was seated next to an Australian on a Qantas flight from London to Melbourne, Australia.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Moslem if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let
liquor touch my lips.”

The Aussie handed his drink back to the attendant and said: “Me too. I didn’t know we had a choice.”

---

July 3, 2007 - Bill from London

There was a guy in a bar one night who got really drunk, I mean really,
really, really drunk.

When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he
stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

Shocked, the nun fell to her knees but before she could do or say anything he
punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and
kicked her in the bum, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn’t move very much.

Then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and

said………………………………………………………………

“NOT VERY STRONG TONIGHT, ARE YOU, BATMAN?”

---

July 3, 2007 - isac hunt from blackburn,lancs

Man buys a house that is infested with pigeons. His mate says “i have magic pink pigeon that is like pied piper, it will lure
the birds out to sea, dive in and all the others will follow and drown while the magic pigeon can swim.

nothing to loose he tries it, Sure enough it works!
” FUCKIN ELL that is great” he tells his mate

i don’t suppose you have a magic pink PAKI as well !!!

---

July 2, 2007 - mat from QLD

What do you say to your wife with 2 black eyes?
ans; Nothign u ahve already told the bitch twice.

Whats black and blue and hates sex?
ans: A rape Victim

How do u give a dog a bone?
Ans; Tickle his balls

---

June 30, 2007 - Bob from MaitlandNSW

Got a postcard from a blonde friend of mine. She said, “Having a good time. Where th fuck am i?”

---

June 30, 2007 - simon from invernessscotland

A young woman gets a job teaching at an all boys school.At break she looks out the window to see all the boys playing football except one whose all alone. When she looks again at lunch time its the same ,all playing football except this one lad.she goes to see the headmaster with her concerns, demanding the boys file is checked. The headmaster explaines,”HES THE FUCKING GOALKEEPER”!

---

June 28, 2007 - noj from eire

i went for a health check-up on thursday and the district nurse told me i had to stop wanking. i asked her why and she said “because i’m trying to examine you!”

---

June 23, 2007 - Rodney Widt from MountMorgan,Queensland

Q: What happens when you give a polition viagra?
A: He gets taller

Q: Why are divorces so expensive?
A: Cause they’re worth it

---

June 23, 2007 - Rodney Widt from MountMorgan,Queensland

Q: What’s the last thing that goes through a grasshoppers mind when he hits the windscreen??

A: His Ass

---

June 23, 2007 - Rodney Widt from MountMorganQueensland

An Alien lands in the outback to find and aboriginal dancin…. The alien says “Lets zap away a quarter of his brain and see what happens.” ZAP.. The aboriginal stops for 2 seconds and starts dancin again… The alien zaps away another quarter of his brain.. ZAP.. The aboriginal stops for 2 seconds and starts dancin again… The alien zaps away the rest of his brain… ZAP.. And the aborginal stops for 2 seconds and then starts to do that hakka..

---

June 22, 2007 - Glenn from Australia

what is the defference between a gay person and a rooster? A rooster says cock-a-doodle-do and a gay say any cock will do

---

June 22, 2007 - phil from plymouth,england

40 years ago if a black guy was being chased across the fields by a mob of white guys it was called the Klu Klux Klan. These days it’s called the U.S.Open.

Blioke arrives at his honeymoon hotel and checks in. Ten minutes later he comes back down from his room with his fishing rod and tackle box. He asks the desk clerk where the best night fishing is in the area. The clerk says to him ” isn’t this your honeymoon”? to which he replied “yes, but tell me about the night fishing”. The clerk says “shouldn’t you be upstairs rooting the brains out of your new wife”? He says “not fuckin likely she’s got gonorrhoea” and the clerk says “well stick it up her ass”. The bloke says “not fuckin likely she’s got diarrhoea”. “Fuckin hell” says the clerk “get her to suck it then”. Not fuckin likely” says the bloke “she’s got pyorrhoea”. “Fuckin hell” says the clerk, “gonorrhoea, diarrhoea, pyorrhoea why the fuk did you marry her”? “well” he said, “got to get my maggots from somewhere”.

---

June 20, 2007 - Beef from Wollongong

Q: How do you know when you’ve walked into a gay church?
A: Only half the congregation are on their knees.

---

June 20, 2007 - Beef from Wollongong

A bloke was drinking at his local and he went to take a slash. He stood there at the urinal and started pissing, when the end of his dick fell off. The bloke next to him said, “If I were you, I would pick up the end of your penis, take it to the doctors, and they will sew it back on with microsurgery. So the man picked up the end of his dick, put it in his pocket and jumped in his car and drove to the doctors. He Said “Doctor, I’ve just had a terrible accident, the end of my penis has dropped off!” The Doctor said, “Give it to me immediately, I will sew it back on with microsurgery.” So the man gave the end of his dick to the doctor. The doctor took one look and said “That is not the end of your penis. That is a marshmallow.” The bloke said “It can’t be i’ve just finished eating the last one on the way here.”

---

June 17, 2007 - Billie from peterboroughengland

What’s the difference between eating pussy and driving in a snow storm?
When you eat pussy,you can always see the arsehole in front of you.

---

June 17, 2007 - Bob from MaitlandNSW

Kev walks into a bar & sees his mate Bob sitting there drownin his sorrows in a beer. “What’s up mate?” Kev asks. “Me girlfriend died a week ago.” Says Bob. “Shit that’s terrible!” says Kev, “yeah” says Bob, ” the sex is still good, but the bloody dishes are pilin up.”

---

June 16, 2007 - cal from GREATbritain

just been offered a new job £500 a week with the brittke bone society i snapped his fucking hand off

---

June 16, 2007 - cal from GREATbritain

grandma says to young grandson be a love & help me put this suppositery in, cousre i will he says she bends over & pull her kinckers down & spreds her legs, grandson says do i put it in the brown hole gran or feed it to the turkey

---

June 15, 2007 - simon from InvernessScotland

Two Gas Service men are reading Gas Meters out in the country, ones about to retire the young lad will be taking over from him. They come to a remote farmhouse where they have to park the van and walk the last half mile to the house.once the outdoor meter is read, the older man challenges the young lad to a race back to the van ,to prove hes still got it. they are both running flat out neck and neck. when suddenly the old lady of the house sprints passed them. she says “bastards next time tell me about a Gas Leak!

---

June 12, 2007 - Tania Holland from NewZealand

A woman is crawling across the floor on all fours with cum dribbling out of her arse and both sides of her mouth. What does that tell you? Your floors level.

---

June 11, 2007 - Bob Melmouth from MaitlandNSW

We had a blackout the other night, but it’s okay, the cops caught him & put him back in the paddy wagon.

---

June 9, 2007 - Beef from Wollongong

Q: Why do coons paint their garbage bins red & yellow?
A: So the kids think they’re eating out at McDonalds.

Q: What’s long, black and smelly?
A: The line at Centrelink.

---

June 9, 2007 - Beef from Wollongong,Aust

Q: How do you know when your woman is ready for a root?
A: When you’ve got a fat.

Q:How do you know when you woman’s had enough sex?
A: When you’ve shot your load.

Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A: Coz they think men give a shit.

---

June 9, 2007 - Kevin Dyck from RosedaleBCCanada

The first thing I did after my divorce was put a tampon on top of the T.V., to remind me of the cunt who took the VCR!

---

June 9, 2007 - simon from inverness,Scotland

John and Mary live in a one bedroom high rise flat with their 8 year old son Jimmy . The only time they can have good sex is on a sunday afternoon when they send him out on to the balcony with an icecream and get him to shout 2 them 2 let them know whats happening in their neighbourhood. “the jones dog has got a bucket on its head, Cathys car has a new dent in its back wing, oh and the Browns are having sex!” . “what ” they said “how do you know” ? “young walters on the balcony eating an icecream” he said.

---

June 9, 2007 - simon from inverness,Scotland

A wee boy caught his dad shagging his mum.asks them what were they doing? Dad says, were making fairy cakes son! A few days later at breakfast son says to his dad ,you and mum made fairy cakes again last night. How do you know that son ? Because ive just licked the icing off the bed !!

---

June 7, 2007 - tim from bendigo

A COUPLE OF BLOKES SITTING IN THE PUB TALKING ABOUT THIER OTHER HALVES WHEN THE SUBJECT TURNED TO WOMENS PERIODS,WHEN ONE BLOKE PIPED UP AND SAID IT LOKS LIKE THE CUNTS HAVE HAD THIER THROATS CUT.

---

June 6, 2007 - phil

2 nuns riding through the outback when they are held up by an outback outlaw. He makes them get down off their horses finding they have no valuables, rapes each of them in turn. He then lets them free to continue their journey. After about ten minutes one nun says to the other, “what will we tell mother superior, raped twice in one day”? The other nun says “what do you mean twice”? the first nun says “well we are coming back this way aren’t we”?

2 nuns out for a horse ride when one says “I@ve never come this way before” and the other nun replies “no, good isn’t it”!

---

June 3, 2007 - simon from invernessscotland

An Eskimo family visited the big city for the first time. The mother and daughter went off to shop till they dropped, whilst the father and son watched an elevator for the first time. people went in , the big silver doors closed and they were tele-ported God knows where, just then an ugly old woman went in,and when the doors reopened a beautiful 21 year old walked out. “go and get your mother ” he said

---

May 29, 2007 - Hocks

Basic Bar Translations
1. “YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME.”
(We won’t be here long enough to get another round.)

2. “I’LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU.”
(Happy hour is about to end… beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.)

3. “HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?”
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

4. “WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?”
(What’s cheap?)

5. “I’LL HAVE A GLASS OF HOUSE WHITE.”(FEMALE)
(I’m easy.)

6. “I’LL HAVE A GLASS OF HOUSE WHITE (MALE)
(I’m gay.)

7. “I’LL HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN.” (FEMALE)
(I’m really easy.)

8. “I’LL HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN.” (MALE)
(I’m really gay.)

9. “DO YOU HAVE ANY SAMBUCA?”
(I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning.)

10. “EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?” (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

11. “EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?” (FEMALE TO MALE)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, can you imagine what I’ll do to you in bed?)

12. “CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?” (FEMALE)
(I am really annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

13. “CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?” (MALE)
(It’s 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking 1/2 hour ago. Hell, I probably spent half my paycheck in here last night, it is the least you can do for me.)

14. “I DON’T FEEL WELL, LET’S GO HOME.” (FEMALE)
(You’re paying more attention to your friends than to me.)

15. I DON’T FEEL WELL, LET’S GO HOME.” (MALE)
(I’m horny.)

16. “WHO’S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?”
(I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

17. “EXCUSE ME.” (MALE TO MALE)
(Get the hell out of the way.)

18. “EXCUSE ME.” (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am going to grope you now and blame it on the crowd.)

19. “EXCUSE ME.” (FEMALE TO MALE)
(Don’t even think about groping me, just get the hell out of my
way.)

20. “EXCUSE ME.” (FEMALE TO FEMALE)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You’re certainly not all that, missy, coming in here dressed like a ho… And get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you like the slut you are, bitch.)

21. “THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR.”
(Did I sleep with him/her?)

22. “I DON’T HAVE MY ID ON ME.” (FEMALE)
(I’m 16.)

23. “I DON’T HAVE MY ID ON ME.” (MALE)
(I don’t have a licence since I got pulled over and blew a .4 after my last visit here.)

24. “NO, REALLY, I’M OK TO DRIVE.”
(I’m wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.)

25. “I’M NOT USED TO THESE DARTS.”
(I’m can’t throw anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.)

26. “LET’S GO OUT TO MY CAR AND GET SOME CIGARETTES.” (MALE TO FEMALE)
(You would look great face down in my lap.)

27. “I’VE HAD LIKE 10 BEERS ALREADY.”
(I’ve only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.)

28. “YOU GO AHEAD, I’LL CATCH A CAB.”
(I already lined up a ride home with your ‘ex’.)

---

May 29, 2007 - Hocks

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.
Devil: Why so glum?
Guy: Why do you think? I’m in hell.
Devil: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure I love to drink.
Devil: We’ll you’re gonna love Mondays, then. On Mondays that’s all we do.
Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Mountain Dew. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Devil: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it.
Devil: All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it’s okay…you’re already dead!
Guy: No way!
Devil: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horseraces; you name it. We’ve even opened up a Pai Gow poker table.
Guy: Hmmm, I’ve never played pai gow before…
Devil: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love drugs! You don’t mean …
Devil: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. You can do all the drugs you want. If you overdose? It’s okay! You’re already dead!!
Guy: Yes! I never realized that hell was such a swinging place!! Devil:
So… are you gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), you are gonna HATE Fridays!

---

May 29, 2007 - Hocks

Receptionist: “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we
have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the
samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain
which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.”

Mr. Smith: “What do you mean?”

Receptionist: “Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer
disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife.”

Mr Smith: “That’s terrible! What am I supposed to do now?”

Receptionist: “The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the
middle of town and if she finds her way home, don’t fuck her.”

---

May 29, 2007 - Hocks

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is:

“I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Rugby.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty ?
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Corvette and a Boat”).

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not, don’t you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I’d get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: ( makes audible groan )
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can’t use them; she’s left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Oh bugger.

---

May 29, 2007 - Hocks

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing.
She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The casecame up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this, When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I had to smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Slogan’s liniment will reduce the swelling” and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick” and I could hardly control myself.
BUT….when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident” I laughed out loud.

“Case Dismissed” said the Judge.

---

May 29, 2007 - Hocks

A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a
5-story hotel with a sign that reads “For Women Only”
Since they were without their boyfriends or parents, they decide to go
in.
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.
“We have 5 floors…go up floor by floor, and once
you find what you are looking for, you can stay there.
It’s easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what’s
inside”

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads
“All the men here have it short and thin” …the friends laugh
and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the Second floor reads ”
All the men here have it long and thin”.

Still, this wasn’t good enough so the friends move
up to the Third floor, where the sign read
“All the men here have it short and thick”.

This was still another disappointment, but knowing there are
still 2 floors left, they move on to the next floor.
In the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect.
“All the men here have it long and thick”

The women get all excited and are going in when
they realize that there is one floor left.
Wondering what they were missing,
they go to the Fifth floor, where the sign read”

“There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove
that there is no way to please a woman” !!!!!!!!!

---

May 29, 2007 - Hocks

The other night I was invited out for a night with “the boys.”
I told my girlfriend that I would be home by midnight … promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy.
At around 3 A.M., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up,and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, I realized she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning my girlfriend asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o’clock. She didn’t seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why she said “Well, it cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh f##k,’ cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times,giggled, cuckooed twice more and then farted.

---

May 29, 2007 - Hocks

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned,
so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph’s condition could be cured through corrective surgery.

“How long will Ralph be on crutches?”, the wife asked anxiously.

“Crutches? Why would he need crutches?”, responded the surprised doctor.

“Well,” said the wife coldly, “You ARE planning to lengthen Ralph’s legs, aren’t you?”

———-

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end
to it by arousing his jealousy. “What would you say if I told you that
I’ve been sleeping with your best friend?” she asked provocatively.
“Well,” he mused, “I’d say that you’re a lesbian.”

---

May 29, 2007 - Hocks

The Ant and the Grasshopper

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper
thinks he’s a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has
no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

========================================================

MODERN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The
grasshopper thinks he’s a fool and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference
and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and
well fed while others are cold and starving. TV1 and TV3 show up to
provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in
his comfortable home with a table filled with food. NZ is stunned
by the sharp contrast.
How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor
grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association of Green
Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with “green bias,” and
makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years
of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on Holmes with the
grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings “It’s Not Easy Being
Green.”

Jim and Helen Clarke make a special guest appearance on a hour
long Holmes Special to tell a concerned Paul Holmes that they will do
everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity
he
deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the National summers, or
as
Jim refers to it, the “Temperatures of the 90’s.”

Rod Donald and Sue Bradford exclaim in an interview with John
Campbell that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and
calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his “fair
share.”
Finally, the Combined Trade Unions draft the “Economic Equity and
Anti-Greenism Act” retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
This is immediately rushed through the house under urgency
together with a bill deregulating the practise of advanced and general
medicine,
prescription of drugs and general dentistry in favour of
midwives. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate
number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive
taxes, his home is confiscated by the government . Sue Bradford and Helen
Clarke lead an all night vigil outside his home on the night before
eviction chanting “shame, shame, shame ” throughout the night , ( but in a
culturally sensitive manner ).

Jim gets the Crown Law Office to represent the grasshopper in a
defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of
judges that Helen appointed from a list of single-parent
welfare mums who can only hear cases on Thursday’s between 1:30
and 3pm when there are no talk shows scheduled. The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last
bits of the ant’s food while the government house he’s in, which just
happens
to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around him since he doesn’t know
how to maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the
grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant’s food, they are showing Jim
and Helen standing before a wildly applauding group of politicians
announcing that a new era of “fairness” has dawned in New Zealand.

_
/’_/)
,/_ /
/ /
/’_'/’ ‘/’__’7,
/’/ / / /”/_\
(’( ‘ ‘ _~/’ ‘)
\ ‘ /
‘\’ \ _.7′
\ (
\ \

---

May 29, 2007 - Hocks

There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for ranch hands. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long, hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher’s wife said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job and we’ve both done nothing but work for weeks. The ranch looks great, and I’m taking Saturday night off and going into town to kick up my heels and paint the town red, and I think you should do the same. “The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night each went to town. The rancher’s wife had dinner and a lot of drinks with friends, and talked and joked and danced, and had a great time, getting home about midnight. The hired hand wasn’t home yet, so she decided to wait up for him.
One o’clock and no hired hand yet. Two o’clock and no hired hand and she began to worry.
At two-thirty in came the hired hand.
The rancher’s wife was sitting by the fireplace and called him over by her. “Now I’m the boss,” she said, “and you have to do what I tell you, right?”
“Well, yes,” he answered.
“Then unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said. He did as she asked.
“Now take off my shoes.”
He did.
“Now take off my stockings.”
He did.
“Now take off my skirt.”
He did.
“Now take off my bra.”
Again he did as she asked.
“Now take off my panties.”
And again he did what she told him.
Then she looked at him and said; “Don’t ever wear my clothes to town again.”

---

May 29, 2007 - Hocks from NZ

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them, through the windshield.

Quick, quick shouts Sister Marilyn. What shall we do?

Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination, says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

What shall I do now? she shouts.

Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican, says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

Now what? shouts Sister Marilyn. As Dracula hangs on.

Show him your cross, says Sister Helen.

Now youre talking,says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, …

“Get the Fuck off our car Cunt”

---

May 28, 2007 - stewart from england

HAD A CAR CRASH THIS MORNING
OTHER DRIVER WAS A DWARF
HE GOT OUT AND SAID”I’M NOT HAPPY”
I SAID “WHICH ONE ARE YOU THEN”

---

May 26, 2007 - phil from plymouthengland

Teacher says to Kev, ” why have you brought your cat to school Kevin?” Kev replied, “well Miss I heard the postman say to mummy, as soon as the kids have gone to school, I’m going to eat your pussy”!!!!

---

May 26, 2007 - mike fry from brisbanequeensland

A young boy asked his dad for a new pushbike. His dad said no way not now .Your mum just got sacked and the mortgage is $360,000 , so no way can you get a new bike. Next morning dad found his son in the hall way with his bag packed.” Where are you going?” dad asked. “I’m leaving ” the lad replied
“Why?”asked dad
‘Cos last night night when i was passing your room I heard you say you were pulling out. Mum said she was coming and i’ll be fucked if i’m staying here alone with a $360,000 mortgage and NO bike!!

---

May 26, 2007 - Vic from WestMidlands,England

A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.
The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the “Butcher Dance.”
The guy’s a bit confused and says, “Butcher Dance? What’s that?”
“What? You no see Butcher Dance?”
“No, I’ve never heard of it.”
“Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?”
“Umm. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?”
“No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree.”
“Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?”
“Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance.”
“Look, I’ve been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance.”
“OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles ’til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving.
You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days ’til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day ’til you see pass through mountains.
Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days ’til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man’s head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance.”
So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he’s forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn’t reach the tree until dusk and he’s forced to set up camp for the night.
He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he’s excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.
True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life’s dream.
The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.
When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.
Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.
Once he’s recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film their Butcher Dance.
“Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance.”
“Well, when do you hold the next dance?”
“Not ’til next year.”
“Well, I’ve come all this way. Couldn’t you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?”
“No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year.”
The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.
The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.
Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.
They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.
Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.
Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.
“The Butcher Dance!” gasps the guy. “Please don’t tell me I’m too late!”
The chief recognizes him and says “No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time.”
Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night’s ritual on film as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird’s feathers and animal skins.
Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.
A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, “What’s he doing?”
“Hush,” whispers the chief. “You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year.”
The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.
The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.
The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing,
He says, “You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about…”

---

May 20, 2007 - simon from InvernessScotland

A young red indian brave called “small manhood” approached the chief “laysemwell” “i am 17 now , can i start having sex with some of our tribal squaws” he asked.”no said the chief we cant have you spoiling our squaws with your fumblings, you must go into the woods and practise on the trees for a few weeks first”.
After three weeks he returned to the chief”i am ready” he said. “ok said the chief you can spend the night with” tender flower”, i broke her in last night myself.” Which one is she” he said ,”thats her bending over washing her smalls at the watering hole “.said the chief. “small manhood raced down to the bending squaw and kicked her as hard as he could, “what the fuck”she said.”Just making sure youve got no BEES” he said .

---

May 20, 2007 - simon from InvernessScotland

Little Jimmy wakes up one night needing th e toilet as he passes his parents room he can see them having sex. Before they know hes jumped on dads back shouting”bucking Bronco”, its so dark they carry on .Suddenly the mother starts squerming and moaning “hang on tight dad ” says Jimmy “this is where the milkman and i get Bucked Off”.

---

May 20, 2007 - simon from invernessscotland

Two guys drinking in a bar . The first one says”do you ever think about something,and when you go to talk you say something you dont mean to say?The second guy says”yeah i was at the airport buying two tickets ,and the girl had huge tits,instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburg ,i asked for two to Titsburg.” The first guy says “yeah well i was having breakfast with my wife today,and instead of saying honey please pass the sugar? i said Youve ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH”.

---

May 20, 2007 - simon from invernessscotland

A guy gets off with a girl from the local fairground. They go back to her caravan, in her bedroom he notices shes got loads of soft toys everywhere. They have good sex ,he says “how was i “? she said “you can have anything from the bottom shelf over there”!

---

May 20, 2007 - simon from inverness

A woman in a restaurant is choking on her food, quick as a flash the man from the next table spins her around bends her over and pulls her pants off and licks her butthole. She is so shocked she coughs up what she was choking on.