Kevin Bloody Wilson

February 4, 2010 - matt from bendigo

how do you know your mates a poofter?

his cock tastes like shit

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November 19, 2009 - stewart from rochdale

wife with PMT shouts from kitchen
” what do you want for tea”
husband replies”what are the choices”
wife says “YES OR FUCKING NO”

at a charity pantomime for homosexual paranoid schizoprenics
there was absolute chaos when somebody shouted
“HE’S BEHIND YOU”

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November 12, 2009 - sol from liverpool-england

A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.

He looks between her legs, and he says, “What’s that?”

She says, “It’s me lower mouth.”

He says, “What do you mean, ‘your lower mouth?’”

She says, “Just what I said, it’s me lower mouth. It’s got a moustache… It’s got lips…”

He asks, “Has it got a tongue in it?”

She says, “Not yet. . .”

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November 5, 2009 - matt from norfolkuk

This morning i was followed by a woman driving a bmw at 90mph, when i saw she was doing her makeup it scared me so much that i dropped my razor knocking my bacon butty out of my other hand it landed in my coffee splashing and burning my bollocks causing me to drop my phone that knocked my fag out of my mouth setting light to my news paper that ruined my shirt! fucking women drivers are bloody dangerous.

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November 5, 2009 - matt from norfolkuk

Whats the difference between a paki wedding and a 69? in a 69 you only have to kiss 1 smelly cunt

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November 5, 2009 - matt from norfolkuk

Just seen a sign in a shop window that said, “i would rather serve 500 paki’s than 1 english soldier” who said undertakers dont have a sense of humour!

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November 5, 2009 - matt from norfolkuk

A man says to his wife, “me you and the dog are going fishing” the wife says, “i dont want to go” so the man says, “you have got 3 choices, you can come fishing, give me a blow job or take it up the arse” so the wife says she will give him a blow job. While she is sucking it she says “your cock tastes like shit!” and the man says “yeah, the dog didnt want to go fishing either”.

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November 5, 2009 - matt from norfolkuk

A ventriloquist is touring his act. Doing his show one night with his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde shouts, i’ve heard enough of your fuckin stupid blonde jokes! what does the colour of a persons hair have to do with their worth as a human being? its men like you who keep woman like me from being respect! the red faced ventriloquist begins to apologise, but the blonde shouts, you stay out of this mate! i’m talking to that little fucking wanker on your knee!

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November 5, 2009 - matt from norfolkuk

Dr Smith sleeps with one of his patients in a weak moment. he is tortured with guilt. in one ear his conscience is saying….You are a single man, Dont worry about it…… In his other ear his conscience is saying…..You are a fucking vet you sick bastard!!

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November 5, 2009 - stewart from england

A WOMANS POEM
before i lay me down to sleep
i pray for a man who’s not a creep
one who’s handsome,smart and stong
one who loves to listen long
one who thinks before he speaks
one who’ll call not wait for weeks
i pray he’s rich and selfemployed
and when i spend,won’t get annoyed
pull out my chair and hold my hand
massage my feet and always
understand….

A MANS POEM
i pray for a deaf mute gymnast
nymphomaniac with big tits
and fanny tighter than a mouses waistcoat
who owns a puband loves the taste of cum
occaisonally takes it up the ass
this dosen’t even rhyme but who gives a fuck
poetry is for girls

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October 20, 2009 - shane atkins from baldivisperth

a young man goes to pick up his girlfriend at her parents house for a night out
he knocks on the door and she answers and says to her boyfriend i just have to go out for 10 minutes just go in and sit with my parents and watch the footy till i get back.and dont worry about having to talk to them cause they are deaf and dumb,so he says if thats the case i can do that.
he goes and sits down and the girlfriend leaves.after five minutes of silence watching the football the mother stands up pulls down her pants and throws her glass of red wine on her pussy then sits back down.he tries to ignore what he has just seen then the oldman stands up pulls down his pants gives himself a flogging in front of him then pulls out a box of matches takes out 1 match sits down and stares at it.
the boyfriends sitting there disgusted by what he has just seen tries to hide his face then bolts for the knock at the door.
he opens it to his girlfriend and says thank god your here your parents are sick people.she says why is that.well your mum pulled her pants down hrew red wine on her pussy then your dad had a flog in front of me and now hes sitting there staring at a match.she says i told you they were deaf and dumb,he says whats that got to do with what they did,she you have to read the sign language.he says what sign language.she says well mum said get the cunt a drink and dad said leave the wanker alone and watch the match….hope you like.KBW you rock

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October 8, 2009 - Fishy from MossValeNSW

a blond was going to kill herself by jumping off a bridge. A trucky pulled up and said ‘if your going to kill yourself give me a blow job’
so she did so when she finished the trucky said out of couriosity why are you going to kill your self she said because my parents don’t like me dressing up as a girl

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October 4, 2009 - Robbie from Isleofman

Saw a mate the other day, he’s only got one arm.
“Where you off to” i shouted
“To change a light bulb,”he said
“Thats going to be awkward isin’t it?”
“Not really…” he said “I’ve still got the receipt”.

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September 17, 2009 - stewart from rochdale

is it too early to ask
whoopi goldburg if she’s
heard from patrick swayze yet

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August 22, 2009 - Stuart from London

A man has ‘I love you’ tattooed on his penis. He goes home and shows it to his wife.
She says: “There you go again, you’re always putting words in my mouth!’

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August 22, 2009 - Stuart from London

Teacher says to little Tommy: ‘Why weren’t you at school yesterday?’
Tommy says:’My grandad got burnt’.
Teacher says: ‘Badly?’
Little Tommy answers: ‘Yes, they don’t fuck about at the crematorium.’

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August 22, 2009 - Stuart from London

The Australian Cricket Board launched a new website on Friday August 21. The URL is www.WWWWWWWWWW.com

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August 22, 2009 - dodge from bognorregisengland

as its the height of british summer and im very childish, i thought id join in the water fight with the two paki kids next door, once my kettle had boiled, i knew there was only ever gonna be one winner.

cant wait to see ya in worthing next month kev.

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August 18, 2009 - Stuart from London

Q: What is the correct medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris?

A: The wife

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August 15, 2009 - Chris from NewYork

How did the redneck mother know her daughter was having a period? She tasted it on her son’s cock!

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August 11, 2009 - Bob from NSWAustralia

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

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August 10, 2009 - stewart from rochdaleengland

had to get a blood transfusion
and they give me 2 pints of nigger blood
and 2 pints of paki blood
but on the plus side
my cocks six inches longer
and i’m top of the housing list

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August 6, 2009 - BIG BAD BOB from LIVERPOOL,ENGLAND

SKINNY WHITE GUY GETS INTO AN ELEVATOR AND SEES THIS HUGE BLACK GUY IN THE CORNER.
BLACK GUY SAYS “BEFORE YOU ASK, I’M 7 FOOT 6 INCHES TALL, WEIGH 350 POUNDS AND HAVE A 20 INCH PENIS.
MY BALLS WEIGH 3 POUNDS EACH. TURNER BROWN IS THE NAME”

THE WHITE GUY FAINTS DEAD AWAY AND WHEN HE COMES ROUND SAYS TO THE BLACK GUY “WHAT WAS THAT LAST THING YOU SAID BEFORE I PASSED OUT?”

THE BLACK GUY REPEATS “TURNER BROWN IS MY NAME”

THE WHITE GUY SAYS “THANK FUCK FOR THAT! I THOUGHT YOU SAID TURN AROUND!”

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August 5, 2009 - isac hunt from England

What’s the difference between Andrew Strauss and Jack Tweed?
Jack Tweed will be the only one with Ashes on his mantlepiece in the summer.

The phone rings in the Australian Cricket Team’s changing room.
“G’day. Could I speak to Ricky Ponting, please?”
“Aww, look, sorry mate, he’s just gone out to bat.”
“Oh, that’s alright, mate. I’ll hang on.”

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August 4, 2009 - Krazy John C from GtYarmouthEngland

So Michael Jackson hangs a child over a balcony and people go mad ……………. What the fuck is wrong with you all? …….. Would you rather he tossed it off?

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August 4, 2009 - Krazy John C from GtYarmouthEngland

So now Gary Glitter is seriously ill ………… He got a very bad case of nappy rash

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August 4, 2009 - Krazy John C from GtYarmouthEngland

Michael Jacksons last wish was for the plastic in his body to be moulded into a lego brick …………. so the kids could still play with him

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August 4, 2009 - Krazy John C from GtYarmouthEngland

ITS OFFICIAL ….. After the autopsy it was revealed Michael Jackson died of food poisoning …….. they found 12 year old nuts in his throat.

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August 3, 2009 - Claire Taylor from NottinghamEngland

2 Hookers on a street corner. 1st asks “Have you ever been pulled by the fuzz?” 2nd replies, “No, but i’ve been swung around by the tits before”.

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July 29, 2009 - Mick's cousin Eddie from Mylivinroom

The toughest question on the West Virginia Law Exam: If a man and woman in WV get divorced, are they STILL brother and sister?

Famous excuses in West Virginia: “Honest officer, I was jus’ helpin’ that sheep over the fence”

A young WV girl came to her father and asked to borrow the family car. The old man pulled down his zipper and whipped out his cock, saying “You know what ta do gurl.” So she stuck his pecker in her face, then suddenly spit it back out again and exclaimed: “EWWW, Daddy yore dick tastes lak shit!” to which her Paw replied…”Oh hell, yer brother wanted to borry the truck.”

How are women and cats alike in West Virginia? They both lick their paws.

How to define ‘Caution” in California: Dropping yer wallet in San Francisco and kickin it to Seattle before ya dare bend over to pick it up.

Sign at a titty bar in WV: Joe’s Place-Liquor in the front, poker in the rear.

What do ya call a fart in San Fransisco? Poofter mating call.

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July 28, 2009 - Mick's cousin Eddie from USfuckinA

Why did the SPCA files charges against Michael Jackson? He spanked his monkey too much.

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July 28, 2009 - Mick's cousin Eddie from USfuckinAbaby

I was in the locker room after a game, it smelled like shit, coach says “Christ Allfuckin’ mighty, who farted?” Team responded dutifully: EVERYBODY!

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July 28, 2009 - Mick's cousin Eddie from USfuckinAbaby

40 count busload of abos went over a cliff, 24 died…..damn empty seats!

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July 19, 2009 - simon from scotland

some woman stopped me in the street todayand started telling me a joke. it had all the right ingredients of a good joke, starving niggers,death tears and suffering. but i didnt understand the punchline……..something about £2 a month……..

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July 18, 2009 - johnboy hall from kentengland

ive been arrested in b&qs today for punching a coon on the chin i was told to get a black and decker

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July 18, 2009 - johnboy hall from kentengland

ive been arested in b&q today for punching a black women on the chin i was told to get a
black and decker

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July 18, 2009 - adam bailey from berkshire

how can you tell if a muslim is a pimp
he’ll have his six goats beside him

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July 18, 2009 - adam bailey from berkshire

All of these people who keep saying ” well yes , michael jackson fucked kids but he was a great singer,” make me sick..

No one mentions what a cracking builder fred west was or how good ian huntley was as a caretaker..

and peter sutcliffe’s lorry driving was fucking superb…..

see ya on 3rd oct in grimsby kev

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July 16, 2009 - Stuart from London

A single Irish mother went into a coma as she gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl, following a complicated labour.

On waking from the coma some weeks later she was worried as to the names her rather thick and somewhat retarded brother might have chosen for them on her behalf.

‘What did you call the girl?’ she asked. ‘Denise’, he replied. Heaving a huge sigh of relief that it was a ‘normal’ name, she asked what he had called the boy.

‘De nephew’, he replied.

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July 16, 2009 - Drunkforky from Sydney

Little Johnny’s sister, Little Sally came home from school one day with a big smile on her face and her asked”Why are you so happy?
Little Sally replies “Little Timmy showed me his willy it reminded me of a peanut.” She said with a big smile on her face .
Mum a bit worried asked”why was it small?”
“No” says Little Sally.
“It was salty”

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July 11, 2009 - stewart

man says to wife
“when you take your bra off
you look ten years younger”
“do i she asks”
absolutely
your tits sag so much they pull the
wrinkles from your face

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July 10, 2009 - mat from ballinansw

Whats black white and yellow and spins on the beach?
A abo fighting a seagull on the beach

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July 9, 2009 - Stuart from London

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties.

‘We are sorry, sir, but we have some information about your wife’ said one Mountie.

‘Tell me! Did you find her?’ the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said, ‘We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first??

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said, ‘Give me the bad news first.’

The Mountie said, ‘I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the bay.’

?Oh my God!’ exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, ‘What’s the good news?’

The Mountie continued, ‘When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 6 good-size lobsters clinging to her.’

Stunned, the husband demanded, ‘If that’s the good news, what’s the great news?’

The Mountie said, ‘We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow.’

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July 8, 2009 - ian from england

michael jackon did manage 2 whisper a brief message 2 the paramedics on his way to hospital put me on the kids ward

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July 8, 2009 - ian from england

dear mrs jackson im, very sorry to hear about your son michael . i can stop thinking about his kid,s all my love gary glitter

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July 8, 2009 - Stuart from London

Michael Jackson’s publicity agent strenuously denies suggestions that his ex-client died in the cardiac unit from heart problems.
Wacko was actually in the children’s ward having a stroke.

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July 8, 2009 - Stuart from London

Q: What’s the difference between Sir Alex Ferguson and Michael Jackson?
A: Fergie will still be playing Giggs next year

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July 8, 2009 - Stuart from London

McDonalds has launched a new hamburger in honour of Michael Jackson. The ‘McWacko’ features 50 year old meat sandwiched in 10 year old buns.

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July 5, 2009 - john black from lancashire

What’s the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot?
One’s a kangaroo, and one’s a Geordie stuck in a lift.

Andy Murray walks into Ikea and asks for a flat pack trophy cabinet.
The shop clerk says, “Fuck off, you’ll bring it back”

Whoever said elephants can’t jump has obviously never spent two hours watching Serena Williams playing tennis then have they?

Fucking a fat girl is like riding a moped.
There great to ride but you hope to fuck your friends don’t see you.

Independence Day – when Americans let their slaves play tennis.

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July 1, 2009 - Gareth from Southampton.UK

When Michael Jackson collapsed recently from a suspected heart attack the two paramedics who were first on the scene were heard arguing about how to treat him. Their argument went on for several minutes. Suddenly Jacko sat up and said ‘You want to be starting something, you want to be starting something” followed by “beat it , beat it all gotta do is beat it. It doesnt matter who’s wrong or right, just beat it!”

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June 25, 2009 - Jon from Queensland

Knock Knock!
Who is There?
Me, the guy who had sex with your Mother last night.

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June 19, 2009 - Johno from Johannesburg

A woman walks out the bathroom naked and stands in front of the mirror. “Do my tits look too small?” she askes her husband.

Her husband doesn’t answer.

“What can I do to make my tits bigger?” she asks her husband while staring at her reflection.

“Why don’t you get some toilet paper and gently rub it up and down in the cleavage between your tits.” he suggests with a smirk on his face.

There is silence for a moment as she thinks about this, then she asks “Why, what will that do?”

“Well, you’ve been doing it for years to your arse and look how big that’s grown.”

He got out of ICU after 3 weeks, and given time he will learn to walk again.

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June 8, 2009 - Bob from NSWAustralia

Elton John goes into a Tattoo shop. I want a Rolls Royce tattooed on my cock.

The tattooist says “Better make it a Land Cruiser, The amount of shit it goes thru.”

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May 28, 2009 - chris taylor from perthw.a.

Q: How can you tell when Barbie has her period?

A: Your tic tacs are missing.

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May 14, 2009 - stewart

dear jerry springer
I am 15 and pregnant and my parents don’t know
they have’nt met my boyfriend
he is bisexual and H I V positive
he has tourettes. he his married andtwenty years older than me
he deals in drugs and carrie a gun
he is just out of jail and lives in a squat
he also like animal porn
my problem is
how do i tell them he is a paki

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May 13, 2009 - John from Canada

Man has sex with a big bird, ends up getting churpies, can’t be tweeted now!!

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May 11, 2009 - Nesbit from Banburyuk

Whats the best thing about fucking 24 year olds?
Theres 20 of them

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May 9, 2009 - John from Canada

Old man wakes up, tells his wife he’s going to the doctor to get viagra. She say’s “I’m coming too. if you think you are sticking that old rusty tool in me, I’m getting a tetiness shot!!

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May 7, 2009 - T.Jonathan Lewis from Pontyberem,Wales

THERE WAS A YOUNG GIRL FROM WICK
WHO ASKED HER FATHER WHAT’S A PRICK
HER FATHER SAID ANNIE IT GOES INTO YOUR FANNY
AND GOES UP AND DOWN TILL IT’S SICK.

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May 6, 2009 - Ed from MidlandsUK

Fred’s wife came out of the bathroom naked and said, “I’ve been looking in the mirror and I’m getting fat, my tits are sagging, my arse is huge and my hair is a mess. Can you say something good about me?”

Fred said, “fuckall wrong with your eyesight” and that was when the fight started.

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May 1, 2009 - stewart from rochdale

GOV’T HEALTH WARNING
if ou experience symptoms like bad breath
sweaty underarms
and a irrational fear of pigs
do not panic
you do not have swine fever

you’re just a paki

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April 30, 2009 - BIG BAD BOB from LIVERPOOL,ENGLAND

IF YOU ARE BORED WHILST TRAVELLING TO WORK ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT THEN SIMPLY PRETEND TO MAKE A PHONE CALL TO A MATE AND TELL HIM / HER ALL ABOUT YOUR FANTASTIC HOLIDAY YOU JUST HAD IN MEXICO. TALK LOUD ENOUGH THAT EVERYONE HEARS YOU.
JUST AS YOU REACH THE STOP YOU GET OFF AT, START SNEEZING AND MOPPING YOUR BROW WHILE COMPLAINING YOU HAVE TO GET OFF AS IT IS SO HOT.
WATCH WHAT EVERYBODY DOES AS THE TRAIN / BUS / WHATEVER PULLS AWAY.

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April 29, 2009 - john black from Blackburn,UK

1St we had bird flu……..10,000,000,000 birds died.
now we have swine flu….?????????? pigs will be killed.

with a bit of luck we will get Muslim flu in the not to distant future!

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April 29, 2009 - Adam 'FISHY' Milbourne from MossValeNSW

It’s pitch black and your TV starts floating what do you say?

DROP IT NIGGER!!!

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April 27, 2009 - BIG BAD BOB from LIVERPOOL,ENGLAND

QUESTION IN A SURVEY :-

“DO YOU THINK THERE ARE TOO MANY IMMIGRANTS IN THIS COUNTRY?”

17% SAID “YES.”
11% SAID “NO.”
72% SAID “VELLY SOLLY, NOT UNNERSTAN QUESTION PLEASE”

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April 27, 2009 - BIG BAD BOB from LIVERPOOL,ENGLAND

I HATE ALL THIS TERRORISM BUSINESS.
TIME WAS, YOU COULD SEE AN UN-ATTENDED BAG AT THE AIRPORT AND SAY TO YOURSELF
“I’LL FUCKING HAVE THAT!”

.
FAT SHEILA IN A JEWELLERS ADMIRING A BIG DIAMOND RING IN A DISPLAY CASE.
AS SHE BENDS DOWN FOR A CLOSER LOOK, SHE LETS THIS RIPPER GO.
HOPING NOBODY NOTICED, SHE CALLS THE JEWELLER OVER AND ASKS HIM HOW MUCH IT COSTS.
“MADAM, IF YOU FARTED THAT LOUD JUST LOOKING AT IT, THEN I DAREN’T TELL YOU THE PRICE
BECAUSE YOU’D FUCKING SHIT YOURSELF”

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April 10, 2009 - chippie from london

A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.

He looks between her legs, and he says, “What’s that?”

She says, “It’s my lower mouth.”

He says, “What do you mean, ‘your lower mouth?’”

She says, “Just what I said, it’s my lower mouth. It’s got a moustache… It’s got lips…”

He asks, “Has it got a tongue in it?”

She says, “Not yet. . .”

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April 10, 2009 - chippie from london

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I’d been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

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April 9, 2009 - Gareth from SouthamptonUK

Why did the world renowned medium cross the road?
To reach the other side!!

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April 7, 2009 - Rob The Ker-Nob from UKSomewere

Why do black people have dark skin, squashy noses, oily skin and rubber lips….coz they fucking deserve it

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March 30, 2009 - stewart from england

after the grear responce to her t.v programme about her wedding
jade goody has aggreed to do another series for living t.v
she will be on most haunted in april

after one week in heaven jade goody was first to be put up for eviction

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March 29, 2009 - Josselynne from Heidelbergwest

3 Guys went into a pub and said to the guy at the countert OH i can make time fly for $10 bucks so anyway he threw his watch into the air and was about to have a drink of beer and didn’t make it. So the next guy at the counter said i can make time fly for $20 bucks. So he said go on then show me. So the guy threw his watch in the air and was gonna have a smoke and didn’t make it so the last guy said i’ll make time fly for $100 but the guy at the counter said let’s make it 200$ like this and the guy who was gonna throw the watch said alright then. so he threw his watch and went to the toilet had a smoke, drink of beer and caught the watch. The guy at the counter said how the fuck did u do that and he said oh my watch wwas 5 min slow. LOL

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March 27, 2009 - Gareth from Southampton.UK

Apparently Gillette have seen a 4000% rise in sales of razors in Afghanistan. When they carried out their research it was found that the Taliban women were buying them to shave their fannies. When asked why they were all doing this, a Taliban spokesman said’ It’s simple - everyone know we don’t like Bush !!!

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March 24, 2009 - rukkus from melbong,australia

Q: what do faggots do when they cant get a root?
A: shit in their hand and have a wank

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March 23, 2009 - Ken from UK

I went to see the nurse this morning for a check-up and she said I should stop wanking. I asked her why and she said, “Cos I’m trying to examine you!”

At the Aston Villa training session today, Gareth Barry trapped the ball and proceeded to whizz past Ashley Young, Reo-Coker, Harewood, Carew, Osbourne, Agbonlahor, Knight and finally Heskey. Martin O’Niell shook his head and shouted, “The CONES Gareth! I said dribble round the fucking cones”

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March 23, 2009 - Capt. Black from NorthernIreland

A real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tesco:

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I’d been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

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March 16, 2009 - stewart from rochdaleengland

i would like to complain about all the racist jokes that are on this site
when i was growing up my best friend was black and i used to play with him everyday
UNTIL MY DAD SOLD HIM

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March 13, 2009 - BIG BAD BOB from LIVERPOOL,ENGLAND

FELT SORRY FOR THE STAGE HYPNOTIST AT THE CLUB THE OTHER NIGHT.
HE PUT SEVEN MEMBERS OF THE LOCAL RUGBY TEAM INTO A TRANCE.
THEN THE DOPEY BASTARD DROPPED HIS MICROPHONE AND SAID “FUCK ME!” . . . . .
GOD, THE SCREAMS WILL HAUNT ME FOR YEARS!

BLOKE ON A BEACH SUNBATHING NUDE EXCEPT FOR A HAT COVERING HIS COCK. TWO SUPER MEGA FUGLIES WALK PAST AND SAID “YOU SHOULD RAISE YOUR HAT TO A LADY!”.
HE REPLIED “IF YOU WEREN’T SO FUCKING UGLY, THE HAT WOULD HAVE RAISED ITSELF!”

WIFE COMES HOME FROM THE SHOPS AND SEES HER HUSBAND NAILING ALL HER SEX TOYS IN A LINE ALONG THE WALL. SHE SAYS “YOU STUPID TWAT, I SAID I WANTED A DADO RAIL”

MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL,
WHO’S THE FAIREST OF THEM ALL.
THE MIRROR LAUGHED AND GAVE A GRUNT,
IT ISN’T YOU YOU UGLY CUNT!

WHAT DO SMOKING CIGARETTES AND LICKING PUSSY HAVE IN COMMON?

THE FLAVOUR GETS STRONGER THE NEARER YOU GET TO THE BUTT!

A PASSENGER TAPS HIS TAXI DRIVER ON THE BACK. THE DRIVER SWERVES ALL OVER THE ROAD FINISHING UP INCHES FROM A SHOP WINDOW. THE PASSENGER SAYS “FUCK ME, YOU’RE A BIT NERVOUS AREN’T YOU?”
DRIVER REPLIES “SORRY ABOUT THAT, ITS MY FIRST DAY ON THE TAXIS. I’VE BEEN DRIVING A HEARSE FOR THE LAST TWENTY YEARS!”

MORE MONEY IS BEING SPENT ON BOOB JOBS AND VIAGRA THAN RESEARCH INTO ALZEIMERS DISEASE.
BY 2040 ALL THE WRINKLIES WILL HAVE PERKY TITS AND STIFF COCKS - BUT NO FUCKING IDEA WHY!

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March 13, 2009 - BIG BAD BOB from LIVERPOOLENGLAND

ROLF HARRIS HAS RE-RELEASED ONE OF HIS OLD RECORDS TO RAISE MONEY FOR THE VICTIMS OF THE BUSH FIRES.
IT’S CALLED “FRY ME KANGAROO BROWN SPORT”

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March 6, 2009 - BIG BAD BOB from Liverpool,England

Dolly Parton and H.R.H. The Queen both die at the same time and arrive at the Pearly Gates together. St. Peter says “We’re a bit full at the moment, I can only let one of you in. whoever impresses me most gets in.
Dolly gets her tits out and says Have a feel of these, they’re the most perfect things God ever created! He has a good grope and says “very impressive. I definitely am impressed”.
He says to ‘Liz, “OK sweetheart, It’s Your turn now”
Liz gets a bottle of water out of her handbag, drops her Knickers and washes out her fanny. when she is done she looks at St Peter and says”Well?”
St Peter says “OK Liz, You win”
Dolly says “Why ? ”
St Peter Says “Sorry Dolly, but a Royal Flush Always beats a pair!”

---

March 4, 2009 - swede from Sweden

One day Sven was out walking when he saw his mate Olof in a brand spanking new sportscar. Olof pulled up beside Sven with a grin on his face, very pleased with his new car. -Olof, where did you get that car? asked Sven. -Well, Greta gave it to me. replied Olof. -I know she likes you alot mate but give you a sportscar? That’s sounds weird.. -This is what happened Olof said, we were out driving along the coast when Greta all of a sudden pulled into a gravel road into the forest. She stopped the car, jumped out and ripped her clothes off and said: Olof, come and take anything you like!! So I took the car and drove off. -Fuckin’ hell mate, you got some bloody brains mate. Said Sven, - cause them clothes would never fit you…..

---

March 4, 2009 - swede from Sweden

A women came into the clubhouse after a round of golf and the was really piss off. A man in the clubhouse wanted to be polite and asked her how the round went. - Fuckin’ horrible, the women said, but I think it was because I got stung by a wasp between the first and the second hole. - Oh fuckin’ hell, the man said, it’s really hard to get the bandaid to stick there…….

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February 27, 2009 - Gareth from Southampton.UK

A prostitute goes to the doctor. She explains that she has a sore itchy red rash all over her fanny. The doctor examines her and explains that they are bites caused by pubic crabs. ‘What can I do doctor’ she asks. The doctor reaches down and pulls a packet of Tate & Lyle Finest Granulated Sugar from under his desk, ‘ Rub this into the affected area twice a day for a week’ says the doctor. ‘Will this cure the soreness and itchiness’ asks the prostitute. ‘No’ says the doctor ‘ but it will rot the fuckers teeth so they cant’ bite you anymore!

---

February 8, 2009 - Liam from auckland

knock knock
whos there?
Narnia
Narnia who?
Narnia fuckin buisness

---

February 1, 2009 - stewart from rochdaleengland

prostitute is told that for the first seven days she can only wank men off
when she asks why
she is told
it’s the same with any job you have got to work a week in hand first

---

January 28, 2009 - chippie from london

Wayne and shelia were walking back from the pub when shelia says ” I need a piss” and wlaks behind a bush and squats down. Bruce is feeling randy so he sticks his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between shelia’s legs. Wayne says “blimey shelia, have you changed sex” Shelia replies ” no i’ve changed me mind, I’m having a shit”.

---

January 27, 2009 - chippie from london

A woman goes to the doctors with strange stomach pains. The doctor run some tests and said ” I hope you are ready for lots of sleepless night with all the crying and nappy changing” The woman says ” am I pregnant?” The doctor says ” no, you’ve got bowel cancer”.

---

January 23, 2009 - chippie from london

I am getting fed up with people knocking at the door collecting for charity. Tonight a young woman knocked at the door collecting for sperm donors. I gave her a fucking mouthful.

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January 20, 2009 - chippie from london

I am a taliban warrior,
Blimey what a life.
I have a russian rifle,
3 boyfriends and a wife.

ways to tell if you are a Muslim.

1, you have more wives than teeth.
2, you have a £5000 rocket launcher but you can’t afford shoes.
3, you think that jackets only come in two styles, bullet proof or suicide.
4, you refine Heroin but you think beer should be banned.
5, you wipe your arse with your bare hand but think that everybody else is unclean.

---

January 18, 2009 - NIC GAFFEY from wrexhamwalesLDF

MY WIFE WAS COMPLAINING THAT HER BREASTS WERE TOO SMALL, THE OTHER DAY . SO I SAID WHY DONT YOU WIPE THEM WIYH TOILET TISSUE PAPER. “WIPING THEM WITH TOILET TISSUE WONT MAKE THEM BIGGER ….SILLY! OH, I DONT KNOW IT SEEMS TO HAVE WORKED ON YOUR ARSE THESE LAST TWELVE YEARS!!! NIC …WREXHAM……WALES

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January 15, 2009 - Petar Z from Japan

My girlfriend gave me a toy rocket for my birthday.
When I asked her why a rocket, she told me.

She said, ” You were saying you needed some space, so fuck off!”

---

December 15, 2008 - Mcgyver from Orange,NewSouthWales

Little Red Riding Hood was going through the forest with a basket of goodies to Grandma’s house.
All of a sudden the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree.
“Rowwwwwwarrr” Roared the Wolf
Red Riding Hood screamed “Oh No, Its the Big Bad Wolf, What are you going to do do me?”
“Red Riding Hood, I’m going to eat you” growled the wolf
Red Riding Hood put her hands on her hips and exclaimed “Oh Jesus Christ, Doesn’t anybody like to fuck anymore?”

---

December 11, 2008 - chris taylor from perthw.a.

The preschool teacher says, “We’re going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word ‘definitely’ in a sentence?”

Mary raises her hand and exclaims, “Me me me!”

The teacher says, “Go ahead, what’s the sentence?

Mary replies, “The sky is definitely blue.”

“That’s good, Mary,” says the teacher, “but the sky can also be gray or white.”

Sam raises his hand and states, “Grass is definitely green.”

The teacher says, “That’s good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too.”

Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, “Do farts have lumps in them?”

The teacher says, “No Johnny, why do you ask that?”

Little Johnny replies, “Well, I definitely sh*t my pants.”

---

November 26, 2008 - karen from oxfordengland

Mickey Mouse’s lawyer says,”You cant divorce Minnie for having big teeth.”
Mickey replies,”I didnt say she had big teeth -Isaid she’s fucking Goofy!”

---

November 21, 2008 - kristy paine from bathurstnswaustralia

THOUGHT OF THE DAY(ONE TO SLEEP ON)
HAVE YOU EVER WONDERD IF YOUR MUM EVER KISSED YOU GOODNIGHT AFTER GIVING YOUR FATHER A BLOW JOB AND HAS YOUR DAD KISSED YOU GOODNIGHT AFTER GROWLING OUT YOUR MUM ASK PEOPLE THIS QUESTION AND RUIN THEIR DAY TO

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November 20, 2008 - sol from liverpoolengland

a guy with a realy beautiful wife were involved in a car smash after they were cleaned up the man saw his wife’s fase was full off scars wanting her back the way she was he took her to a plastic surgeon to get fixed the surgeon said she doesnt have enough skin to transplant but we could use some off your arse all was agreed and the operation was a great success the guy was sp pleased he went to the doctor and gave him a present of £1000 the doctor said whats this for the guy said for all the pleasure it gives me to see my mother-in-law KISSING MY ARSE

---

November 15, 2008 - peter hinds from londonEngland

Husband says to wife ” i fancy kinky sex, can i cum in your ear?” wife says “no, i might go deaf!” husband replies ” i`ve been cumming in your mouth for 20 years, and you can still fucking talk!!”

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November 15, 2008 - peter hinds from londonEngland

Mick and Paddy reading headstones near a church.Mick says ” fuck, there`s abloke here who was 152!” Paddy say`s “what was his name?” Mick replies ” Miles from london!”

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November 15, 2008 - peter hinds from londonEngland

a guy takes his missus home to meet his parents, but he tells her” i must warn you that they are both deaf and dumb!. they get there and walk into the living room. his mum has got a beer bottle up her fanny and the dad is sitting there with his nuts hanging out, and a match stick propping his eye open. his mrs says “what the fuck is this!”" he replies “oh it`s sign language, my mum is saying get the beers in you cunt, and my dad is saying bollocks i`m watching the match!!!

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October 30, 2008 - Toby from Australia

What did one tampon say to the other?
Nothing they were both stuck up cunts

---

October 28, 2008 - Dave Ball from UpavonEngland

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?

WIFE: That’s a good idea. Why don’t you stand at the sink and do dishes and I’ll sit on the sofa and fart.

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October 28, 2008 - Dave Ball from UpavonEngland

A Queensland (Australia) Radio Station, QFM, was running a competition to find contestants who could come up with words that were not found in any English Dictionary yet could still use these words in a sentence that would make logical sense; the prize being a return trip for two to Bali for a week.
The DJ, Sam, had many callers, the following two standing out: DJ : QFM, what’s your name?

Caller: Hi me name’s Dave.

DJ: Dave , what is your word?

Caller: “Gaan” spelt G, A, A, N.

DJ: We are just checking that (pause)… and you are correct Dave, Gaan is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is: What sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?

Caller: Gaan screw yourself! Ha Ha Ha

At this point the DJ cuts the caller short and announces that there is no place for that sort of language on a family show.

After many more unsuccessful calls the DJ takes the following caller:

DJ: QFM, what’s your name?

Caller: Hi me name’s Jeff.

DJ: Jeff , what is your word?

Caller: “Smee” spelt S, M, E, E.

DJ: We are just checking that (pause)… and you are correct Jeff, Smee is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is: What sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?

Caller: Smee again! Gaan screw yourself Ha Ha Ha!

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October 27, 2008 - karen from oxfordengland

Whats the difference between marmalade and jam?.
Well you cant marmalade your cock up your wife’s arse.

---

October 26, 2008 - joseph from newyork

there once was a man from peru
he fell asleep in his canue
he dreamed of venus
while playing with his penis
and woke up coverd in goo

---

September 27, 2008 - simon from scotland

A young single woman is having problems with an escaped Gorilla which has set up camp in her back garden.She phones a neighbour for advice.”Go to your front window, and throw me down all your lingerie, including what your wearing, and any Dildos you may have”.Once hes gathered them up, she shouts down “will he go away now”? He replys “i doubt it, but this will give me something to sniff and wank over for weeks”|

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September 17, 2008 - Stuart from London

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

‘I don’t want to know,’ the child said, bursting into tears. ‘Promise me you

won’t tell me.’

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, ‘When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech.

At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech. When I was eight, you

hit me with the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech. If you’re going to tell me that

grown-ups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for.’

---

September 8, 2008 - Mad Malc from Worcs,England

An English man, an Irish man and Osama Binladen are walking down the road one day, when they come acroos a genie.
The genie says “I will grant you all one wish, so what is your desire?”
The Irish man says “I want all of Ireland to be green and pleasant for all time”
The genie says “Your wish is my command” The Irishman walks away with a big smile on his face.
Osama Binladen demands that he be allowed to go next.
He says to the genie “I demand a wall be built around all the muslim countries to stop these western infadels getting in”
The genie says “your wish is my command” Osama Binladen walks away with a big smile on his face.
The genie looks at the Englishman and says “What is your wish?”
The Englishman says to the genie “Before I make my wish, tell me a bit about this wall”.
The genie says ” Osama Binladen’s wall is 5000ft thick and 5000ft high, and nothing gets in and nothing gets out”
The Englishman looks at the genie, lights up a cigar, and with a big smile on his face says

“For my wish, I want you to fill that fucker with WATER”.

---

September 5, 2008 - John from Canada

Ole, out on the golf course, takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage,
he took himself to the doctor. He said “How bad is it doc? . . . I’m
goink on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancée, Lena, is still a wirgin -
in every vay”.

The doctor told him, “I’ll have to put your Willie in a splint to let
it heal and keep it straight. It should be ok next week.” He took
four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and
taped it all together . . quite an impressive work of art.

Ole mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their
honeymoon. That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her blouse to
reveal her beautiful untouched breasts. She said, “You’re the first
vun, Ole. No vun has *EVER* seen deez.”

Ole immediately drops his pants and replies, “Look at dis, Lena,
….still in da _*CRATE!”*_

---

September 2, 2008 - Stuart from London

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only three survivors; Bob, Tom and Cathy.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what’s natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Cathy felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom?s resistance to nature?s urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Cathy.

---

September 1, 2008 - Stuart from London

An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for a US Visa.

Consul : What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz

Consul: Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week

Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : both male and female and sometimes even camels

Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!

Consul: Man,…isn’t it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style

Consul: Oh…dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast!

---

September 1, 2008 - simon from scotland

A little lad asks his grandad about sex.Its like this hes told, when you first meet its several times a day , then you get married and it becomes weekly , then as you get older it becomes monthly, and when you get really old its once a year .What about you and grandma he is asked?. He replies at our age we just have oral sex. whats that he is asked ?.He explains she goes to her room , and i go to mine she yells”FUCK YOU”, and i reply “FUCK YOU TOO”!

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August 23, 2008 - Stuart from London

I bought a new car radio the other day, it’s voice activated. When I shout ‘country’ at it, it automatically plays Dolly Parton songs. Likewise, when I shout ‘rock’, it switches to AC/DC or Black Sabbath. Yesterday I was driving through town, and some kids ran right in front of my car. I just managed to stop in time, and was so angry that I wound down the window and yelled ‘fucking kids!’ The radio started playing Gary Glitter songs.

---

August 21, 2008 - simon from scotland

4 married blokes go away for the day fishing,the first bloke says,i had 2 promise 2 make love everynight next week 4 comming here 2day.the 2nd says i had 2 promise 2 muff the bitch 4 a whole hour non stop.the 3rd says i had 2 promise 2 muff mine every night next week. the 4th says this morning the wife started her period,so i said Anal sex or Fishing? she replied “wear your sunblock”!

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August 21, 2008 - simon from scotland

Two women meet outside Heavens Gates. The first woman says”hi im rena”. The 2nd says “im Betty, how did u die”?.”i froze 2 death” .2nd woman “oh how horrible”.”it wasnt 2 bad,after getting colder and colder i started 2 get warm and sleepy and i died a peaceful death! how about you?” “I was sure my husband was cheating, so i came home early, but he was watching tv, so i ran around the house checking everywhere ,the attic,the basement,and all the rooms, i was so exhausted i died of a Heartattack.first woman “its a pity you never checked the freezer, wed both still be alive!”

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August 20, 2008 - Nathan Murphy from ParkesNSW

Zebbo a 5 year old south african boy with 1 arm has to rida 7 miles a day to school on a bike that has shot brakes and no handle bars but with a small donation of 2 dollars we will send you the video tape its FUCKING HILARIOUS!!!

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August 14, 2008 - Jeff from Singapore

Q. How do you get a fag to fuck a women?
A. You shit in her cunt.

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June 26, 2008 - Hank the Yank from US-fucking-A

One day the Pope ended his sermon with the Latin phrase “Tuti Homini” which means “Blessed be mankind”. The next sunday a womens activist group came up and said well you blessed mankind why not womankind? so the pope ended his sermon the next sunday with Tuti Homini et Tuti Feminini, Blessed be mankind and Blessed be Womankind. The next sunday a gay rights group came up and said well you blessed mankind and womankind what about us you fuckin prick? You gonna bless us too? The pope says FINE!!!! Ill bless you to!!!!. At the end of the sermon he says Tuti Homini et Tuti Feminini et Tuti Fruiti.

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June 5, 2008 - Darryl "Banjo" from Sydney

Q. What do you call an Abbo is a suit?
A. The defendant

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June 5, 2008 - Darryl "Bamjo" from Sydney

An abbo walks into a pub in the northern territory with a white cockatoo on his shoulder and orders a beer, the barman looks at him and says “he’s a beauty, where did you get him from” and the cockatoo says” there’s hundreds of them lying about out there…………

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June 5, 2008 - John from Canada

A rancher died and left everything to his devoted
wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very
little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper
for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a
drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when
no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy,
figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than
the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long
hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For week s the two of them worked hard and
the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher’s widow said ‘You have done a
really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go
into town and kick up your heels.’
The hired hand readily agreed and went into
town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he
found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a
glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
‘Unbutton my blouse and take it off,’ she said. Trembling,
he did as she directed.
‘Now take off my boots.’ He did as she asked,
ever so slowly.
‘Now take off my socks.’ He removed each gently and placed
them neatly by her boots.
‘Now take off my skirt.’
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in
the firelight.
‘Now take off my bra.’ Again, with trembling
hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: ‘If you ever
wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired!’

---

May 19, 2008 - Krazy John C from GtYarmouthEngland

A guy sees a woman with 2 kids in a shop and says to her aaaawwww twins? She said no what makes u think that? he replied well i cant believe anyone would fuck u twice u fat ugly bastard

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May 9, 2008 - Paul from Brisbane

How do you know when a coon has broken into your house?

Your thongs are missing and the dogs been fucked.

---

May 9, 2008 - Paul from Brisbane

how do you know when a Kiwi has broken into your house?

Your Ugg boots are missing and theres love bites on the lamb roast

---

May 9, 2008 - Paul from Brissie

there once was a man from china
Who was not a very good climber
he slipped on a rock
and cut open his cock
and now he has a vagina

---

May 9, 2008 - Paul from BrisbaneAustralia

2 coons were walking down the middle of the road in the Nullabor when out of nowhere a fuckn big road train hits them.
1 was sent flying 200 meters down the road and the other went through the trucks windscreen.
Shaking the truckie gets out and calls the police, who arrive shortly, ” what the fuck am i going to do’ says the truckie.
“don’t woory mate ive got it sorted i’ll do the 1 down the road for criminal damage and leaving the scene of an accident and the other for break and enter”

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May 3, 2008 - jackie from townsville

HOW THE FIRST PUSSY WAS MADE

six wise men made up a pussy of their own design

the first a carpenter full of wit
with a hammer and chisel he carved a split

the second a blacksmith black as coal
with a hammer and anvil he forged a hole

the third a tailor tall and thin
with a piece of pink ribbon he lined it within

the fourth a furrier short and stout
with the fur of a bear he lined it without

the fifth a fisherman old and bent
with a piece of herring he gave it a scent

the sixth a rabbi a mean little runt
fucked it and blessed it and called it a cunt!!!!!!!!!!!!

---

May 2, 2008 - John from Canada

I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth
of gas…..

….The clerk farted and gave me a receipt

---

April 14, 2008 - AyeMcHunt from Thearseendoftheworld

Q: Whats worse then sticking 11 oysters up your grandmothers cunt?
A: Licking out 12!

There once was a vampire named Mabel,
who’s periods where highly unstable,
one night at full moon,
she took out a spoon,
and drank herself under the table.

I’m a bit pissed off, I just found out I have a member of Al Quida in my family tree.
Doesn’t matter tho, the cunts been hanging there for a week.

---

March 9, 2008 - John

At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown Yuma sits a huge
Mexican. He’s having a few beers when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay fellow finally plucks up the
courage to say something to the big Mexican. Leaning over towards him, he whispers, “Do you want a blow job?”
At this, the massive Mexican leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the shit out of him, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer to the big Mexican. I’ve never seen you react like that,” he says. “Just what did he say to you?”
“I don’t know,” the big Mexican replied. “Something about a job.”

---

February 24, 2008 - Jim Morrison from Orillia,Ontario,Canada

mom got a call from my brother and she told us that he said his wife had streaked her hair. Now it was like sleeping with a new woman. Humpph says my other brother,,be like a different seat,, in the same shithouse

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February 24, 2008 - Jim Morrison from Orillia,Ontario,Canada

since my wife is in the change of life,,my poor old dick has started thinking that my hand is a vagina

---

February 22, 2008 - stewart from england

(_!_) regular arse

(__!__) fat arse

(!) tight arse

(_*_) sore arse

(_o_) gay boy arse

(_e=mc2_) smart arse

and just for you

(_x_) kiss my arse

---

February 22, 2008 - stewart from england

hi kevin
go looks catch the eyes
but good personality catches hearts
you are blessed with both
FLATTERED
FUCK OFF IT WAS SENT TO ME I JUST
WANTED YOU TO READ IT

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February 12, 2008 - John from Canada

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program.
The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for
the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he
weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful,sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me you can have me”.
Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the
next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself,
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
“Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most
rigorous program.”
“Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.”
The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds
a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but
pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, your ass is mine”
He lost 63 pounds that week.

---

February 12, 2008 - John

Seven kinds of Sex
**The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone , and you
both have sex
until you are blue in the face.
***The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time ,
and you are
so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
***The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time.
Your sex has
gotten routine , and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
***The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
This is when you have been with your partner for too long.
When you pass
each other in the hallway you both say “screw you.”
****The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex .
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon
and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
***The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes
you to court
and screws you in front of everyone.
And; Last, but not least,
****The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy
yourself.

---

February 12, 2008 - John from Canada

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly gate.
St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down.
You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests.
What’ll it be?” The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.”
“So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this week ‘count,’ St. Peter?”
“No, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing.”
“In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a stud.”
“So be it” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
“Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks.
“The first one should be easy,” said St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over
the Rockies, flying with the eagles.
But the second one could prove to be more difficult.”
“Why?” asked the Lord.
“He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in Canada!”

---

February 11, 2008 - John from Canada

“Send someone over quickly!”
the old woman screamed into the phone. “Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!”
“This is the Fire Department, lady,” the voice replied. “I’ll have to transfer you to the Police Department.”
“No, it’s YOU I want!” she yelled. “They need a longer ladder!”

---

February 9, 2008 - John from Canada

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.” Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?”
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
“Ralph, for the FIFTH Fuckin’ time, CHICKEN!”

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February 9, 2008 - stewart from rochdaleengland

jack and jill are inmates at an lunatic asylum
one day jack jumps into the swimming pool trying to drown his self
jill jumps in to rescue him
the doctors are very impressed with jill and decide to release her
right jill we have some good news and some bad news for you
first the good news we have decided you are fairly sane and are letting you out
the bad news is jim as hanged himself in the bathroom
no he has’nt sys jill that’s where i left him hung up to dry

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February 5, 2008 - Hagar from ENGLAND

Whats the difference between love,true love and showing off??
Spitting,swallowing and gargling………………………

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February 5, 2008 - Hagar from England

What do you call 12 pakis in a back of a Land Rover??
A fuckig good day’s shooting…..

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February 4, 2008 - John from Canada

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles, and he will stop snoring.”Yeah right!” she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring. As usual the wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and
grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog’s testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed.

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon, and ties it around her husband’s testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

In the morning, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles.

He shakes his head, looks at the dog, and whispers, “I don’t know where we were . or what we did .. but, by God, we took first and second place.”

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January 31, 2008 - simon from invernessscotland

I parked my car in a disabled space today. the traffic warden called after me “oi mate, whats your disability?” I replied “Tourettes you ugly cunt now fuck off”.

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January 31, 2008 - simon from invernessscotland

A man has a night out promising to be home for twelve{ yeah right}. He got in at 2.59am blazing drunk, the cukoo clock went 3 times quickly he cukooed 9 more times so his wife would think it was only 12. In the morning she asked what time he got in.About 12 he said why do you ask? well she said the cuckoo clock cuckooed 3 times said oh fuck, then cuckooed 5 more times,cleared its throat,and cuckooed 4 more times and then it farted.

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January 25, 2008 - Norma Stitz from London

Beware of the The Three Worldly Lies:
1) Black Is Beautiful!
2) The Cheque is in the post!
3) I promise not to cum in your mouth!

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January 25, 2008 - John from Canada

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says ‘Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness.

Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.’
You’re going to be OK, you’ll walk again, but something happened.

I’m trying to break this gently but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.’

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, ‘You’ve got £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s a
thousand pounds an inch.’

The bloke perks up at this.
So the thing is’ the doctor says, ‘it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife.
I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in
helping you make the decision.’

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

‘So’ says the doctor ‘Have you spoken with your wife?’

‘I have.’ says the fellow.

‘And has she helped you in making the decision?’

‘She has’ says the bloke.

‘And what is it?’ asks the doctor. . .

‘We’re getting a new kitchen.’

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January 21, 2008 - Andy from NorthernIreland

2 newleyweds turn up at a hotel for their honeymoon.The receptionists asks if they have any reservations to which the bride says “I’m not to sure about sucking his cock or taking it up the arse!”

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January 19, 2008 - tim

Did you hear Micheal Jackson got busted by the Animal Cruelty Society? He kept blowing BUBBLES!

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January 16, 2008 - Ben Dover

Hey I’ll get the first joke of 2008

In the Second World War an Aussie ANZAC was flown out to a battle zone. His British commanding office asked : “Soldier, have you come here to die?”

The Aussie replied : ” Nah mate, I came here yesterdai”

It’s better orally than in written form!!!!!

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January 15, 2008 - Erin from AlbionPark,Australia

A man heads out to a whorehouse in Las Vegas, looking for some action. He goes in and says to the manager, “I’m looking for a girl for the night.”

The manager replies, “I’m sorry sir, all our ladies are busy tonight.”

Crestfallen, the man looks at him, “Are you sure? I mean, don’t you have anyone available?”

“No sir,” says the manager. “But…well, if you’re up for it, we do have a chicken.”

“A chicken?! I don’t want to fuck a chicken!”

“Well I’m sorry sir, but it’s all we have available.”

The man hesitates, thinks it over, and finally accepts the manager’s offer. The manager takes his money, hands him the chicken, and shows him to a room.

So the man does his business and leaves. A week later, he shows up again, hoping for better luck.

“I’m sorry sir,” says the manager once more. “Again, all our girls are busy for the night. The chicken’s available though.”

“No, no!” replies the man. “I don’t want the chicken again.”

“We have a goat,” says the manager.

“I don’t want to fuck a goat either!” exclaims the man. “Don’t you have anything else?”

“Well, we do have a room where you can look down at one of the other customers.”

The man thinks about this, and grudgingly accepts, pays the money, and is led up to the room. There are a couple of other guys there, waiting for the curtain to be drawn. Soon it is, and they end up looking down at a guy screwing the goat.

“That’s sick!” cries the man.

“That’s nothing,” says the guy next to him. “Last week, there was some guy down there fucking a chicken!”

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December 31, 2007 - tim from bendigo

Whats another use for a babies nappy? A tampon for a fuckin fat sheila!

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December 30, 2007 - Garfield from England

Paddy and Mick joined the Army and enlisted in the Intelligence Corps.
For their first test the officer took them to the parade ground, pointed to the flagpole and asked them how they would calculate its height. He would be back shortly.
“I can’t climb flagpoles” said Mick. “No need” said Paddy, we’ll dig it up, lay it down and measure it that way”.
“Don’t be an idiot all your life” said Mick, “It’s the height he wants, not the length”.

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December 20, 2007 - stewart from rochdaleengland

imagine my joy when getting out the christmas decorations i found a present i forgot to give the kids last year.
their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box…..
unfortunately it was a puppy

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December 17, 2007 - stewart from rochdaleengland

HI THERE BOLLOCKS MERRY BASTARD CHRISTMAS AND A FUCKING COCK SHIT FANNY CUNTING HAPPY PRICK NEW YEAR!

FROM ALL YOUR FRIENDS AT THE TOURETTES SYNDROME CENTRE

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November 17, 2007 - tony from uk

what are the 3 things you can’t give a black man?
a fat lip, a black eye, and a job.

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November 17, 2007 - big jake from edinburgh

couple driving home one night hit something in the road .the two of them get out of the car and find out they have run over a skunk..being animal lovers they decide to take the amimal to the vet….the wife goe`s over to pick up the animal .say`s to her husband the animal is freezing its shivering..husband tells her to put the animal in the car and bettween her legs to keep it warm.the wife says but it smell`s husband say`s to hold it`s fucking nose then ………………………..jac

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November 16, 2007 - daniel from penrith

a blind rabbit & a blind skunk ran into each other in the woods one day. “who are you?” asked the rabbit. “i dont know i’m blind.” replied the skunk. “so am i” said the rabbit, why dont we feel each other all over & try to guess what we are.” the skunk went first.” your really furrywith big floppy ears & a wee bobbed tail. your a rabbit” then the rabbit goes, “you have very thick wiry hair, horrible greasy skin, & u really stink. ure a fucking lebo.

hahhahaahhahahahahahah

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November 16, 2007 - big jake from edinburgh

young johnny walk`s into his parents bedroom , see`s his dad shagging his mother and starts crying…his dad sees him and throws a pillow at him ,telling him to get out. alittle while later the father is walking down the stairs and hears a commotion comming from johnny`s room ,,goes in to find johnny shagging his grannie …JOHNNY SAY`S its not so funny when its your mum is it

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November 8, 2007 - Chris Nelsen from Cardiff,UK

A prostitute gets knocked down by a car one night as she’s working, as a crowd gathers, out of luck, a doctor on his way home from working at the hospital stops to help out, after getting everyone back, he checks the whore over, “are you ok love?, anything wrong?” he asks her, “I’m blind, i’m blind, i can’t see a thing!” is her reply, “ok,” says the doc, “how many fingers have i got up?”

the hooker starts crying and screams “oh fucking hell!, i’m paralysed too?”

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October 31, 2007 - cj from brizzieqld

your mummas so dirty that she brings the crabs to the beach

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October 30, 2007 - ian

IVE JUST ANSWERED THE DOOR TO A 6FT BEETLE WHO SMACKED ME AROUND THE HEAD & TOLD ME TO FUCK OFF APPARENTLY THERES A NASTY BUG GOING ROUND

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October 30, 2007 - ian from rugbyengland

JOB VACANCY small black person wanted must be flexible and willing to travel. JOB DESCRIPTION MUD FLAP

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October 27, 2007 - simon from scotland

a black baby is given a pair of wings by God, he asks”God does this mean im an angel.” God laughs of course not you silly black fucker… your a fly.

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October 20, 2007 - Ian from paignton

A Nutty Game

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up nuts!”

And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, “Down nuts!” And they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, “Cheer nuts!” And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, “Well… everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ‘PEANUTS!’”

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October 20, 2007 - Ross Bullard from TweedHeads

What did the vet say to the dog that wouldn’t stop licking his balls?

Good dog.

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October 18, 2007 - Dale from Galway

Two gays in a gay bar tugging each off under the table. Just before their climax, one said, “Julian I’ve gotta go to the toilet, don’t cum before I get back.”
5 minutes later he returns, and sees a puddle of white gooey stuff under the table, he said, “you c@@t, I told ya not to cum.”
Stacey saikd, “I didn’t cum, I just farted!”

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October 14, 2007 - Geoff from Suffolk,UK.

Subject: Headache best one yet

Husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing

into bed when his wife complained, as usual,

“I have a headache.”

“Perfect,” her husband said.

“I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.

You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it’s up to you.”

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October 13, 2007 - Ary Moore from StaffordEngland

A political journalist is walking around London and stops an oriental gentleman. “Excuse me sir are you a tourist?” he asks. The oriental gent replies, “No I is a Blitish citizen.” The Journo then asks, What do you think about Gordon Brown pulling out of the election?” The oriental gent replies, “Ha so, it’s a f#ckin pity his father no pull out with his election too!”

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October 12, 2007 - Bill from LondonExSouthAfrican

Q: What is the main function of the All Black coach?
A: To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q: What’s the All Black version of a hat-trick?
A: Conceding three tries in three minutes.

Q: Why don’t the All Black backline need pre-tour travel injections?
A: Because they never catch anything.

Q: What do the All Blacks and drug addicts have in common??
A: Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

In the next edition of Chambers dictionary under ‘complacent’ it reads
“New Zealand All Blacks, RWC Quarter final, 2007″

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out “New Zealand are good enough to win the World Cup.” Snow White says “Well at least Dopey’s alive!”

Did you hear that the NZ Post Office has had to recall their latest stamps. They had pictures of All Black rugby players on them. People couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.

Did you hear about the NZ politician who was found dead in an All Black rugby jersey? The police had to dress him up in women’s underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment.

Four surgeons are taking a coffee break. The first one says, “Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything inside them is numbered.” The second surgeon says, “Nah, librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.” Third surgeon says, “Try electricians everything inside them is colour-coded.” The fourth one says, “I prefer All Black rugby players. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable.”

Q: What do you have when the All Blacks are buried up to their necks in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What do you call an New Zealander at the RWC final?
A: Ref.

How do you get a champagne cork back into the bottle?

Ask any All Black Supporter

Q. What do you call 30 guys sitting around the T.V watching the Rugby World Cup final?
A. The Wallabies and The All Blacks

Whats the difference between the ABs,Aussies and a tea bag?

The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

Ya’s hear about the new All Black and Wallaby bra?

Plenty support and no cup.

Whats the difference between an all black and an arsonist?
An arsonist wouldnt waste five matches

Graham Henry found dead in hotel room, 4.5 million suspects.

Why do the All Blacks always have two to a hotel room when they’re on tour?
So one can perform the Heimlich Manoeuvre when the other one chokes

Just heard that tons of Viagra are being shipped out to NZ and AUS, it seems that the men out there are having a problem getting a semi

Graeme Henry takes out the All Blacks for training and tells everyone to assume their normal position. So they all go and stand behind the goalposts and wait for the conversion.

Henry to be replaced by Korean coach……Win Wun Soon

Why aren’t All Blacks allowed to own dogs?

Because they can’t hold onto a lead.

Qantas are new sponsors for the All Blacks.

They offered to drop them off while taking their own team home.

An All Black fan walks into a bar with his dog just as the rugby scores come on the TV. The commentator says that The All Blacks have lost 20-18 to france in the quarter final and the dog immediately rolls over on its back, sticks its paws in the air and plays dead.

“That’s amazing,” says the barman. “What does he do when they win?”

The man scratches his head for a couple of minutes and finally replies: “I dunno…. I’ve only had him since 1989.”

An All Blacks supporter goes to his a psychiatrist, wearing nothing but a pair of pants made from cellophane. The psychiatrist says to him, “Sir, I can clearly see your nuts.”

What is the difference between a battery and an All Black?
A battery has a positive side.

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October 11, 2007 - PT from Reading,UK

Best engine in the world…….The Vagina! It pulls anything,Its self lubricating, you can get it going with one finger, it takes any size piston and best of all every 4 weeks it does its own oil change!!!…………Pity the managment system is so fucking tempremental !!

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October 10, 2007 - Drew Peacock from wellingborough,uk

The Australian Rugby Team thought that they had found a new sponsor in Purina Pet Foods but the Advertising Standards Agency won’t let them play with WINALOT on their shirts.

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October 9, 2007 - Jayden from DrouinVictoria

What did teh Elephant say to the naked man?How do you breathe through that thing?

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October 8, 2007 - PT from Reading,UK

Woman gets on a bus holding a baby, bus driver says “thats one ugly baby you got there!” woman is furious but pays her fare and sits near the back of the bus. Bloke sitting next to her notices she is upset so asks her whats wrong. She explains that she has been insulted by the driver. He says” That terrible, as a public servant he shouldnt be allowed to get away with upsetting his passengers like that!” “If I was you Id get his name and report him” woman agrees so bloke says” here you are, go now and get his name…I`ll hold your monkey!”

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October 3, 2007 - james matthew from cornwall/truro

girl was granted two wishes.. 1st she asked for bigger tits they instantly grew to 38dd. Then she asked for a really tight cunt. she’ll proberly ring you later…

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October 3, 2007 - james matthew from cornwall/truro

what did the bananah say to the vibrater? dont know why your shaking for she’s going to eat me.

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October 3, 2007 - james matthew from cornwall/truro

A farmer and his wife in bed, farmer play’s with his wifes tits and say’s ere if we can get these two to work we can get rid of the cow daisy”, he then moves his hand lower and starts fiddling with her fanny and say’s ere if we can get this to work we can get rid of the chicken’s” wife leans over and grabs his cock and says” ere if we could get this to work we can get rid of your fucking brother.

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October 3, 2007 - Booza from perth

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, “So, how’s it going down there in Hell?”
Satan replied, “Hey, things are great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God was surprised, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here.”
“No way,” replied Satan. “I like having an engineer, and I’m keeping him.”
God threatened, “Send him back up here now or I’ll sue!”
Satan laughed and answered, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

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September 26, 2007 - Paul Clark from StAlbans-UK

A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. She promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, “I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.” So, the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, “Come on in.” When they opened the door, they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the floor, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A large man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke the window?” “Uh…yes, Sir. We’re very sorry about that,” the husband replied. “Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m a Genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but, if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.” “Wow, that’s great!” The husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.” “No problem,” said the genie. “You’ ve got it. And, I’ll also guarantee you a long, healthy life. “Now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked the wife. “I’d like
to own a gorgeous home, complete with servants, in every country in the world,” she said. “Consider it done,” the genie said. “And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!” “And now,” the couple asked in unison, “What’s your wish, Genie?” “Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, and haven’t been with a woman in
more than a thousand years, my wish is to fuck your wife!” The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, Honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?” She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?” “You know I love you, sweetheart,” said the husband. “I’d do the same for you!”So, the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop fucking, he rolled over, looked directly into her eyes, and asked, “How old are you and your husband?” “Why, we’re both 35,” she responded, breathlessly. “No kidding,” he said. “Thirty-five-years-old, and both of you still believe in genies?”.

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September 25, 2007 - Ken from TewkesburyUK

They’ve just found Foot and Mouth in Scotland, Fuck knows where the rest of Colin McRae is!!!

Colin McRaes wife has taken all of her money out of Northern Rock, she’s now with Scottish Widows

Pavorotti’s at the Pearly Gates, St Peter hands him over to God and says “Here’s that tenor I owe you”

A black guy takes a girl home from a club. She says to him “Show me if its true what they say about you black men”,,,,So he stabbed her and nicked her purse!!!

I need a bit of advice, some bloke down the pub offered me 8 venison legs for 50 quid, is that two deer?

to try and do my bit for charity I’m doing a stall at the church fete. I’ve tied a nigger to a post I’m selling stones. It’s my brick-a-black stall

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September 20, 2007 - Kyeanne

A girls mum was goin away 4 a while, she said 2 her daughter if daddy says no say But Mummmmmy Said, so dat night she said daddy can I eat of your plate,NO he said, But Mummmmmy said she replied, so she did. after dat her dad was gettn in da shower,daddy can i have a shower wid u,No,But mummmmmy said,so she did,That night she said daddy can I sleep with u?No ,But Mumm,Ok Ok he said get in, Daddy whats that? thats my little red indian dalin,Can I play wid it Ok Ok.

The next mornin…..
Weres daddys little red indian dalin? he said angrily. It Spat at me so I bit its head off…She was never seen again…..

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September 18, 2007 - Paul from glasgow

A Blind rabbit meets a blind snake…..after a brief conversation they agree to feel one another and
guess what they are….

Snake go’s first……”well you’ve got pointy ears, buck teeth and a fluffy tail….your a rabbit”…..

Next it’s the rabbit turn…..”you’ve got dry scaley skin, no hair, no eyebrows, no lips and
your hissing”………………..”your that muslim bastard from Glasgow airport”……..

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September 17, 2007 - toby howe from canberra

what gets longer when pulled, fits between your tits, inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked?
a seat belt you fuckin perv so buckle up

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September 17, 2007 - toby howe from canberra

what do you do if you see a abo running at you with half a face?
stop laughing and re-load

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August 31, 2007 - simon ingram from invernessscotland

Due to the numerous recent sightings of the Scottish Bear. All scottish woman are being asked to be extra vigilant when out in the countryside, and to apply very heavy ammounts of perfume,as this will keep the Red Bear at bay.However this does not work on the Black Bear . you can tell if a Black Bear is near by its droppings, they have a strong smell of PERFUME.

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August 19, 2007 - Vic from WestMidlands,England

A young guy from California moves to Colorado and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah, I was named ‘Best Salesman in the State’ back home in California.”

Well, the boss liked the idea of that, so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

“So, Mr. Best Salesman in the State,” the boss says, “how many sales did you make?”

The kid says, “One.”

The boss says, “Just one?! My sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?”

Kid says, “$101,237.64.”

The boss is staggered — that’s more than what everyone together averages. “$101,237.64? What did you sell him?”

“Let’s see,” the kid says. “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then I asked him what he was going to pull it with, and he said he had a Honda Civic. I told him that wasn’t big enough for a boat that heavy, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him a new V8 SUV.”

“Wow!” the boss said. “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?”

Kid says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Well, since your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.’…”

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August 16, 2007 - mark from essex,england

3 mice in a pub havin a beer discussing who the hardest. 1st mouse says ” im so hard i go up to the mouse traps, rip the cheese out and as the bar comes down i bench press it 30 time and trow it across the room” 2nd mouse says ” you puff, im so hard i get rat poison, grind it to dust and snort it” the 3rd mouse finishes his drink and get up to walk out, the other 2 mice ask him where he’s going, he replies ” im going home to f*ck the cat”

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August 11, 2007 - Robert from PiquaOhioUSA

How do you know it’s a terrorist and not an illegal coming across the border? he says “ohlah akbar.”

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August 10, 2007 - charlie b from uk

there’s woman in a coma for several years, while the nurse’s where bed bathin her they noticed a slight responce in her fanny, so they rushed out to her husband n explained that a bit of oral sex might bring her around, to which he agreed to doing, 5 five minutes later the machine flat lines, the nurse’s in and screamed “WHAT HAPPENED?!!” he replied “i dont know, she must have chocked”. kev ya a greatly respected man over here!!!!!

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August 8, 2007 - davidstone[t from saltash

if a farmer grows a feild full of dildos wats his bigest problem[squatters]

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August 7, 2007 - mark from liverpool

why wasnt the duke of edinbrough ever put on a stam?

you wouldnt know what side to spit on.

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August 4, 2007 - charlie burgess from unitedkingdom

i know a paki called jim, i like to throw tomartoes at him, they don’t bruise when they hit the skin but these fuckers do cos they’re still in the tin.

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August 3, 2007 - gareth from england

wife gets naked and asks hubby:”whats turns you on the most, my pretty face or my sexy body?”
hubby looks her up and down and replies: “your fu**ing sense of humour!!!!!

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August 1, 2007 - phil from plymouth,england

Why do cows look so bored when they are being milked? Ans:- You would be bored as well if some bastard woke you at 4am then played with your tits for 2 hours and you didn’t get fucked at the end of it!!!!!!!!!!

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July 31, 2007 - gareth from england

police in liverpool have arrested 3 of 4 well known scouse islamic terrorists; bin muggin, bin thievin and bin dealing .there was no sign of bin fu**in workin.

harry potter stories are so far fetched. i mean , i can buy the fact that magic exists, maybe even unicorns, but have you ever seen a ginger kid with two mates ?

---

July 29, 2007 - Gizza Break from London,UK

A man in the bar spends the evening chatting up an ugly middle aged woman. At closing time she invites to her home for sex, which, thanks to the beer he accepts. As they are walking up the garden path she asks him, how would you like a threesome with a mother and daughter? The man thinks his luck has changed and agrees rapidly. As they walk through the front door, the woman shouts up the stairs, Mum, put your teeth in, we,ve got a man………

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July 26, 2007 - Ian from Corsham,Wilts,UK

Just bought my wife a new belt and bag for her birthday but she was not best pleesed.
still the vacuum cleaner is now working well!!

---

July 26, 2007 - JOSH from PenrithNSW

Non alcholic beer is like licking Your sisters cunt! It tastes the same but aint right!

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July 23, 2007 - Bob from MaitlandNSW

I’ve just bee to my first muslim birthday party! Musical chairs was a bit slow, but fuck me pass the parcel was intense!

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July 22, 2007 - Bob from MaitlandNSW

Arnott’s have a new biscuit called the clitoris cream. One lick and you want the whole box!

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July 21, 2007 - gareth from england

four blokes sitting in a jacuzzi when a blob of seaman rises to the surface , one bloke said ” OK WHO`S FARTED?

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July 21, 2007 - carl from England

What’s more fun than spinning a muslim roun a clothesline at 100mph
Stopping him with a spade!!!

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July 21, 2007 - carl from England

A boy say’s to his mum i’v got the biggest cock in the nursery,
is it because i,m black’? No she replie’s it’s because your 25 and a fucking retard.

---

July 21, 2007 - carl from England

A little girl goes to the barbers with her father. She stand’s next to the barber’s chair eating a cake while her dad has his hair cut. The barber smile’s at her and say’s “sweetheart, your going to get hairs on your muffin”, I know she replies ” I’m gonna get bug tit’s too”.

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July 21, 2007 - carl from England

dawn French has been arrested at manchester airport, Apparently she fell over with no knicker’s on and exposed 40 kilo of crack.

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July 21, 2007 - carl from england

What do women and clouds have in common ?
Eventually they fuck off and it’s a nice day.

---

July 20, 2007 - Modes from Cairns

What do you call a blond in a cupboard?
Last year’s hide and seek winner.

What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association

What did the quadreplegic, spastic, mentally retarded, ugly, flat chested blond say when her dog jumped up on her?
Down Syndrome!

---

July 20, 2007 - simon from invernessscotland

3 men in a hospital fathers waiting room, an Englishman ,a Scotsman and a Nigger. the nurse comes in and tells them all that they are the proud fathers of three beautiful baby boys,but they have run out of labels and mixed the babies up. “can you help identify them by any family resemblance ” she asked. the Scot goes in first and comes out holding the Black baby,”i think you will find thats mine” said the Nigger. “fuck off , theres a 50/50 on a baby in there being English ,and im taking nae chance.

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July 19, 2007 - steve from uk

ciggarette ban in uk 2 pakis caught smoking at glasgow airport

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July 19, 2007 - steve from uk

new flavour crisps from walers only at glasgow airport smokey asian and barbecue jeep

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July 18, 2007 - stewart from england

just got back from the gym
had a great new machine in there
only at it twenty minutes and felt sick
it had everything
mars bars,snickers crisps ,pepsi

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July 18, 2007 - stewart from england

woman in jewelers
has she bends over to look at a diamond ring
she lets one rip
the salesman comes over and says
if you farted just looking at it
you’ll shit yourself when i tell you the price

man sat looking at his marriage licence
wife says what you doing
looking for the expiry date

---

July 17, 2007 - Ian from paignton

Woman in asda notices a young assistant, he has such a cute arse it makes her randy. She asks him to carry out her shopping to her car. On the way she cant hold back any more and says “ive got an itchy pussy.” He says “you’ll have to point it out love, all these fucking japanese cars look the same to me.”

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July 8, 2007 - Hugh Janus from chesterU.K

8 muslim doctors,3 bombs , no deaths. Harold Shipman, one doctor, one syringe, 300 dead, makes you almost proud to be British

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July 7, 2007 - simon from InvernessScotland

How do you tell lf your girl wants sex? put your hand down her pants and it feels like your feeding a horse.

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July 7, 2007 - simon from InvernessScotland

A woman came home to find her husband swatting flies in the kitchen.”killed any yet” she asked. “yep 3 males and four females. “how can you tell the difference ? “easy” he said ” 3 were on a can of beer, 2 on the phone,one at the sink and one moaned and groaned for ages before it died.

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July 7, 2007 - simon from InvernessScotland

I had to take a day off work yesterday, it taught me just how much my wife loves me.She was so thrilled to have me around,when the milkman and postman called , she ran outside shouting ” my husbands home, my husbands home.

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July 4, 2007 - Stuart from Lundun

A Moslem was seated next to an Australian on a Qantas flight from London to Melbourne, Australia.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Moslem if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let
liquor touch my lips.”

The Aussie handed his drink back to the attendant and said: “Me too. I didn’t know we had a choice.”

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July 3, 2007 - Bill from London

There was a guy in a bar one night who got really drunk, I mean really,
really, really drunk.

When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he
stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

Shocked, the nun fell to her knees but before she could do or say anything he
punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and
kicked her in the bum, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn’t move very much.

Then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and

said………………………………………………………………

“NOT VERY STRONG TONIGHT, ARE YOU, BATMAN?”

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July 3, 2007 - isac hunt from blackburn,lancs

Man buys a house that is infested with pigeons. His mate says “i have magic pink pigeon that is like pied piper, it will lure
the birds out to sea, dive in and all the others will follow and drown while the magic pigeon can swim.

nothing to loose he tries it, Sure enough it works!
” FUCKIN ELL that is great” he tells his mate

i don’t suppose you have a magic pink PAKI as well !!!

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July 2, 2007 - mat from QLD

What do you say to your wife with 2 black eyes?
ans; Nothign u ahve already told the bitch twice.

Whats black and blue and hates sex?
ans: A rape Victim

How do u give a dog a bone?
Ans; Tickle his balls

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June 30, 2007 - Bob from MaitlandNSW

Got a postcard from a blonde friend of mine. She said, “Having a good time. Where th fuck am i?”

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June 30, 2007 - simon from invernessscotland

A young woman gets a job teaching at an all boys school.At break she looks out the window to see all the boys playing football except one whose all alone. When she looks again at lunch time its the same ,all playing football except this one lad.she goes to see the headmaster with her concerns, demanding the boys file is checked. The headmaster explaines,”HES THE FUCKING GOALKEEPER”!

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June 28, 2007 - noj from eire

i went for a health check-up on thursday and the district nurse told me i had to stop wanking. i asked her why and she said “because i’m trying to examine you!”

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June 23, 2007 - Rodney Widt from MountMorgan,Queensland

Q: What happens when you give a polition viagra?
A: He gets taller

Q: Why are divorces so expensive?
A: Cause they’re worth it

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June 23, 2007 - Rodney Widt from MountMorgan,Queensland

Q: What’s the last thing that goes through a grasshoppers mind when he hits the windscreen??

A: His Ass

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June 23, 2007 - Rodney Widt from MountMorganQueensland

An Alien lands in the outback to find and aboriginal dancin…. The alien says “Lets zap away a quarter of his brain and see what happens.” ZAP.. The aboriginal stops for 2 seconds and starts dancin again… The alien zaps away another quarter of his brain.. ZAP.. The aboriginal stops for 2 seconds and starts dancin again… The alien zaps away the rest of his brain… ZAP.. And the aborginal stops for 2 seconds and then starts to do that hakka..

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June 22, 2007 - Glenn from Australia

what is the defference between a gay person and a rooster? A rooster says cock-a-doodle-do and a gay say any cock will do

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June 22, 2007 - phil from plymouth,england

40 years ago if a black guy was being chased across the fields by a mob of white guys it was called the Klu Klux Klan. These days it’s called the U.S.Open.

Blioke arrives at his honeymoon hotel and checks in. Ten minutes later he comes back down from his room with his fishing rod and tackle box. He asks the desk clerk where the best night fishing is in the area. The clerk says to him ” isn’t this your honeymoon”? to which he replied “yes, but tell me about the night fishing”. The clerk says “shouldn’t you be upstairs rooting the brains out of your new wife”? He says “not fuckin likely she’s got gonorrhoea” and the clerk says “well stick it up her ass”. The bloke says “not fuckin likely she’s got diarrhoea”. “Fuckin hell” says the clerk “get her to suck it then”. Not fuckin likely” says the bloke “she’s got pyorrhoea”. “Fuckin hell” says the clerk, “gonorrhoea, diarrhoea, pyorrhoea why the fuk did you marry her”? “well” he said, “got to get my maggots from somewhere”.

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June 20, 2007 - Beef from Wollongong

Q: How do you know when you’ve walked into a gay church?
A: Only half the congregation are on their knees.

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June 20, 2007 - Beef from Wollongong

A bloke was drinking at his local and he went to take a slash. He stood there at the urinal and started pissing, when the end of his dick fell off. The bloke next to him said, “If I were you, I would pick up the end of your penis, take it to the doctors, and they will sew it back on with microsurgery. So the man picked up the end of his dick, put it in his pocket and jumped in his car and drove to the doctors. He Said “Doctor, I’ve just had a terrible accident, the end of my penis has dropped off!” The Doctor said, “Give it to me immediately, I will sew it back on with microsurgery.” So the man gave the end of his dick to the doctor. The doctor took one look and said “That is not the end of your penis. That is a marshmallow.” The bloke said “It can’t be i’ve just finished eating the last one on the way here.”

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June 17, 2007 - Billie from peterboroughengland

What’s the difference between eating pussy and driving in a snow storm?
When you eat pussy,you can always see the arsehole in front of you.

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June 17, 2007 - Bob from MaitlandNSW

Kev walks into a bar & sees his mate Bob sitting there drownin his sorrows in a beer. “What’s up mate?” Kev asks. “Me girlfriend died a week ago.” Says Bob. “Shit that’s terrible!” says Kev, “yeah” says Bob, ” the sex is still good, but the bloody dishes are pilin up.”

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June 16, 2007 - cal from GREATbritain

just been offered a new job £500 a week with the brittke bone society i snapped his fucking hand off

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June 16, 2007 - cal from GREATbritain

grandma says to young grandson be a love & help me put this suppositery in, cousre i will he says she bends over & pull her kinckers down & spreds her legs, grandson says do i put it in the brown hole gran or feed it to the turkey

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June 15, 2007 - simon from InvernessScotland

Two Gas Service men are reading Gas Meters out in the country, ones about to retire the young lad will be taking over from him. They come to a remote farmhouse where they have to park the van and walk the last half mile to the house.once the outdoor meter is read, the older man challenges the young lad to a race back to the van ,to prove hes still got it. they are both running flat out neck and neck. when suddenly the old lady of the house sprints passed them. she says “bastards next time tell me about a Gas Leak!

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June 12, 2007 - Tania Holland from NewZealand

A woman is crawling across the floor on all fours with cum dribbling out of her arse and both sides of her mouth. What does that tell you? Your floors level.

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June 11, 2007 - Bob Melmouth from MaitlandNSW

We had a blackout the other night, but it’s okay, the cops caught him & put him back in the paddy wagon.

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June 9, 2007 - Beef from Wollongong

Q: Why do coons paint their garbage bins red & yellow?
A: So the kids think they’re eating out at McDonalds.

Q: What’s long, black and smelly?
A: The line at Centrelink.

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June 9, 2007 - Beef from Wollongong,Aust

Q: How do you know when your woman is ready for a root?
A: When you’ve got a fat.

Q:How do you know when you woman’s had enough sex?
A: When you’ve shot your load.

Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A: Coz they think men give a shit.

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June 9, 2007 - Kevin Dyck from RosedaleBCCanada

The first thing I did after my divorce was put a tampon on top of the T.V., to remind me of the cunt who took the VCR!

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June 9, 2007 - simon from inverness,Scotland

John and Mary live in a one bedroom high rise flat with their 8 year old son Jimmy . The only time they can have good sex is on a sunday afternoon when they send him out on to the balcony with an icecream and get him to shout 2 them 2 let them know whats happening in their neighbourhood. “the jones dog has got a bucket on its head, Cathys car has a new dent in its back wing, oh and the Browns are having sex!” . “what ” they said “how do you know” ? “young walters on the balcony eating an icecream” he said.

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June 9, 2007 - simon from inverness,Scotland

A wee boy caught his dad shagging his mum.asks them what were they doing? Dad says, were making fairy cakes son! A few days later at breakfast son says to his dad ,you and mum made fairy cakes again last night. How do you know that son ? Because ive just licked the icing off the bed !!

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June 7, 2007 - tim from bendigo

A COUPLE OF BLOKES SITTING IN THE PUB TALKING ABOUT THIER OTHER HALVES WHEN THE SUBJECT TURNED TO WOMENS PERIODS,WHEN ONE BLOKE PIPED UP AND SAID IT LOKS LIKE THE CUNTS HAVE HAD THIER THROATS CUT.

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June 6, 2007 - phil

2 nuns riding through the outback when they are held up by an outback outlaw. He makes them get down off their horses finding they have no valuables, rapes each of them in turn. He then lets them free to continue their journey. After about ten minutes one nun says to the other, “what will we tell mother superior, raped twice in one day”? The other nun says “what do you mean twice”? the first nun says “well we are coming back this way aren’t we”?

2 nuns out for a horse ride when one says “I@ve never come this way before” and the other nun replies “no, good isn’t it”!

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June 3, 2007 - simon from invernessscotland

An Eskimo family visited the big city for the first time. The mother and daughter went off to shop till they dropped, whilst the father and son watched an elevator for the first time. people went in , the big silver doors closed and they were tele-ported God knows where, just then an ugly old woman went in,and when the doors reopened a beautiful 21 year old walked out. “go and get your mother ” he said

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May 29, 2007 - Hocks

Basic Bar Translations
1. “YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME.”
(We won’t be here long enough to get another round.)

2. “I’LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU.”
(Happy hour is about to end… beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.)

3. “HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?”
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

4. “WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?”
(What’s cheap?)

5. “I’LL HAVE A GLASS OF HOUSE WHITE.”(FEMALE)
(I’m easy.)

6. “I’LL HAVE A GLASS OF HOUSE WHITE (MALE)
(I’m gay.)

7. “I’LL HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN.” (FEMALE)
(I’m really easy.)

8. “I’LL HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN.” (MALE)
(I’m really gay.)

9. “DO YOU HAVE ANY SAMBUCA?”
(I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning.)

10. “EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?” (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

11. “EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?” (FEMALE TO MALE)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, can you imagine what I’ll do to you in bed?)

12. “CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?” (FEMALE)
(I am really annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

13. “CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?” (MALE)
(It’s 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking 1/2 hour ago. Hell, I probably spent half my paycheck in here last night, it is the least you can do for me.)

14. “I DON’T FEEL WELL, LET’S GO HOME.” (FEMALE)
(You’re paying more attention to your friends than to me.)

15. I DON’T FEEL WELL, LET’S GO HOME.” (MALE)
(I’m horny.)

16. “WHO’S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?”
(I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

17. “EXCUSE ME.” (MALE TO MALE)
(Get the hell out of the way.)

18. “EXCUSE ME.” (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am going to grope you now and blame it on the crowd.)

19. “EXCUSE ME.” (FEMALE TO MALE)
(Don’t even think about groping me, just get the hell out of my
way.)

20. “EXCUSE ME.” (FEMALE TO FEMALE)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You’re certainly not all that, missy, coming in here dressed like a ho… And get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you like the slut you are, bitch.)

21. “THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR.”
(Did I sleep with him/her?)

22. “I DON’T HAVE MY ID ON ME.” (FEMALE)
(I’m 16.)

23. “I DON’T HAVE MY ID ON ME.” (MALE)
(I don’t have a licence since I got pulled over and blew a .4 after my last visit here.)

24. “NO, REALLY, I’M OK TO DRIVE.”
(I’m wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.)

25. “I’M NOT USED TO THESE DARTS.”
(I’m can’t throw anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.)

26. “LET’S GO OUT TO MY CAR AND GET SOME CIGARETTES.” (MALE TO FEMALE)
(You would look great face down in my lap.)

27. “I’VE HAD LIKE 10 BEERS ALREADY.”
(I’ve only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.)

28. “YOU GO AHEAD, I’LL CATCH A CAB.”
(I already lined up a ride home with your ‘ex’.)

---

May 29, 2007 - Hocks

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.
Devil: Why so glum?
Guy: Why do you think? I’m in hell.
Devil: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure I love to drink.
Devil: We’ll you’re gonna love Mondays, then. On Mondays that’s all we do.
Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Mountain Dew. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Devil: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it.
Devil: All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it’s okay…you’re already dead!
Guy: No way!
Devil: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horseraces; you name it. We’ve even opened up a Pai Gow poker table.
Guy: Hmmm, I’ve never played pai gow before…
Devil: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love drugs! You don’t mean …
Devil: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. You can do all the drugs you want. If you overdose? It’s okay! You’re already dead!!
Guy: Yes! I never realized that hell was such a swinging place!! Devil:
So… are you gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), you are gonna HATE Fridays!

---

May 29, 2007 - Hocks

Receptionist: “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we
have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the
samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain
which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.”

Mr. Smith: “What do you mean?”

Receptionist: “Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer
disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife.”

Mr Smith: “That’s terrible! What am I supposed to do now?”

Receptionist: “The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the
middle of town and if she finds her way home, don’t fuck her.”

---

May 29, 2007 - Hocks

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is:

“I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Rugby.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty ?
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Corvette and a Boat”).

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not, don’t you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I’d get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: ( makes audible groan )
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can’t use them; she’s left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Oh bugger.

---

May 29, 2007 - Hocks

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing.
She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The casecame up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this, When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I had to smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Slogan’s liniment will reduce the swelling” and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick” and I could hardly control myself.
BUT….when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident” I laughed out loud.

“Case Dismissed” said the Judge.

---

May 29, 2007 - Hocks

A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a
5-story hotel with a sign that reads “For Women Only”
Since they were without their boyfriends or parents, they decide to go
in.
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.
“We have 5 floors…go up floor by floor, and once
you find what you are looking for, you can stay there.
It’s easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what’s
inside”

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads
“All the men here have it short and thin” …the friends laugh
and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the Second floor reads ”
All the men here have it long and thin”.

Still, this wasn’t good enough so the friends move
up to the Third floor, where the sign read
“All the men here have it short and thick”.

This was still another disappointment, but knowing there are
still 2 floors left, they move on to the next floor.
In the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect.
“All the men here have it long and thick”

The women get all excited and are going in when
they realize that there is one floor left.
Wondering what they were missing,
they go to the Fifth floor, where the sign read”

“There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove
that there is no way to please a woman” !!!!!!!!!

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May 29, 2007 - Hocks

The other night I was invited out for a night with “the boys.”
I told my girlfriend that I would be home by midnight … promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy.
At around 3 A.M., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up,and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, I realized she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning my girlfriend asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o’clock. She didn’t seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why she said “Well, it cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh f##k,’ cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times,giggled, cuckooed twice more and then farted.

---

May 29, 2007 - Hocks

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned,
so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph’s condition could be cured through corrective surgery.

“How long will Ralph be on crutches?”, the wife asked anxiously.

“Crutches? Why would he need crutches?”, responded the surprised doctor.

“Well,” said the wife coldly, “You ARE planning to lengthen Ralph’s legs, aren’t you?”

———-

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end
to it by arousing his jealousy. “What would you say if I told you that
I’ve been sleeping with your best friend?” she asked provocatively.
“Well,” he mused, “I’d say that you’re a lesbian.”

---

May 29, 2007 - Hocks

The Ant and the Grasshopper

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper
thinks he’s a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has
no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

========================================================

MODERN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The
grasshopper thinks he’s a fool and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference
and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and
well fed while others are cold and starving. TV1 and TV3 show up to
provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in
his comfortable home with a table filled with food. NZ is stunned
by the sharp contrast.
How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor
grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association of Green
Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with “green bias,” and
makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years
of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on Holmes with the
grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings “It’s Not Easy Being
Green.”

Jim and Helen Clarke make a special guest appearance on a hour
long Holmes Special to tell a concerned Paul Holmes that they will do
everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity
he
deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the National summers, or
as
Jim refers to it, the “Temperatures of the 90’s.”

Rod Donald and Sue Bradford exclaim in an interview with John
Campbell that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and
calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his “fair
share.”
Finally, the Combined Trade Unions draft the “Economic Equity and
Anti-Greenism Act” retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
This is immediately rushed through the house under urgency
together with a bill deregulating the practise of advanced and general
medicine,
prescription of drugs and general dentistry in favour of
midwives. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate
number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive
taxes, his home is confiscated by the government . Sue Bradford and Helen
Clarke lead an all night vigil outside his home on the night before
eviction chanting “shame, shame, shame ” throughout the night , ( but in a
culturally sensitive manner ).

Jim gets the Crown Law Office to represent the grasshopper in a
defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of
judges that Helen appointed from a list of single-parent
welfare mums who can only hear cases on Thursday’s between 1:30
and 3pm when there are no talk shows scheduled. The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last
bits of the ant’s food while the government house he’s in, which just
happens
to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around him since he doesn’t know
how to maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the
grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant’s food, they are showing Jim
and Helen standing before a wildly applauding group of politicians
announcing that a new era of “fairness” has dawned in New Zealand.

_
/’_/)
,/_ /
/ /
/’_'/’ ‘/’__’7,
/’/ / / /”/_\
(’( ‘ ‘ _~/’ ‘)
\ ‘ /
‘’ \ _.7′
\ (
\ \

---

May 29, 2007 - Hocks

There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for ranch hands. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long, hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher’s wife said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job and we’ve both done nothing but work for weeks. The ranch looks great, and I’m taking Saturday night off and going into town to kick up my heels and paint the town red, and I think you should do the same. “The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night each went to town. The rancher’s wife had dinner and a lot of drinks with friends, and talked and joked and danced, and had a great time, getting home about midnight. The hired hand wasn’t home yet, so she decided to wait up for him.
One o’clock and no hired hand yet. Two o’clock and no hired hand and she began to worry.
At two-thirty in came the hired hand.
The rancher’s wife was sitting by the fireplace and called him over by her. “Now I’m the boss,” she said, “and you have to do what I tell you, right?”
“Well, yes,” he answered.
“Then unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said. He did as she asked.
“Now take off my shoes.”
He did.
“Now take off my stockings.”
He did.
“Now take off my skirt.”
He did.
“Now take off my bra.”
Again he did as she asked.
“Now take off my panties.”
And again he did what she told him.
Then she looked at him and said; “Don’t ever wear my clothes to town again.”

---

May 29, 2007 - Hocks from NZ

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them, through the windshield.

Quick, quick shouts Sister Marilyn. What shall we do?

Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination, says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

What shall I do now? she shouts.

Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican, says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

Now what? shouts Sister Marilyn. As Dracula hangs on.

Show him your cross, says Sister Helen.

Now youre talking,says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, …

“Get the Fuck off our car Cunt”

---

May 28, 2007 - stewart from england

HAD A CAR CRASH THIS MORNING
OTHER DRIVER WAS A DWARF
HE GOT OUT AND SAID”I’M NOT HAPPY”
I SAID “WHICH ONE ARE YOU THEN”

---

May 26, 2007 - phil from plymouthengland

Teacher says to Kev, ” why have you brought your cat to school Kevin?” Kev replied, “well Miss I heard the postman say to mummy, as soon as the kids have gone to school, I’m going to eat your pussy”!!!!

---

May 26, 2007 - mike fry from brisbanequeensland

A young boy asked his dad for a new pushbike. His dad said no way not now .Your mum just got sacked and the mortgage is $360,000 , so no way can you get a new bike. Next morning dad found his son in the hall way with his bag packed.” Where are you going?” dad asked. “I’m leaving ” the lad replied
“Why?”asked dad
‘Cos last night night when i was passing your room I heard you say you were pulling out. Mum said she was coming and i’ll be fucked if i’m staying here alone with a $360,000 mortgage and NO bike!!

---

May 26, 2007 - Vic from WestMidlands,England

A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.
The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the “Butcher Dance.”
The guy’s a bit confused and says, “Butcher Dance? What’s that?”
“What? You no see Butcher Dance?”
“No, I’ve never heard of it.”
“Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?”
“Umm. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?”
“No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree.”
“Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?”
“Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance.”
“Look, I’ve been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance.”
“OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles ’til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving.
You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days ’til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day ’til you see pass through mountains.
Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days ’til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man’s head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance.”
So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he’s forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn’t reach the tree until dusk and he’s forced to set up camp for the night.
He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he’s excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.
True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life’s dream.
The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.
When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.
Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.
Once he’s recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film their Butcher Dance.
“Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance.”
“Well, when do you hold the next dance?”
“Not ’til next year.”
“Well, I’ve come all this way. Couldn’t you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?”
“No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year.”
The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.
The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.
Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.
They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.
Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.
Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.
“The Butcher Dance!” gasps the guy. “Please don’t tell me I’m too late!”
The chief recognizes him and says “No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time.”
Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night’s ritual on film as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird’s feathers and animal skins.
Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.
A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, “What’s he doing?”
“Hush,” whispers the chief. “You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year.”
The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.
The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.
The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing,
He says, “You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about…”

---

May 20, 2007 - simon from InvernessScotland

A young red indian brave called “small manhood” approached the chief “laysemwell” “i am 17 now , can i start having sex with some of our tribal squaws” he asked.”no said the chief we cant have you spoiling our squaws with your fumblings, you must go into the woods and practise on the trees for a few weeks first”.
After three weeks he returned to the chief”i am ready” he said. “ok said the chief you can spend the night with” tender flower”, i broke her in last night myself.” Which one is she” he said ,”thats her bending over washing her smalls at the watering hole “.said the chief. “small manhood raced down to the bending squaw and kicked her as hard as he could, “what the fuck”she said.”Just making sure youve got no BEES” he said .

---

May 20, 2007 - simon from InvernessScotland

Little Jimmy wakes up one night needing th e toilet as he passes his parents room he can see them having sex. Before they know hes jumped on dads back shouting”bucking Bronco”, its so dark they carry on .Suddenly the mother starts squerming and moaning “hang on tight dad ” says Jimmy “this is where the milkman and i get Bucked Off”.

---

May 20, 2007 - simon from invernessscotland

Two guys drinking in a bar . The first one says”do you ever think about something,and when you go to talk you say something you dont mean to say?The second guy says”yeah i was at the airport buying two tickets ,and the girl had huge tits,instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburg ,i asked for two to Titsburg.” The first guy says “yeah well i was having breakfast with my wife today,and instead of saying honey please pass the sugar? i said Youve ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH”.

---

May 20, 2007 - simon from invernessscotland

A guy gets off with a girl from the local fairground. They go back to her caravan, in her bedroom he notices shes got loads of soft toys everywhere. They have good sex ,he says “how was i “? she said “you can have anything from the bottom shelf over there”!

---

May 20, 2007 - simon from inverness

A woman in a restaurant is choking on her food, quick as a flash the man from the next table spins her around bends her over and pulls her pants off and licks her butthole. She is so shocked she coughs up what she was choking on. The smiling man says “the hind- lick maneuver never fails!

---

May 18, 2007 - Freddie - Juju from Nowhere

Q. What’s the difference between a duck?
A. One leg is both the same as the other one, and it bangs it’s head together when it walks!

(Note to Kev: NZ rox, and Auzie sux, nah just joax u rox kev xoxo )

---

May 17, 2007 - nath from newzealand

Little Jonny is in the bath with his Mum when he asks her, Mum whats that hairy thing? she replied well johnny thats my sponge. Oh yes i knew that says Jonny Aunty has one I seen her washing dads face with it

---

May 17, 2007 - kristy from bathurst

a women in the pub picks up this fellow and takes him back to her place. he growles her out and a pea comes out just brushes it aside and keeps going. Then a carrot comes out the man is a bit worried so he had to ask he said” are you sick?” she replied ” No but the guy before you was”

---

May 17, 2007 - kristy from bathurst

what’s the dirrerence between a 80year old woman and a milk carton? you could still pull the flaps back on the milk carton

what’s 40-cmlong and hangs from arsehols? police ties!

what’s white and hangs from the clouds ? The cumming of the lord

jesus walks into a bar puts 3 nails on the bar and said” can you put me up for the night?”

what’s the difference between jesus and a picture? 2 less nails

---

May 13, 2007 - Rochelle from dubbo,nsw

Whats 14 inches long and hangs from a cunt?
John Howards neck tie.

---

May 13, 2007 - Rochelle from dubbo,nsw

Do you remember when you were younger and you used to blow bubbles in the bath……. Well bubbles is out of jail and he wants to see you again

Women are magic creatures, they get wet without water, bleed without being injured, give milk without eating grass and they can make boneless meat rock hard.

An elephant walks up to a camel and says “ha ha why are your tits on your back?” Camel replies ” thats rich coming from a fat cunt with a dick on his face.

What gets longer when pulled, fits between a womans tits, inserts neatly into a hole and works best when jerked hard?
A seatbelt!! you dirty bastard.

Friends are like bumcheeks, shit comes between them but they always stick together.

---

May 13, 2007 - shaun from plymouthengland

what have niggers and push bikes have in common?

they both need chains to work.

---

May 12, 2007 - Mark Radford from KingsLynnEngland

>> A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his
father, “Dad, how
>> many
>> kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised,
answers, “Well,
>> son, there
>> are three kinds of breasts.
>> In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons,
round and firm.
>> In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice
but hanging a
>> bit.
>> After 50, they are like onions”.
>> “Onions?”
>> “Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
>> This infuriated his wife and daughter so the
daughter said, “Mum,
>> how many
>> kinds of ‘willies’ are there?”
>> The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well
dear, a man goes
>> through
>> three phases.
>> In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty
and hard.
>> In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible
but reliable.
>> After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree”.
>> “A Christmas tree?”
>> “Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just
for
>> decoration.”

---

May 12, 2007 - Mark Radford from KingsLynnEngland

I’D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday.
“I’d love to be eight again” she replied

On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made
her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off
to the local theme park. What a Day!

He put her on every ride in the park:

* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme Park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her
loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra
fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars
epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could
drink, her favourite lolly and M& M’s.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his
precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked
“Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?”

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed. “I meant my dress size, you f**ckin tw@t”

The moral of this story: Even when a man is Listening,
he’s still going to get it wrong.

---

May 12, 2007 - Mark Radford from KingsLynnEngland

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come
over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle,
and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when
it’s finished?” The blonde says, “According to the
picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the
puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has
the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the
pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do,
we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces
into anything resembling a tiger.”
He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to
relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then ..” He
sighed……………. “Let’s put all the Frosted
Flakes back in the box..”

---

May 12, 2007 - Mark Radford from KingsLynnEngland

>> > —–Subject: Fannie Green
>> >
>> > A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest,……
>> > “Father,
>> > it has been one month since my last confession….. I’ve had Sex with
>> > Fannie Green every week for the last month.”. …. The priest tells the
>> > sinner,… “You are forgiven….. Go out and say three ‘Hail
>> > Mary’s’.”……. Soon, another man enters the confessional…….
>> > “Father, it has been two months since my last confession….. I have
>> > had
>> > sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.”….. This
>> > time the priest asks,….. “Who is this Fannie Green?”…. “A new woman
>> > in the neighbourhood,”… the sinner replies…. “Very well,” says the
>> > Priest …”Go and say ten ‘Hail Mary’s’…..” The next morning in
>> > church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon; when a gorgeous,
>> > tall woman enters the church….. All the men’s eyes fall upon her as
>> > she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the
>> > altar…… She is stunning…. Her dress is green and very short,;
>> > with
>> > matching shiny emerald green shoes…….. The priest and altar boy
>> > gasp
>> > as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart,… Sharon
>> > Stone-style….. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering
>> > asks,……. “Is that Fannie Green?”….. The altar boy replies,…..
>> > “No Father,….. I think it’s just the reflection off her
>> > shoes.”…………… !!!!!

---

May 12, 2007 - Mark Radford from KingsLynnEngland

BEST PICK-UP LINE

An Australian is sitting at a bar in New York City and
looks at his
watch several times in the space of a few minutes.

The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, “Is
your date
running
late?”

“No,” he replies, “I have this state-of-the-art watch.
I was just
testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch?
What’s so
special about it?”

The Aussie explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to
me
telepathically.”

The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”

“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken
because I am
wearing panties!'’

The Aussie smirks, taps his watch and says, “Bloody
thing’s running
about an hour fast, can I buy you a drink?

---

May 11, 2007 - Dave Downie from Victoria

A 19year old guy is at the pub at closing time when an older lady well into her 60’s approaches him & says “how about a good time back at my place”
He thinks to himself well I’ve had a few so what the heck…..

They get to her place & she get’s her gear off & he starts to feel disgusted with himself yet feels he can’t let her down now & decides to give her what she wants. Just at that moment she asks him if he’d ever had a mother /daughter threesome ?

Thinking his luck is the up he says no but I’ve always fantasised about it……

She says “well tonights your lucky night”………then banged her fist on the wall behind the bedhead & yells out “MUM ya better get up we’ve got another one !!!!”

---

May 11, 2007 - simon from invernessscotland

Paddy and Murphy were reading gravestones, paddy shouts “hey Murphy theres a guy here who lived to 152 “.
murphy says “whats his name” paddy says “miles from london.

---

May 10, 2007 - jamie from malbrough/nz

a guy was walking home from the pub wen he realized he needed to shit, so he ducked round the corner and up in to the door way ov a shop! any way just as he woz finished a police officer comes around the corna, the guy didnt now wot to do so he tock his hat off and put it over top. the cop gets owt ov his car walks over and ask wot was under the hat? the guy replied ive court the fastest animal in the world! the police officer replies i wana see this animal? the guy replies ‘’ok'’ on the count ov three ill lift the hat and uu grab it! the cop replies ok mate, they count 1 2 3 swish the cop opens his hand ‘wots this? the guy replies i told ya, the little cunt shit in ya hands before you could catch em

---

May 10, 2007 - jamie from malbrough/nz

why don’t women go to the toilet in the morning? ever tried opening a cold cheese toasty!

---

May 8, 2007 - nath from NEWZEALAND

Boy asks his granny. “Have you seen my pills. They were labelled LSD?”. Granny says ” fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen”. !!!!!!!!

---

May 7, 2007 - Hank the Yank from ThegoodOleUSofA

One day a woman and her husband were working outside in their garden. the day had begun with a little hanky panky in the bed room and becasue the woman had a feeling it would end the same way she was dressed in naught but a sundress. no panties just a sundress. well as luck would have it a bee flew up into her vagina. she creams to her husband GET IT OUT GET IT OUT!!! the husband carries her to the car and drives her to the hospital. once there he gets her out and goes thru the usual formalities. when they finally see a doctor the man says DOC MY WIFE HAS A BEE IN HER VAGINA! the doctor says I BELIEVE THAT MARRIAGE COUNSELING IS DOWN THE HALL!

One day a woman and her husband were working outside in their garden. the day had begun with a little hanky panky in the bed room and becasue the woman had a feeling it would end the same way she was dressed in naught but a sundress. no panties just a sundress. well as luck would have it a bee flew up into her vagina. she creams to her husband GET IT OUT GET IT OUT!!! the husband carries her to the car and drives her to the hospital. once there he gets her out and goes thru the usual formalities. when they finally see a doctor the man says DOC MY WIFE HAS A BEE IN HER VAGINA! the doctor says WELL HERE IS THE PLAN. IM GOING TO COAT THE TIP OF MY PENIS WITH HONEY, STICK IT UP IN YOUR WIFES VAGINA AND TRY TO LURE THE LITTLE BASTARD OUT. the man gives a disapproving look and says IS THAT THE ONLY OPTION? CANT I DO IT? the doc says SURE IF YOU WANT TO RISK GETTING YOUR DICK STUNG. The man steps aside and the doctor follows thru with his plan. eventually the man notices that the doctor is thrusting into his wife and he yells at him WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?! the doctor says back to him CHANGE OF PLAN IM GONNA BROWN THE SON OF A BITCH!

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May 5, 2007 - sefo from uk

A scientist has invented a bra that stops tits bobbing up & down and nipples sticking out in the cold.
His colleagues have kicked his fuckin head in.

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May 5, 2007 - sefo from uk

A man with no arms entered a national masterbation championship, he did’nt cum anywhere.

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April 28, 2007 - mick from Geelong

Paddy said to Mick “what would ya do if a bird shit on yer head?”
Mick ” Ah wouldn’t go out with er again”

boom boom

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April 25, 2007 - phil from plymouthengland

A tramp in Sydney finds a queue nand asks what eveyone id queueing for. A bloke tells him it is a blood donor session and they are paying for rare blood types. He joins the queue and has a rare blood type , so donates a pint and gets $50 for it. When he leaves he walks down the street and sees another queue with a sign saying Sperm Bank, we pay for your donation. Thinking it’s his lucky day, he follows the queue down the street and around the corner. When he eventually reaches the end of the queue, there is a women there. He says to her ” I think you’ve made a mistake, this is the queue for the sperm bank”. She takes a big swallow and says “I know, but I just as well fuck off home now”.

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April 24, 2007 - tom from london

20 stone woman getting ready for a fancy dress party say’s to her husband “ive nothing to wear” he says pull your piss flaps over your head and go as a sugar puff”

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April 23, 2007 - Alotaham from Brighouse,England

What’s the difference between a woman and a fridge? A fridge doesn’t fart when you take your meat out.

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April 21, 2007 - jesse mccartney from www.mo1a68.org/jesse-mccartney

I’ll be BACK!

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April 21, 2007 - simon from invernessScotland

A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm and says “heres the pig ive been shagging for the last few years” .his wife looks up and says “its not a pig its a duck” the man says “i was talking to the duck” !

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April 20, 2007 - Paul from Perth

What does West Virginia Tech & Mount Everest have in common ?

1 killer slope & minus 32

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April 14, 2007 - dylan kenny from australia from dylan

hay good on yah ryan i siad some thing
lick da 2 but its gon
hay jst 4 da record
sheep shagers!!! haha

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April 13, 2007 - margy moran from adelaide

whats the national aftershave for new zealand………… mint sauce

whats a woman for? someone to lie on while your having a root

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April 12, 2007 - John from NewZealand

Did you realise…
Pakistan is the only cricket team to go to the World Cup and come home with the ASHES

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April 10, 2007 - MARK from YAMBANSW

Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.

Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.

Q. What’s the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

Q. What’s the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling

Q. What’s so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A. You know she’ll swallow.

Q. What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he’s got his head up a fairy’s skirt, then he’s a goblin.’

Q. What’s the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a “quickie,”only you do it yourself.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s ass?
A. A mechanic!

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she’s 18.

Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.

Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?
A. “Are you In?” or “Is It In?”

Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex
A. “Honey, I’m home!”

Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q. Did you hear about the new paint called “Blonde” paint?
A. It’s not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..

Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.
A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Q. How can you tell a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons.

Q: What’s the leading cause of death among lesbians?
A: Hair balls.

Q: What’s good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy?
A: Crust.

Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.

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April 10, 2007 - Brad from Brisbane

What happened to the man you put his hand in the Jelly-Bean jar?

The black one stole his watch!!

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April 10, 2007 - stewart from rochdale

PADDY WINS £2 MILLION POUNDS ON THE LOTTERY
CAMELOT PHONE HIM UP AND SAY “SLIGHT PROBLEM WITH THE PAYOUT”
“WE CAN ONLY GIVE YOU £1 MILLION THIS WEEK AND £1 MILLION NEXT WEEK”
“FUCK THAT ” SAYS PADDY “YOUR NOT MESSING ME ABOUT”
“GIVE ME MY POUND BACK”

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April 8, 2007 - tim from bendigo

WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TWO HOLES? SO YOU CAN PICK THEM UP LIKE A BOWLING BALL!

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April 7, 2007 - Hev from WorcsUK

Since gay marriages have been made legal Ikea have released there new lesbian beds:
There’s no screwing involved it’s just tongue and grove!

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April 6, 2007 - Billie from PeterboroughEngland

A woman once said that a man is like a deck of playing cards.You need.A heart to love him.A diamond to marry him.A club to
smash his head in and a spade to bury the bastard.

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April 6, 2007 - Andrew Bobbett (Honest) from SWales,UK

Two blondes walked into a building. You’d think one of them would have seen it.

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April 5, 2007 - skippy from northampton

I know a paki called jim, i just love to lob tomatoes at him tomatoes are soft and don’t hurt the skin but these fuckers do cos there still in the tin…

sorry i haven’t been in touch for a while i’ve been in brasil, at a strawberry squashing competition. i came second, some bird with no leggs came first… jammy cunt…

A fucking ugly bloke walks into a pub with a big grin on his face,wot u so happy bout asks the landlord? i live buy the railway &
on my way home last night i noticed a woman tied too the track, so i cut her free and we shagged all night!
did you get a blow job asked the landlord? no he says, never found her head…

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April 5, 2007 - Ben Dover from Kilby,UK

The Ferrari F1 team manager decided to employ some Scouse pit crew due to their renowned skill in removing car wheels quickly. At the first practice session, not only did they change all 4 wheels in 6 seconds, but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold it to the McLaren team for 8 cans of Stella, a bag of weed and some pictures of Coulthard’s bird being shagged up the arse.

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April 5, 2007 - Ben Dover from Kilby,UK

Pakistan are the only team apart from England and Australia to bring home the ashes

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April 3, 2007 - ben from newcastle

how do you tell if a blondes having a bad day? her tampons behund her ear and she cant find her pencil

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April 3, 2007 - Daz-SAFC from Peterlee

the pakistani cricket team have given up on cricket…..apparently they’ve taken up ” bob slaying “

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March 31, 2007 - tonyblur

the pakistan cricket board have just announced in a press conference that gladstone small is to be there new coach.lets see them strangle that cunt!

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March 28, 2007 - stewart from england

2 irishmen making a letter bomb
paddy says” do you think i’ve put enough explosives in this envelope”
“don’t know open it and see” says murphy
” but it will explode”says paddy
“don’t be stupid”says murphy “it’s not addressed to you”

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March 27, 2007 - JJ from Brisbane

Why do women have foreheads?
You have to have somewhere to kiss them after they have given you a blowjob

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March 27, 2007 - Chris from uk

Whats Black and loud??
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

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March 25, 2007 - tim from bendigo

have you ever seen a cunt wrapped in plastic? take out your license and have a look.

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March 25, 2007 - steve from uk

how to find inner peace,the best way is to finish what you started.i looked around this morning to see what i had started so i finished the vodka,baileys some red wine and the valium and you have no fucking idea how peaceful i am now.

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March 21, 2007 - Dai Davies from Swansea

Man in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a gun. ” Open the fucking safe” he shouts to the manageress. He then says “Now take a sample out and drink it” She drinks it & wipes her mouth. Suddenly, the man takes off his mask to reveal its her husband. He says “See its not that difficult is it?”

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March 19, 2007 - noj

linford christie walks into a really exclusive golf club and asks can he join. the secretary replies “well sir theres another golf club 5 minutes down the road that i really think would suit you much better. its very quaint,very nice,and i think its free”. christie then says very annoyed “do you know who i am?” secretary replies”frankly sir i dont”. christie says”i’m linford christie, i won a gold medal in the 100 metres at the 1992 olympics” “oh i’m frightfully sorry sir” says the secretary,”in that case its only 2 minutes down the road!”

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March 19, 2007 - noj from eire

whats the difference between samantha mumba and manchester united?
man. utd. have giggs!

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March 18, 2007 - chris from ararat

two of bill clintons sperm were travvling to the cervix and sperm1 said how far away are we from the cervix and sperm2 said i dunno but we just passed the toncils

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March 18, 2007 - Hev from Worcs

Ron the rooster was the biggest, meanest rooster in all of the land, He spent the whole time picking on the other animals on the farm.
One day Ron picked on the farmyard cat, unfortunately for him the cat beat the crap out of him. Which just goes to show that:
No matter how big the cock is the pussy can always take it!

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March 16, 2007 - google from www.paradistc.org/google

Nice site. Thanks.

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March 15, 2007 - NEIL from LONDON

WHAT HAS A WOMAN’S ASSHOLE AND A 9 VOLT BATTARY GOT IN COMMON.

YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD’NT BUT SOME TIME IN YOUR LIFE YOUR GONNA PUT YOUR TOUNGE THEM.

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March 13, 2007 - italia from www.paradistc.org/italia

mmm.. nice design, I must say..

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March 12, 2007 - booza

Old Sean lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Mick, who used to help him, was in an English prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Mick,
I am feeling a mite down because it looks like I won’t be able to plant me potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Father,
For CHRIST’S SAKE, don’t dig up the garden! That’s where I buried all them feckin’ BODIES!
Love, Mick

At 4 A. M. the next morning, a dozen agents from Scotland Yard and local Gardai (courtesy of Michael Mc Dowell)showed up and dug up the entire garden down to a depth of about six feet. That evening, not finding any bodies, they apologized to the old man and left.

The next day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Father,
Go ahead and plant yer spuds now. It’s the best I could do under the Circumstances.

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March 10, 2007 - stewart from rochdaleengland

irish family found frozen to death outside a dubln cinema
had been queing for three weeks to see
“closed for the winter”

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March 10, 2007 - tim from bendigo

Here about the ex virgin who took her first boyfriend to court? Got him for breaking and entering.

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March 10, 2007 - Andy T from Scotland

A young Guy was out on the piss one night and he pulls a stunning girl. They end up back in his place and he asks her if she wants to see his Clock.
She looked puzzeled but says yeah anyway.
He disappears through to another room and comes back to he bollock naked with a fucking hard on.
She screams thats not a clock its a cock.
He says it fucking will be one when you put 2 hands and a face on it!!

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March 9, 2007 - kristy from bathurstnsw

a group of blonds walk into a bar and says ” yeah 8 days” 8 days lets celebrate! orders a round of drinks then another lot of blonds come in ” yeah 8 days” orders more drinks the bartender is a bit confused and decided to ask one of the blonds what is 8 days the blond replied ” no 8 days to do the puzzel and it said 3-4 years”

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March 7, 2007 - booza

Aboriginal style?”

An Australian Aboriginal goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a prostitute.
He asks, “How much do you charge for da hour, bro?” “$100,” she replies.
He says “Okay, do you do Aboriginal style?” She says “No!”
“I’ll pay you $200 to do it Aboriginal style?” he said She again says “No” since she doesn’t know what Aboriginal style is.
So he then offers her $300. Again she declines his offer. So finally he says, “I’ll give you $500 to go Aboriginal style with me!”
Finally, she agrees, thinking, “Well I’ve been in the game for over 10 years now. I’ve been there and I’ve done that: had every kind of request from weirdo’s from every corner of the world. How bad could Aboriginal Style be?'’
So she goes ahead and has sex with him - doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, “That was fantastic. I’ve never enjoyed it so much, but I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the’Aboriginal style’ come in?” The Aboriginal replies. . .

“Send da bill to da Gub’ment”

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March 3, 2007 - stewart from rochdaleengland

guy gets up one morning sees his wife at the stove making breakfast
she serves it up
“what the fucks this he ask’s”
“what you asked for last night”
“no you deaf cunt”
i did not say “cook my sock”

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March 3, 2007 - Stuie from Lundun

An elderly couple go to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?”

The man says, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finish, the doctor says, “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.” He thanks them for coming (!), he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, “I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?”

The old man says, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house.

“The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA.”

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March 2, 2007 - ryan

hay you who said newzelenders are better than aussie cuntz. mate atlest we dont fuck sheep. go back to little bow peep.

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February 26, 2007 - Hev from Worcs

A man is about to get married to the girl of his dreams. Just before the ceromony his father takes him aside and says ’son when i married your mother I took her to one side, I took off my trousers and told her to put them on. So she did and said they’re too big she couldn’t wear them, so I told her exactly I’m the one who wears the trousers in this relationship and thats they way its gonna stay.’
So the man goes off with this in mind and gets married. On his honeymoon he takes his new wife to one side takes off his trousers and says ‘honey put these on’ so she did and says ‘they’re too big I can’t wear them’ to which her new husband replies ‘exactly I’m the one who wears the trousers in this relationship and thats the way its gonna stay’
Not having this his wife takes her knickers off and says ‘here darling try these on’ so he does and replies ‘I can’t they’re too small I can’t get in your knickers’
‘Exactly!’ his wife says, ‘and if you don’t change your attitude you’re never gonna!’

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February 25, 2007 - JIMMER WALTON from SUNNYYEARIGHTWESTON-SUPER-MARE.ENGLAND

A DUSTMAN KNOCKS ON A JAPANESE MAN’S DOOR,
THE JAP MAN OPENS THE DOOR A SAYS”HARRO,WOT U WANT?”
DUSTMAN ASKS”WHERE’S UR BIN?”
!I BIN ON THE LOO”SAYS JAP MAN
“NO MATE,WHERE’S YA DUSTBIN?”
“I DUSTBIN ON THE LOO”SAYS JAP MAN
“NO NO MATE WHERE’S UR WHEELIE BIN?”
“HOKAY,I WHEELIE BIN HAVIN A WANK!!”

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February 25, 2007 - JIMMER WALTON from WESTON-SUPER-MARE.ENGLAND

IF GOD MADE THE FRONT OF A WOMANS BODY,WHO MADE THE BACK?….THE COUNCIL..BECAUSE WHO ELSE WOULD PUT A SHIT HOLE NEXT TO THE PLAY AREA!!!

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February 24, 2007 - 7 from newzealand

new zealanderz are beta than auzzie cuntz

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February 22, 2007 - dizionario from www.abkorto.org/dizionario

Nice site you have!

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February 22, 2007 - paul from Cogenhoe,Northampton

Tiger Woods Pulls into a garage in his BMW, he fills up and then goes into pay. the woman not knowing who he his, she tells him
how much to pay. he then reaches in his pocket and pulls out a handful of stuff, the woman says what are, tiger tees. not knowing anything about golf she replies what are they for, tiger replies i rest my balls on them and then drive off! the woman replies
BMW thinks of everyting these days

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February 21, 2007 - stewart from rochdaleengland

GOT THE WOMAN I LOVE A BASQUE,STOCKINGS & SUSPENDERS FOR VALENTINES DAY
GOT THE WIFE A BOX OF CHOCLATES

GOT THE WIFE A NEW BELT AND BAG FOR VALENTINES
HOOVER WORKS GREAT NOW

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February 17, 2007 - jamie from newcastleuk

bloke walks past a shop and sees a poster in the window saying PIES 50P WANKS £1, so he goes in and sees the most gorgeous sexy women behind the counter so he walks up to her and says “excuse me love are you the lady giving wanks for a quid” she replies “yeah thats me” bloke says ” well wash ya fucking hands i want a pie”

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February 13, 2007 - John Lloyd from Mid-Kent,SEEngland

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle, named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he’s lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep shit now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!” says the leopard, “That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!”

Meanwhile a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says loudly, “Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”

Moral of this story….

Don’t mess with old farts…age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! This type of brilliance only comes with age and experience.

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February 12, 2007 - dylan kenny from mossamQLD

wat do u say when u c a T.V footing in the middel of the night

drop niger

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February 7, 2007 - tonyblur from UK

DID U HEAR ABOUT THE BLOKE WHO TOOK A COACH FULL OF BLIND KIDS TO BLACKPOOL BEACH HE LED THEM ALL ON TO THE SAND AND GIVE THEM A FOOTBALL WITH A BELL IN TO CHASE AND RETREATED TO THE COACH FOR A NAP.AFTER HALF AN HOUR THERE WAS A KNOCK ON THE COACH DOOR AND ABLOKE SAID ARE THEY YOUR KIDS ON BEACH .DRIVER SAID YEAH WHY. BLOKE SAID CAUSE THEYRE KICKING FUCK OUT ME DONCKEY

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February 7, 2007 - tonyblur from uk

when george foreman brought his grill out he said it was that good he put his name on it.simon weston has just brought one out he said it waS THAT GOOD HE PUT HIS FACE ON IT

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February 1, 2007 - sarah jane from laois,ireland

i wish i could floss with your pubic hair!!!!!!

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January 29, 2007 - karen from victoria

What happens when a penquin farts?
It makes ice blocks

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January 29, 2007 - ryan

whos heard of an aussie kiss ???
similar to a french kiss only down under

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January 29, 2007 - Ryan

How many newzelenders dose it take to change a light bulb.
none its better to fuck a sheep in the dark

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January 29, 2007 - stewart from england

went down to the ship wreck in devon
my mate opened a container and got a new bmw
i opened one and thirty pakis fell out

went to the church fete to do a bit for charity
there was allredy a stall selling bits of old junk
so i tied a coon to a post sold rocks and stones
and called it brick-a-black

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January 26, 2007 - Benny from CentralQueensland

If a man says something in the woods … and there is no woman around to hear it ..

Is he still wrong?

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January 26, 2007 - Benny from CentralQueensland

Two lads sitting at the bar. One bloke says,
“hey, your round!”
The other lad spins around and says,
“yeah? So are you, you fat fuck!”

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January 25, 2007 - madmax from kidderminster

Two old drunks were drinking in the pub together, when the first one says:

“You know, Mick, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with
both hands. When I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried
really hard.

By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I’m 60
next week and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand.”

“So,” says the second drunk, “What’s your point?”

“The point is, I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m going to get.”

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January 25, 2007 - madmax from kidderminster

One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub.
He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in
the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake,
surprising a woman sitting on the can.
“This is for ladies!” she screamed!!
The drunk waved his dick at her and said,
“What’s the problem? So is this!”

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January 25, 2007 - William Mcleod from London

wots the difference between a womans bumhole and a 9 volt batterie? you know its bad but you still put your tounge on it

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January 25, 2007 - Lucas

How does a hillbilly know if his wife has been cheating? He can taste it on his son’s dick

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January 25, 2007 - Tom J from Bournemouth

If a motorcyclist runs over your wife, who’s in the wrong?
The Motorscyclist, he should have been riding through your kitchen in the first place!

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January 24, 2007 - GREG from Sunderland

Went to the supermarket the other day and I thought i saw your name on a Loaf of Bread, Then I realized it said “Thick CUT”

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January 22, 2007 - isac hunt from Blackburn,UK

The BNP have joined in the calebrity Big Brother rece debate,
Spokesman for the party said” we think it’s disgusting that shilpa has been singled out, surely that black cunt Jermain Jackson should get some abuse!”

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January 22, 2007 - nigel from South-Africa

there was these two newly weds on their honeymoon and it was there first night together…. the husband removed his shoes and the wife looked at his feet and said what happened and the husband said that when he was a child he had toesillitis… the wife said don’t you mean tonsillitis. NO! toesillitis.. he then removed his trousers and she looks at his knees and he says,when a was a child i had kneesles and his wife said don’t you mean measles and he said NO! kneesles.. he then removed his underpants and she said let me guess smallcocks

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January 19, 2007 - steve from Adelaide

Local radio station, has competition for trip to bali if you can give a commonly used word that isnt in the Oxford dictionary……
First caller says” Goan” DJ looks up word in dictionary and says OK , “Can you put the word in a sentance to win the trip to Bali
Caller says” Goan fuck yourself” DJ then hangs up on him.
More callers come in but no one has a word.
Kev then rings up and says” Smee” DJ looks in dictionary and says “OK” can you put word into a sentance for your prize.
Kev says” Smee again Goan fuck yourself”

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January 18, 2007 - Tony from Lichfield,UK

After a nice evening out Reg takes his girlfiend, Berlinda, to her house and they have a nice kiss and cuddle at her door. After a while Reg is feeling very randy and says ” How about giving me a blow job”
Belinda is horrified and says ” No way. My parents might see us”.
“No one will see us at this time of night”.
“But they might hear us”
“Aw come one, Give me a blow job, I priomise to be quiet.”
“No. I’m sorrry but it’s far too risky”
“Please, I’ll do anything to you that you want. You know that I love you”
“I love you too, but I can’t”
Oh yes you can, Please. Please”
“No. I can’t”
I’m begging you….”
Just then the porch lights come on and Belinda’s younger sister appears in her nightclothes. “Dad days to go ahead and give him his blow job. If you don’t want to do it I will. Or if necessay Mom can come down and do it. But for Fucks sake tell him to take his hand of the intercom.”

“Aw, come one, It’s late and they’ll all be asleep”.

---

January 17, 2007 - Declan Feehan from Ireland

What’s better than winning gold at the paraplegic olympics?

Walking

---

January 16, 2007 - Daniel from australia

An aboriginal kid comes home from school and says mum mum ive got the biggest dick in grade three, is it cause im black??
Mums says: No its cause you’re 19

---

January 16, 2007 - Greg from Sunderland

Whats the difference between Saddam and a Tampax. ?
One’s a string hanging from a cunt, the other is a cunt hanging from a string.

---

January 15, 2007 - Stuart from London

It was Friday evening in Liverpool, and having just received their dole cheque, Gaz and Baz were trying to decide where to go that night.
“I know,” said Baz, “There’s a great club in town we ought to try.”
“What’s it like?” asks Gaz.
“Well, you go into the club, and up to the bar where they give you a free drink.
Then you go upstairs for a shag. Then you go back to the bar and have another free drink. After twenty minutes you go upstairs for another shag. After this, you go to the bar again and have another free drink and then go upstairs again and have another shag! After this you go downstairs, have a final drink and leave. On the way out they give you a hundred quid and you go home.”
“Wow!” said Gaz, “That sounds great. Have you been before?”
“No,” said Baz, “but my sister has.”

---

January 14, 2007 - Stuart from London

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, “Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a penis?”
She giggles and shyly replies, “Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.”

St. Peter says, “Ok, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a penis?” The girl is a little reluctant but replies, “Well once I fondled and stroked one.”

St. Peter says, “OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she
reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, “Lisa! What seems to be the rush?

The girl replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her arse in it.”

---

January 14, 2007 - Stuart from London

Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they’re all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they’ve run out of the name tags, and the babies have been
mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, “excuse me”, he said, “but don’t you think he’s likely to be mine ?” “Probably”, said
the Manc, “but one of them in there’s a scouser, and I’m takin’ no chances !!!!!”

---

January 14, 2007 - Stuart from London

Two Scousers are on holiday in South Africa, hanging out on the riverbank.
Suddenly a crocodile swims past with a blokes head in its mouth. “fookin’ ‘ell Terry, did you see that fella?”
“I did Barry - and the flash bastard’s got a LaCoste sleeping bag”

---

January 13, 2007 - Stuart from London

A chicken farmer went to a local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I also just ordered a glass of champagne!”
“What a coincidence,” the farmer says, “This is a special day for me, I’m celebrating.”
“This is a special day for me too, I’m also celebrating!” says the woman.
“What a coincidence” says the man.
As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, “What are you celebrating?”
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my doctor told me that I’m pregnant!”
“What a coincidence,” says the man.
“I’m a chicken farmer – for years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally laying fertilized eggs.”
“That’s great!” says the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”
“I used a different cock,” he replied.
The woman smiled and said, “What a coincidence”

---

January 10, 2007 - Ross from England

if your wife comes out of the kitchen to complain what have you done wrong?
made her leash too long.

---

January 9, 2007 - MICHAEL from Inverness

Wal Mart have a new line of fashion clothing just in, they are Saddam Hussein shirts. They’re a bit tight round the neck but they hang well.

---

January 8, 2007 - REX from BundabergQLD

Two NSW fleas decided to have a holiday and meet at the Gold Coast in QLD. One flea was already lazing on the beach, cozzies on and drinking XXXX beer, when the other flea finally arrived, wrapped up in a towel and shivering. The 1st flea asked why he was shivering. The 2nd flea said “I hitch-hiked up here in the mustache of a motorbike rider and froze all the way”. The 1st flea then said “Do what I do. I always find a female, climb up her legs, into her pussy hair and stay nice and warm all the way”. The next year, the same scenario. 2nd flea arrives late, rugged up in a towel and freezing. 1st flea said ” didn’t you do what I suggested?”. 2nd flea said “I did what you suggested. I was so cozy and warm and fell asleep, but when I woke up I was in the mustache of a motorbike rider”.

---

January 6, 2007 - Pete from wellingborough,uk

Elton John is to release a tribute record in memory of Saddam Hussain ……..Dangle in the Wind

---

January 6, 2007 - Daniel from PortlandVictoria

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

---

January 6, 2007 - Daniel from PortlandVictoria

What do women and rocks have in commen??
U tend to skip the flat ones

---

January 6, 2007 - Daniel from Australia

An aboriginal kid comes home from school and says mum, mum ive got the biggest dick in grade 3, is it cause im black??
Mum says; no its cause your 19

---

January 6, 2007 - Daniel from Australia

Why are coons so dam quick at running??
Cos all of the slow ones are in jail

---

January 6, 2007 - Daniel

Truckers definition of sex:
Line her up, Back her in, Lift the legs and connect ur lines, Release brekes & let her rip, Tip the load and dont sign anything & Fuck off

---

January 6, 2007 - Daniel from PortlandVictoria

“My wife is a sex object. Evertime I ask for sex, she objects.”

---

January 6, 2007 - Daniel from PortlandVictoria

Scientists have discovered a food that diminshes a womans sex drive by 90%
Its called a wedding cake

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January 6, 2007 - Daniel from PortlandVictoria

A recent study asked a group of women if their Cunt twitched after sex, 98% said fuck NO!! he just lays there scratching his balls

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January 6, 2007 - english bloke from england

what do you call an abbo with red teeth……… nightrider

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January 5, 2007 - Mark0 from nEWCASTLEuk

Why should you wrap hamsters in sellotape? So they don’t split when you fuck em.

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January 3, 2007 - megan gad

there was a red berry and a black berry and they were both walking. the black berry bangs into the red berryand the red berry shouts watch where youre going you black currant!!

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January 2, 2007 - Dan from england

there are four people on a train a white man, a black man, a blonde tart and an old women. the train goes through a tunnel ans there a huge SLAP! the train comes out the tunnel and the black man is rubbing his his face the old women thinks he tried to feel that nice young lady. the blonde tart thinks he tried to feel me but got the old women instead the white man thinks i hope theres anothoer tunnel so i slap that wog again!!!

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December 31, 2006 - johnny b from lancashire,England

Police are looking for a DYSLEXIC santa in ipswich, apparently he’s been laeving prozzies under the trees!

Whats the differance between mr kipling and the ipswich serial killer?
mr kipling puts 6 tarts in a box.

2 muslim ladies sat in the park waching their children play,
one say’s to the other “you have to enjoy them wile they’re young,they blow up so quickly”!

---

December 29, 2006 - Ben Dover from Kilby,Leicestershire

I parked my car in a disabled space today. The traffic warden called out : “Oi mate, what’s your disability?” So I replied : “Tourettes you cunt, now fuck off”.

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December 26, 2006 - josh mageeam from sunshinecoast

what do you call an abbo with a lambo? a thief ! what do you call a abbo with 2 lambos ? a fucking good thief what do you call a abbo with 3 lambos ? Friend

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December 22, 2006 - jock strap from NEWZEALAND

FATHER TAKES DAUGHTER TO DOCTOR AS SHE IS COMPLAINING OF SORES ON HER FANNY. “NOW TELL ME” THE DOCTOR SAYS “ARE YOU SEXUALLY ACTIVE?” FUCK NO INTERRUPTS THE FATHER SHE JUST LIES THERE THERE SHE JUST LIES THERE LIKE HER MOTHER

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December 22, 2006 - jim from sweden

what do you call an abbo in a falcon ? a thief ! what do you call a abbo in a merceders ? a bloody good thief
!

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December 22, 2006 - jim from sweden

How do you know that you been burgled by an abbo ? your thongs are missing and you cat is pregnant

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December 22, 2006 - ian from coffsharbour

Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.

Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball
almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.

Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?
A. An allrounder.

Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones
have over the rest of their team-mates?
A. At least they can say they’re not really English.

Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English
batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?
A. Because he was born in England.

Q. What does “Ashes” stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

Q. What’s the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English team?
A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.

---

December 21, 2006 - stewart from england

MERRY XMAS KEV sorry it’s a bit late but i had so many beutiful rich people to send greetings to that i had to leave the skint short fat fuckers until last
GREAT SHOW AT ASHTON KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK AND SEE YOU NEXT YEAR

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December 19, 2006 - jarred.h from sydney

1 day a pair of jumper leads,a bra and a smash window walks into a bar the leads walk up 3 beers thank the bartender says sorry mate i cant. so the bra walks up and says 3 beers thanks the bartender says sorry babe i cant. so the smashed window walks up and says 3 beers thanks he says sorry mate cant do that becayse ur already smashed, shes off her tits and he looks like his goin to start something

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December 16, 2006 - Radar from UK

Ipswich Rugby Club are in search of new members - they’re especially short of hookers.

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December 15, 2006 - Ben Dover from KilbyEngland

Anyone fancy a game of Rugby at the weekend? I hear that Ipswich are short of hookers!

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December 13, 2006 - Marko from NewcastleUK

3 guys in speech therapy in Dublin. Woman says “If you can say where you’re from without stuttering I’ll give you a blow job.” First fella, Shaun says “D.D.D.Dublin.”, Mick says “C.C.C.C.Cork”, Paddy says “London”, she drops to her knees and sucks his cock. As she finishes he shouts “D.D.D.Derry”

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December 12, 2006 - Damien from Australia

how do you fit 4 gay people on a chair?

you turn it upside down

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December 11, 2006 - Thorsten from Riezlern,Austria

Now they finally invited VIAGRA for women too.
It got a consistence like a gel. The Girls have to put it on their knees, so they can STAND longer in the kitchen …….

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December 10, 2006 - Holty from ChorleyENGLAND

21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas

——————————————————————————–

1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don’t undo my trousers, I’ll burst!
5. I’ve never seen a better spread!
6. I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It’s a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!
10. Don’t play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn’t expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That’s the biggest bird I’ve ever had!
19. I’m so full, I’ve been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all that and still want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.

---

December 9, 2006 - nick simms from cannockstaffs

a blond is having trouble doing a jigsaw. she says to her husband ” i cant do this jigsaw, its meant to be a tiger but i cant work it out” husband replies ” for fuck sake love put the FROSTIES back in the fuckin box!”

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December 6, 2006 - terry from ontario,canada

t’was the night before christmas and all throught the house everybody felt shitty even the mouse mom at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass i’d just settled down for a nice piece of ass when out on the lawn heard such a clatter sprung from my piece to see what was the matter then out on the lawn saw a big dick knew in a moment it must be saint nick, he came down the chimney like a bat out of hell i knew in a moment the fucker had fell he filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer he rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart the son of a bitch blew the chimney apart he swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight piss on you all and have a hell of a night

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December 5, 2006 - kellie from goodna

how do you make a pool table laugh ?
put your hands in it’s pockets and tickle it’s balls

what did one leg say to the other leg?
just between you and I somethin’ stinks

---

November 30, 2006 - Dean from Perth,WA

How do Kiwis find sheep when they’re in long grass?
Very pleasurable.

---

November 29, 2006 - Bazza from Meekatharra

A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the Bartender here?”

think about it

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November 8, 2006 - dan white from nottingham

y r indians no good at fottball?
Whenever they get a corner they build a shop on it!

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November 7, 2006 - Andy Pipkin from TheMidlandsUK

Blonde’s working the checkout in the supermarket and a bloke empties his basket:

Chicken curry meal for one
Moussaka meal for one
Spaghetti bolognese for one
Chilli con carne for one

Ever observant, the blonde asks ‘Are you single? The bloke replies ‘Yeah, what gave it away, the ready meals?’ She says ‘No, it’s just that you’re so ugly, a woman would never shag you!’

---

November 7, 2006 - Andy Pipkin from TheMidlandsUK

The middle eastern gay community are getting excited..

They’ve been waiting a while to see a well hung Iraqi!!

---

November 7, 2006 - connor and oscar from streetsomerset

there was a man on the beach he had no legs or arms three ladys came to him 1 said i bet youve never been kissed man sed no so she kissed him the 2 lady sed i bet youve never been hugged + kissed before man sed no so she hugged and kissed him the 3 lady sed i bet youve never never been fucked before man sed no well ur fucked now cos the tides coming in

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November 6, 2006 - Geoff Warby from TringHertsEngland

Woman goes to the doctors,you”ve got to help me,i want bigger tits but no operation.Doctor replies,get some tiolet paper and rub it between your tits,woman replies will it work, Doctor replies, it worked alright on your ARSE

---

November 2, 2006 - Mark from Scotland

A man goes to the doctors. The doctor asks him for a urine, stool and sperm sample . The man looks at his watch and says to the doctor, “Sorry doc I’m in a bit of a hurry, would you mind if I just leave my underpants with you?”

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October 30, 2006 - pornstar

what do hillbillies do for halloween?

pumpkin

---

October 30, 2006 - jacqueline kendall from manchester

Eskimo on holiday in Wales. Car brakes down. Welshman looks under bonnet, say’s “you’ve blown a seal “, Eskimo say’s “so what- you fuck sheep”

---

October 30, 2006 - carl fucking skippy from northfuckinghampton

Q How do you circumsise a whale.
A send down forskin divers

---

October 29, 2006 - Fatback from AlittletowncalledFUCKINZECUNTINUSABABY

There once was a man named Glass
Whose Balls were made of brass.
He sat on the urn
And felt a great burn
As lightning shot out of his ass.

Once upon a time there was a man who loved his wife so much. this man was old and gouldnt keep an erection for more than five minutes. He went on a bussiness trip to Haiti. while there he went into a shop and asked the propriteter for a gift for his wife. the man gave him a little ditty he called THE VOODOO DICK. all the man had to do was say VOODOO DICK do this and the ditty would do what ever he said. He took it home to is wife and told her how to use it then went to work. his wife looked at the VOODOO DICK and said VOODOO DICK, fuck me hard. the VOODOO DICK started fucking the woman and it was the best she had ever had. amongst the excitement she realized she forgot how to stop the VOODOO DICK. so she got into her car and headed for her husbands job. Along the way the VOODOO DICK gave her a shattering orgasm and she swerved into the other lane. she righted herself and drove on. Then she saw the blue lights. she pulled over, the VOODOO DICK still fucking her and waited. the cop came up and asked her if she had been drinking. she said No Ocifer! It was the VOODOO DICK! the cop looked at her and said VOODOO DICK my ass!

Brought to you by Embrace the REVOLUTION!

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October 25, 2006 - Mackie from dingwall

Womens Prayer
As u lay me down 2 mate,
don’t prematurely ejaculate.
but if you cum b4 i do,
i pray your tongue will c me through.

---

October 24, 2006 - Grant

2 Little terrors who had such a foul mouth that thier mother shipped them off to her mum’s.
For the first mornin’ they woke up, went down stairs to get soem brekky.

Gran: Now kiddies, what do you want for brekky?

Kid No1: Ahh, I’ll have some fucking weetbix

Gran: *Whollap* (She smacks the kid in the head

Gran: (Turns to Kid No.2) Now kiddy, take a long hard think, what do YOU want for brekky?

Kid No.2: Ahh, I don’t know, But you can bet your sweat arse it wont be them fucking weetbix!!!

---

October 24, 2006 - Andy Pipkin from TheMidlandsUK

Guy Ritchie has taken Madonna’s credit card away from her. He told her “That’s the last time you go out and spend my money on a little black number!!”

---

October 24, 2006 - Mack from UK

What goes clip clop, clip clop …. clip clop, clip clop …….BANG ! BANG!
An Amish drive-by

---

October 22, 2006 - Mick B from USA

A woman goes to a doctor, and says, “Doctor I want an operation to reduce my vagina lips.” “Oh, I don’t think so,” says the doctor. “Please,” the woman begs. “Oh all right,” sighs the doctor. “But no one can find out, not even my family” the woman insists.
The doctor agrees not to tell anyone.
After the operation, the woman finds two roses at her bedside. “Oh,” she screams, “no one was supposed to find out about my operation! “Oh, it’s okay ma’am,” says the doctor. “One rose is from me for a successful operation, and the other is from a man in the burn unit who wants thank you for his new ears.

---

October 21, 2006 - Laney from ThreeSticks

Man walks into house with a duck under his arm and says ,”See , this is the pig I’ve been fucken’ !!”
Woman says , “That’s not a pig you stupid fuckin prick !” she replies
“I was talking to the duck ” says man !!

---

October 21, 2006 - Sue Hall from StaffordEngland

An 80 year old couple were seen shagging furiously up against a fence. For 40 minutes they shagged like bastards, arms and legs going everywhere until they fell to the floor. “Christ” she said “you didn’t fuck me like that 50 years ago!” To which the old man replied “50 years ago that wasn’t a fucking electric fence.

---

October 20, 2006 - sam from southpole

what do michael jackson and ps2s have in common?
Kids turn them on

---

October 17, 2006 - Tristan Free from kalgoorlie

what does george michael and a wellington boot have in common???
they both got sucked off in a bog

---

October 17, 2006 - tristan free from kalgoorlie

why do women get thrush???
so they know what its like to live with an irritating cunt

---

October 14, 2006 - paul from staffs,england

what have richard hammond & elton john got in common?…they,ve both got skidmarks on there helmets.

---

October 14, 2006 - paul from staffengland

2 fleas on a fanny.one,s a burglar & one,s a junkie. how do you tell the differene? the burglars hiding in the bush. & the junkies sniffing crack

---

October 12, 2006 - deano from glasgow

Q. what do you call a paki that never stops laughing
A. a snigger
Q. how do you make a door scream
A. boot its knob
Q. what drives a lesbean up the wall
A. a crack in the cealing
Q.what do you call a nigger in a tree with a briefcase
A. a branch manager
what do u call a condom on the end of a pool cue
A. a safty shot.

---

October 11, 2006 - noj from ireland

I.R.A. man is at the gates of heaven and saint peter says to him “you’re definitely not gettin in here after all the fuckin shit you’ve done” I.R.A. man replies “i dont wanna get in…i’m givin ye 10 minutes to get out!

---

October 11, 2006 - Jimmy F from kilbirnie,Scotland

The pope, Prince William, David Beckham and a 6 year old boy are on a plane.
the planes about to crach and the pilots have bailed out
they search and only fine 3 parachutes between 4
prince william grabs the first and says
“as im going to be future king of britian im taking 1″
he then jumps out the plane
david beckham greams the and says
“as im idolised by millions and have a young family im taking 1″
that leaves the pope and the young boy
the pope says “as im an old man and youre so young u take the last one”
the young boy replies “its ok david beckhams away with my school bag”

---

October 11, 2006 - Jimmy F from kilbirnie,Scotland

Why did god create Jews?
So the blacks and the irish can finally take the piss out of someone

---

October 11, 2006 - Jimmy F from kilbirnie,Scotland

A girl asked me the other day if i wanted “super sex”
I replied “I’ll have the soup please”

---

October 11, 2006 - Jimmy F from kilbirnie,Scotland

A man walks in to a pub with a giraffe.
He orders 10 pints of extra strong lager
He drinks 1 the giraffe drinks the rest
The giraffe falls to the floor drunk
the bartender says to the man
“You can’t leave that lying there
The man replies “its not a lion its a giraffe”.

---

October 9, 2006 - Graeme from NewZealand

What’s the difference between Helen Clark and a Walrus?

One has really bad teeth, a deep voice and excess skin, the others a Walrus

---

October 9, 2006 - Ian Gravett from Dorking

Irishman, Aussie and a Scouser sitting at a bar when a dishevelled man walks in, they all turn round after a while the Irishman says ‘I tink dats Jeesus sittin over der’, Aussie says ‘You might be right’. Scouser says ‘Shall we buy him a pint?’ So they order a Pint of Guinness, Fosters and Bitter and the Barman takes them over. The man downs them and then walks over he asks the Irishman Did You send over the Guinness? ‘Yes I did’ he replies ‘Thanks’ and pats him on the shoulder, Irishman gets up and does a little jig and says ‘Me Arthritis it’s gone’, he turns to the Aussie ‘And did you send the Fosters? ‘Yeah’ the Aussie replied. So he pats him on the back he bends down to do up his shoelace ‘ Oh fantastic my back pains gone’. He then turns to the Scouser who pushes past a few people to get away from him. ‘What’s wrong’ he asks, the Scouser replies ‘F*** Off I’m on Disability Benefit!

---

October 8, 2006 - Jimmy F from kilbirnie,Scotland

what do you call a beutiful woman on the arm of a glasgow rangers fan?
a tattoo

---

October 8, 2006 - Jimmy F from kilbirnie,Scotland

2 muslim women walking down the street
one turns to the other and says
“do you think my bomb looks big in this”

---

October 8, 2006 - Jimmy F from kilbirnie,Scotland

Did you hear about thr Irish suicide bomber?
He had 37 succsesful missions

What do you call 100 blacks in a field buried up to there necks?
Afro turf

Baby polar says to big polar bear
“Dad am i a real polar bear”
Dad replies
“Of course you are son”
5 mins later baby polar bear says
“dad are you sure im a real polar bear?”
dad answers
“yes son why do you ask?”
Baby polar bear replies
“Coz am FUCKING FREEZING”

---

October 7, 2006 - stewart from england

grandad,father,and son are in church praying
grandad says GOD when will australia beat new zealand at rugby league,
god says 10 years
“i’ll ayabe dead by then ” says grandad
father says GOD when will australia beat new zealand at rugby union
god says 20 years
“i’ll be dead by then” says father
son says when will australia get the ashes back
god says FUCK ME I’LL BE DEAD BY THEN

---

October 6, 2006 - Shaun from Reading,UK

A very loud, mean-acting, super mega-fugly walks into Asda with her
two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.
The Asda Greeter says, “Good morning Madam and welcome to Asda …. Nice
children you’ve got there - are they twins?”
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, ” Of course they’re
fucking not, the boy is 9 and the girl is 6 . Why the hell
would you think they’re fucking twins?…….. Do they fuckin look
alike, you prick!?”
“No”, replies the greeter, “I just cannot believe that anyone would shag
you twice”

---

October 5, 2006 - Hagar the Bastard from CambridgeCity

Whats Richard Hammond & Pete Doherty got in common??
Both got there heads fucked on Top Gear

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October 4, 2006 - charlie from australia

A little boy and girl at school were having lunch in the shelter shed.
“Tommy,” she said, “I’m not eating any more chicken sandwiches.”

“Why?” he asked.

“‘Cause I’m starting to grow feathers down here,” she said, pointing to the bottom of her tummy.

“I don’t believe you,” he said. “You’ll have to show me.”

Behind the shed they went, where the inspection took place.

“You’re right,” he said. “I’ve been eating a lot of chicken also. Perhaps I’m getting feathers too.”

“Well, I’d better have a look,” she said.

After a lengthy examination, she looked up and said, “Oh, I think it’s too late for you. You’ve got the neck and giblets too.”

---

October 4, 2006 - charlie from australia

John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, “Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door.”
John says, “Well, give me some examples.”

Jill proceeds to tell him, “Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn’t for me.”

“The second way is if a man fumbles around and can’t seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn’t for me either.”

Then Jill said, “Honey, how do you unlock your door?”

John proceeds to say, “Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock.”

---

October 4, 2006 - charlie from australia

A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. “What’s the matter, dear?” she asks. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?” he asks solemnly.

“Yes, I do,” she replies.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?”

“Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for 20 years?’”

“I remember that, too,” she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today.”

---

October 1, 2006 - agrovl from australia

theres these jews in a concentration camp and every day hitler cums in 2 check if there room is clean so he walks in and sees that its not clean so he orders these 3 men out
he tells them on the other side of this wall there is going 2 be 500 naked women with there legs open when u climb that ladder and u bar up when u come down wat ur father did as a job im going 2 kill u in that way
so the 1st climbs up he see the women and bars up straight away hilter tells him cum down my son wat did ur father do as a job, so he says my father was an baker so hitler tells his men put him in the oven
the 2nd climbs the ladder he passes the wall and sees all the naked ladies, his sweating but he cant help himself so he bars up so hitler tells him cum down my son and asks him wat did ur father do as a job he replys my father was a butcher, so hitler says to his men chopp him up boys
the 3rd and last is pissing himself with laughter and hitler and his men are so confussed,so he climbs the ladder still laughing he passes the wall and bars up so hitler says 2 him cum down my son, the man is still laughing hitler ask him whats so funny the man replys my father was an lollipop maker so ur going 2 suck my dick till i DIE !!!!

---

September 30, 2006 - Adam from CoffsHarbour

so this bloke is goin down on his chick and all of the sudden feels something in his mouth, he grimaces and spits out a piece of carrot, thining nothing of it he goes back to his muff menu before spitting out a mouthful of peas, shaking his head he goes back to the task at hand before coming back with half a sausage in his mouth. He pulls it out and looks up the girl and exclaims ” thats the third bit of food I just got out of your cunt, are you sick or something?” to which she replies “nah… but the fella before you was”.

---

September 30, 2006 - cal from uk

jeremy clarkson has been caught being shagged by danny la rue..
another one of the top gear team f*ked by a dragstar

---

September 27, 2006 - Geoff Warby from TringHertsEngland

An irishman went to buy a car but only had £200. The salesman says ive got a little car around the back with no doors on.The irishman replies if it got no doors how will i get in.

---

September 27, 2006 - Geoff Warby from TringHertsEngland

What has Elton John and Mike Tyson both got in common. They have both been battered around the RING

---

September 26, 2006 - John from London

What do Elton John and Richard Hammond have in common?
They’ve both got skidmarks on their helmets!

---

September 25, 2006 - adam bailey from bracknellengland

a little girl turned up ten minutes late for school so the teacher asked, “why are you so late?” T
The little girl replied: “sorry miss my dad burned himself today”.
The teacher said, “I’m so sorry i hope its not bad,”
“Well they dont fuck about at the cremetorioum!”

---

September 24, 2006 - Ryan

Q. What do elton john and mike tyson have in common

A. They both get betten around the ring

---

September 20, 2006 - noj from ireland

whats the main cause of paedophilia?
sexy children!

---

September 20, 2006 - noj from ireland

what do vegetarian worms eat?
linda mcartney!

---

September 20, 2006 - jules from tasmania

serena and venus williams were chatting courtside.serena says,”i think dads been putting steroids in our cornflakes in the morning”.venus asks”why?” serena says “i’m growing hair in places where it shouldnt be” venus asks”like where” serena says “on my nuts”

Why do girls fart after they pee?
because they cant shake it so they blow it dry.

the teacher said to little kev,”i want you to put “difinitely” into a sentence.”little kev thought for a minute then said “miss, does a fart
have lumps in it?”
a little shocked but not unperturbed she replied “no, little kev,not to my knowledge,why do you ask?.
“well miss” said little kev,”I’ve definitely shit myself!.”

---

September 20, 2006 - Gerrit from SouthAfrica

How do you confuse a jew?

FREE PORK

---

September 20, 2006 - George Ison from England

What’s faster than a speeding bullet?

A jew with a coupon

---

September 16, 2006 - Mark Radford from kingslynn,norfolk,england

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor’s Waiting Room. As he
> approached the desk, the Receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing
> the Doctor for today?”
>
> “There’s something wrong with my dick,” he replied. The Receptionist
> became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded Doctor’s
> Room and say things like that.
>
> “Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.
>
> The Receptionist replied, “You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in
> this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong
> with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the
> Doctor in private.”
>
> The man replied, “You shouldn’t ask people things in a room full of
> others, if the answer could embarrass anyone.”
>
> The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
>
> The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”
>
> “There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.
>
> The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
> advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”
>
> “I can’t piss out of it,” the man replied.
>
> The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.

---

September 16, 2006 - Mark Radford from kingslynn,england

Q: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again

Q: What’s a mixed feeling?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car

Q What’s the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name

Q: What’s the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your vasectomy

Q: What’s the difference between a G-Spo t and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q: Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A: They spray paint X’s on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it’s worth it!

Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone

Q: What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A: They both like a tight seal

Q: What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration

Q: What is the difference between “oooooh” & “aaaaaah”?
A: About three inches

Q: Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A: For traction in the mud

Q: What’s the difference between purple and pink?
A: The grip

Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A It’s not hard

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw

Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds
Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes:

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have balls to scratch!

---

September 16, 2006 - Mark Radford from KingsLynn,England

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is
waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for
his Mom to come out. While waiting the little boy gets
bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she
sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin’s skirt.

“Get your hand out of there!” she shouts. “Don’t you
know that women have teeth down there?”

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and
thanks his lucky stars he didn’t get bitten. For the
next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all
women have teeth between their legs. When he’s 16, he
gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are
out of town, she invites him over for a little action.
After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa,
she says, “You know, you could go a little further if
you want.”

“What do you mean?” he asks.

“Well, why don’t you put your hand down there?” she
says, pointing to her crotch.

“HELL NO!” he cries, “you’ve got teeth down there!”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she responds, “there’s no such
thing as teeth down there!”

“Yes there are,” he says, “my Mom told me so.”

“No there aren’t,” she insists. “Here, look for
yourself.”

With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a
little peek. “No I’m sorry” he says. “My Mom already
told me that ALL women have teeth down there.”

“Oh for crying out loud!” she cries. She whips off her
panties, throws her legs behind her head and says,
“LOOK, I DON’T have any teeth down there.”

The boy takes a good long look and replies, “Well,
after seeing the condition of those gums, I’m not surprised!”

---

September 15, 2006 - chris from ingleburn

how many wrinkles does a cunt have

smile and ill tell ya

---

September 15, 2006 - terry from ontario.canada

a boy was walking down the street when he sees a black guy with a parrot on his shoulder .the boy ask where he get that and the parrot replied africa

---

September 15, 2006 - Paul Clark from StAlbans-UK

A chronic depressed Egyptian man finally ended his life by drowning himself in the local canal.

Police say they are not seeking anybody else, as it was almost certainly “SUEZIDE” !!

---

September 14, 2006 - ad from harlow.essexuk

A man walks into the dentist’s and after the dentist examines him, he says, “that tooth has to come out. I’m going to give you a shot of Novocain and I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
The man grabs the doc’s arm, “No way. I hate needles I’m not having any shot!” So the dentist says, “okay, we’ll have to go with the gas.”
The man replies, “absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I’m not having gas.”
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, “here,” he says. “Take this pill.”
The man asks “What is it?” The doc replies, “Viagra.”
The man looks surprised, “will that kill the pain?” he asks.
“No,” replies the dentist, “but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!”

---

September 11, 2006 - james from maunu

y did the chickn cros the playground?
to get to the other slide

---

September 8, 2006 - Tim

Did you hear about the 2 guys who stole a calander?

they both got 6 months

---

September 7, 2006 - ben

your momma so fat she use’s mt everst as a dildo
yo momma so dumb she got locked in a food mart and died of starvation
yo mommas so fat she makes free willy like a tic tac

---

September 7, 2006 - ben

Q:what happens when u put ur hand in a jar of jelly beans?
A:the black one steels your watch

Q:what do u do in the middle of the night when u see ur dvd player floating out the door?
A:say drop it niggar

Q:whats faster than an aborignal with a tv?
A:his brother with a dvd

there was a party in the northen teratory and the man who was having the party had a pool and well the party was on a croc jumped in the pool and the man said ill give any of u abo’s a million bucks if u get the croc out of me pool. so sure enough a abo came flying in and sure enough he killed the croc and got it out. then the man said shit mate looks like i owe u a million bucks the man said no u dont i just want to no the name of the cunt that pushed me in the pool…….

---

September 7, 2006 - ian wise from adelaidesouthaustralia

question: what is the favorite family game in Tasmania

answer: INCEST: it is is the only game the whole family can play

question : how do seperate brothers & sisters at school in tasmania

answer: first try a crow bar, then capsicum spray if that doesn’t work try a fire hose

question : what does a sick tasmainian girl ask her father

answer: daddy do i have to check my tempreture with your thermomertre ,
the hospital one is smaller , colder & doesn’t spray down my throat

question : how do you seperate a tasimainian father from his daughter??

answer: i have no fucking idea , but if your stupid enough to try l!!!!
please email me the answer( braile,pulse tone or a vist from the police to identify your remains not accepted)

---

September 7, 2006 - ben from australia

whats the difference between a nigger and bigfoot?
bigfoot has been sighted.

defination of a cunt- a big fat hairy beast that climbs all over your face and sucks your tounge out!!!

---

September 7, 2006 - JAMiE MCGOWAN from SCOTLAND,DRUMCHAPEL

Q: HOW DO YOU SINK AN IRISH SUBMARINE?

A: KNOCK ON THE DOOR

Q: WHAT HAPPEND TO THE IRISH GUY THT IRONED HIS CURTAINS?

A: HE FELL OUT THE WINDOW

---

September 4, 2006 - Hagar the Bastard from CambridgeCity,UK

Met a girl for coffee and she said “I came on the bus,it was OK cos I made it look like an asthma attack”

---

September 2, 2006 - Derren from Fulham,London

Man and wife on holiday in israel and wife dies. The Israeli officials approach the husband and offer their condolences. They say “We can provide a nice funeral here for her but it will cost you about £500 or should you prefer we can prepare the body and have her flown back to England but that will cost you about £15,000. The husband thinks for a bit and says I think I will have her flown home. The officials are a bit surprised and say ” Well it is your choice sir, you clearly loved your wife very much!”
The husband says” No it’s not that, it’s just that two thousand years ago a man died in your country and a few days later came back to life, I just can’t take that fucking chance!”

---

September 1, 2006 - bill cooney from BESIDENODGEINTHEYARD

WHY DO ABOS CARRY A SMALL PIECE OF SHIT IN THEIR WALLETS?…………I.D.

---

August 21, 2006 - Rob Lamb from DorsetEngland

The boss of the circus says to the clown one day, ‘The lion tamer’s broken his leg, you’re on tonight.’ The clown says, ‘I’m not going in a cage with those.’ ‘Come on,’ says the boss. ‘You’ve seen the act a hundred times - the lions do the act, you just stand there posing.’ So the clown says, ‘OK OK, but I’m doing it, not you. Just for the sake of argument, what if they come down the tunnel, they go on to the stools and one of them starts to improvise and comes off the stool and comes at me?’ Andthe boss says, ‘Well, crack the whip, they can’t bear it, he’ll go back.’ So the clown says, ‘OK OK, what if I’ve cracked the whip and he still comes at me? ‘In the left-hand pocket of the costume there’s a pistol loaded with blanks. Fire it in the air, he’ll go back, they can’t bear that.’

Then the clown says, ‘Forgive me, just hypothetically, you know - this is happening, I’m going to do it tonight - I’ve cracked the whip, he’s coming, I’ve fired the pistol, he’s coming, what do I do then?’ The boss says, ‘There is a cane chair in the cage, you’ve seen that. Jab the legs at him, they can’t bear it , he’ll go back.’ The clown is still not sure and he says, ‘OK. Iv’e cracked the whip, he’s coming, I’ve fired the gun, he’s coming, I’ve jabbed the chair at him, he’s still coming at me. What now?’ The boss says ‘Well by now, I should think, youll be against the bars of the cage. Reach behind yourself and throw a lump of shit in his face.’ The clown says, ‘Will there be shit behind me?’ ‘Will there be shit behind you??!!

---

August 21, 2006 - Jim Goscombe from England

A man walks into a bar with an emu and a cat. The barman notices that the man and the emu are each buying rounds of drinks but the cat refuses to buy a round. After a while he asks the man why he is accompanied by an emu and a stingy cat. The man replies, “I found a lamp the other day, rubbed it and a genie came out and offered me one wish”. “What did you wish for?” asks the barman. The man replies gloomily, “I asked him for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy”.

---

August 20, 2006 - Davey from northernireland

Mother Hubbard Rhyme

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cubbard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over,
Rover took over
And the bitch got a bone of her own!
——————————————
Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!
——————————————
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

---

August 19, 2006 - andy hough from england,liverpool

the manager of a local firm was startled when his secretary burst in to his office and attempted to file a complaint of sexual harassment against a man working in the same department.
“what did he do?” asked the manager.
“he said my hair smelt nice,” said the secretary.
“whats wrong with that?”
To which she replied, “hes a miget!!”

---

August 19, 2006 - andy hough from england,liverpool

a doctor walks into his office were a patient is anxiously awaiting results from a blood test “mr stirling these good news and bad whitch do u want”
bad news first
ok.. you have got 48 hours to live
whats the good
see that hot young nurse over there
yes
the one whith the tight outfit
yes
and shes got big tits
yes
well.. im fuckin her

---

August 18, 2006 - paul grinbergs from leicestershireengland

a black man with a parrot on his head goes to the doctors the doctor says come in whats the problem the parrot then replies to the doctor doctor can u help get this blackhead off my foot

---

August 18, 2006 - bradley from tasmania

what do you get when you cross a penis with a potato?
A dicktater…

---

August 15, 2006 - Jamie t from newcastleuk

2 women sat on a porch drinking wine and chatting about life in genral, when one of the womens husbands gets out of the car and walks up the path, the women says awwwww shit johns got a bunch of flowers in his hand that means i’ll be on my back with my legs open all weekend, the other women replies Why? have’nt you got a vase

JOKE OF THE MONTH SURELY !!!!!!!!!

---

August 13, 2006 - Paul Clark from StAlbans-UK

Two dyslexics in a car. One said can you smell petrol. The other said dont be a cunt i cant even smell my name!!!….

---

August 12, 2006 - Damian Gaffey from Albany,WesternAustralia

Q: What does a necropheliac and a can of beer drinker have in common?

A: They will always crack open a cold one

---

August 10, 2006 - Heinrich from sa

Since Sunday evening the whole World has been debating what Italian
Defender Marco Materazzi said to Zinedine Zidane to make the retiring
Frenchman React in the way he did. The French captain, in his last ever
professional game, thrust his head into Materazzi’s chest in Sunday’s World
Cup Final

Resulting in a red card and shame for Zidane.

Today, with the help of Italian lip-reader Arturo Belladini, we can Reveal
what drove Zidane to self destruct. Materazzi was seen to hold Zidane’s
shirt on the edge of the penalty box in extra-time at which point Zidane
said, “If you want my shirt so bad you can have it.” Materazzi responded,
“I don’t want your shirt, you m***** f***** . You’re a f****** old man.”

As they jog away Zidane is seen to laugh at this and it is unclear how He
responded as his back was to the TV camera. Materazzi then hit a volley Of
abuse, “You should’ve quit 2 years ago, you’re a f****** has-been”. “M*****
f*****! Your mum is a f****** Muslim terrorist and you are too. F*** you,
old man, f*** you. Old man, this arena is not for you anymore m*****
f*****.” Zidane carries on jogging away.

“You are only good enough for the Springboks now.” It’s at this very Point
Zidane turned and head-butted him.

---

August 4, 2006 - max from kidderminster

theres a man on the beach with no arms and legs
3 ladies come up 2 him
the 1st lady says have u ever been huged
he said no so she gives him a hug
the 2nd lady comes up 2 him and said have u ever been kissed
he said no so she gives him a kiss
the 3rd lady comes up 2 him and says have u ever been fucked
he said no she says u r now because the tides comin in

---

August 4, 2006 - tina from bromyard

whats the difference between a wedding and a funeral
1 less drunk

---

August 2, 2006 - Chris Leaman

Did you hear about the Irish SAS ? - The parachuted into Dublin zoo, shot the gorillas and released the ostriches!

---

August 2, 2006 - dylan kenny from mossmanold

Y DOES STEAVY WONDER ALWAYS SMIEL

KNOWONE HAS TOLED HIM HES BLACK

---

August 2, 2006 - Chris Leaman from SouthWales

What’s the difference between normal sex (whatever that is) and anal sex? - Normal sex makes your day, anal sex makes your (w)hole week (weak) !

---

July 28, 2006 - andy pipkin from themidlandsUK

A bloke goes to the doctor’s, concerned about the fact his knob was going orange. The doctor says”before we run any tests, we’ll try and get some background. It may be related to a reaction from your workplace, what is your job?” “Ain’t got one, I’m unemployed”, he replies. The doctor asks “may I ask what you do all day?” Bloke says “not a lot, usually just watch pornos and eat wotsits”.

---

July 28, 2006 - andy pipkin

Bloke’s been travelling for two months and arrives in a little village near Alabama USA. He walks into the saloon and is surrrounded by rednecks. He orders a whiskey and asks the barman where he can get some fun, explaining he’s been alone for so long. The barman tells him the local brothel was no longer trading, but outside there was a pen full of pigs. He’s a bit shocked at this and knocks back his drink ordering another. Four more and he leaves the bar, looks into the pen and thinks to himself, ‘well, it has been a long time’, so grabs a pig and ties a pink bow around it’s neck. He walks back into the pub with the pig proudly under his arm, and is confronted with silence. He says “what’s wrong with you lot? You do this all the time” the barman says “yeah, but never with the sheriff’s gal!”

---

July 28, 2006 - andy pipkin from themidlandsUK

An Irishman visiting London stumbles accidentally into a red light district. Hooker walks up to him and says “Would you like to sleep with me for £50?” He says “I’m not very tired at the moment but I could use the money!”

---

July 28, 2006 - andy pipkin from themidlandsUK

Paddy & Murphy talking one day and Paddy says “Murphy, I think I’m losing my hair”, Murphy says “why don’t you have a transplant?” Paddy replies “cos I’d look worse with a kidney on my head!”

---

July 28, 2006 - Kev from CoventryEngland

Osama Bin Laden was seen fucking sheep, when asked what the fuck he was doing, he replied “They’re Islams (His Lambs) and he will do what he likes”

---

July 26, 2006 - john ward from braintree

which one is the odd one out
a toaster
washing machine
fridge
woman
freezer
answer a toaster.all the others leak when they’re fucked.

---

July 26, 2006 - nunga 2 from BiloelaQLD

2 sheep walked into a bar
The barman said “fuck orf, we don’t serve you’s in here”

2 kiwi’s talkning in pub”I don’t care I ain’t shearing it with nobody!”

---

July 21, 2006 - mcphee from falkirk

wit do u call a prostatute in a wheel shair ??
park and ride

---

July 21, 2006 - pud from newzealand

have you ever noticed how woman use their car every day and dont fucken wash it,and how they wash their pussy everyday and dont fucken use it

---

July 21, 2006 - andy pipkin from TheMidlandsUK

An old couple decide to have sex for the last time before they pop their clogs. Edna’s in bed waiting for Bert to jump on and do the good stuff, when he goes over to the wardrobe, then in the chest of drawers looking puzzled. She asks him what he’s doing, to which he replies ‘looking for the condoms’. She laughs and says ‘I’m 84, you don’t need one of those, I’m not gonna get pregnant’, he says ‘I know that, but the doctor said it’s the only thing left of me that hasn’t got arthritis, I can’t get it damp!’

---

July 20, 2006 - Marcia Ricketts from Adelaide

A 75yr old man was reading an article about Viagra, his wife asked him what the hell he was reading that for. He said it sounded interesting and he might make a doctors appointment.
She laughed and asked if he would make one for her also. He asked he if she was ill. No, but if you plan on using that rusty old thing again I will need a tetnus shot.

---

July 19, 2006 - bigwood from tassie

one day there was three poofters they were standing at the funeral of there dead friend talking about what they should do with there mates ashes
the first one said we should throw in the ocean because he loved his fishing
the second one said nah lets throw him off the mountain because he loved the outdoors
the last turned around and said nah you dont know what you on a bout we should make him into a curry
the other two look at him and say a curry
yes says the first so we can feel him rip threw our asses one more time

---

July 19, 2006 - Craig from Hants,UK

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are
talking about the amount of control they have over their wives,
while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

“Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over
your wife?”

The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife
came to me on her hands and knees.”

The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they
asked. “She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a
man’.”

---

July 18, 2006 - Adam from london,england

23 people have been found glued to the platform at Belfast train station after an Irish Muslim detonated a No More Nails bomb.

---

July 17, 2006 - Mr. L from NewZealand

Q: What’s the difference between White fairytales and Black fairytales?

A: A White one begins with “once upon a time” and a Black one commences with “yo, you motherf*ckers ain’t gonna believe dis sh*t!”

---

July 13, 2006 - Bill from London

The teacher tells the class of 7 year olds “We are going to have a spelling quiz and if you spell the word correctly you will get off an hour earlier today”

Teacher: “Mary what did you do during the break?”
Mary: ” I played in the sandpit with all the other kids miss”
Teacher: “Good… spell SAND”
Mary: “S..A..N..D”
Teacher: “Well done”
Teacher: “Johnny what did you do during the break?”
Johnny: ” I played in the sandpit with all the other kids miss”
Teacher: “Good… spell PIT”
Mary: “P..I..T”
Teacher: “Well done”
She turns to the coloured kid sitting at the back of the class.
Teacher: “Frankie what did you do during the break?”
Frankie: ” I sat in the corner of the school yard and watched all the other kids playing in the sandpit miss”
Teacher: “Shame… spell RACIAL DESCRIMINATION”

---

July 12, 2006 - John from lismore

what does Osama Bin Ladden and Fred Flinstone have in commen?
“When ever they look out the window all they see is fucking Rubble”

---

July 12, 2006 - John from lismore

Who are the quickest readers in the world?
“the Americans, they can go through 110 stories in 5 seconds”

---

July 12, 2006 - andy pipkin from themidlandsuk

Teacher starts at a new school on the last day of term and says to class, “Anyone who remembers my name next term can have a special reward. My name is Mrs Franny”.
Billy thinks to himself, “I’m gonna remember her name all through the holidays and get myself a treat next term, Mrs Franny- Fanny with an R”. So all summer he replays her name in his head, “Fanny with an R, Fanny with an R”.
Next term starts, and as promised, teacher walks in and says “Right kids, remember last term, I said anyone remembering my name will get a special treat, can anyone remember?”
One lonesome hand is raised, little Billy’s. He looks proud as punch as he says “I can, and I’m ready for my treat please Mrs Crunt!”

---

July 12, 2006 - andy pipkin from themidlandsuk

Two tampax walking down the street, which one says hello?
Neither, they’re both stuck up cunts!!

---

July 11, 2006 - mark from london

This is a story with a Moral.
>
>
> On the farm lived a chicken and a donkey, both of whom loved to play
> together. One day, the two were playing when the donkey fell into a
> Bog
and
> began to sink.
>
>
> Scared for his life, the donkey ‘hee hawed’ for the chicken to go get
> the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
> Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to
> no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running
> around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Z-4 silver BMW.
>
> Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken started the beautiful
> motor car and the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he
> still had time to save his friend’s life.
>
> Back at the bog, the donkey was surprised, but happy, to see the
> chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the
> loop
of
> rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear
bumper of
> the farmer’s car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the
> aid
of
> the powerful car, rescued the donkey!
>
> Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and
> the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between
> the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
>
> A few weeks later, would you believe, the chicken fell into a mud pit,
> and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the donkey to save
his life!
>
> The donkey thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large
> puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his “thing”
> and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good
> grip, and the donkey pulled him up and out, saving his life.
>
>
>
> The moral of the story:
> When you’re hung like a donkey, you don’t need a BMW to pick up a chick.

---

July 9, 2006 - Mark doggy dawg from melbourne

Q: why do seagulls have wings?

A: so they can beat the abos to the tip!!

---

July 8, 2006 - Mark from KingsLynnEngland

HOW TO KEEP A FLAT TUMMY
A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, “What were you and dad doing?” The mother replies, “Well, your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.” “You’re wasting your time.” says the boy. “Why is that?” asked his mom, puzzled? “Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up!”

Tony Blair today announced that he is changing our emblem from the Lion and The Unicorn to
a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance. A condom
allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and
gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed.
Damn, it just doesn’t get more accurate than that!

---

July 7, 2006 - steven.dowell from mandurahW.A

what do you call a abo in a freeza ? - stiff shit

---

July 7, 2006 - steven.dowell from mandurahW.A

whats the difference between a blonde and bunnings ? - nothing, they’re both worth ten cents a screw

---

July 6, 2006 - Blairizil from whangarei

why dont you throw a stone at a maori riding a bike?
Because its probably your bike

---

July 2, 2006 - Ali from Perth

what do you get when you cross a rooster and a flea? an itchy cock!

---

June 30, 2006 - MARIGOLD from ENGLAND

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE TWO GAYS IN A PHONE BOX THEY GOT CAUGHT RINGING EACH OTHER

---

June 28, 2006 - chop chop from dilligaf

anthony mundine goes to the doctor and say” doc i have a bad problem” the doc says “what seems to be the problem” anthony say “everytime i walk past a mirror i get an erection” the doc says “well so u should ur nothing but a cunt anyway”

---

June 28, 2006 - Jay from Parkes

what do u get when u cross wendell sailor and jon hoppoate??Powderfinger

---

June 28, 2006 - Jay from Parles

whats the best thing about fingering a gypsey on her period??you get your palm red for free

---

June 27, 2006 - obrien from london

your mums so poor when i walked into your house i got on your skateboard and your mum said stop rideing the family car

---

June 27, 2006 - shaun carrigan from london

why dont pakis have football teams? because everytime they get a corner they build a shop

---

June 27, 2006 - m obrien from london

what do u call a women with no legs? dirty cunt

---

June 26, 2006 - George from Grafton

I was stuck in a huge traffic jam onthe freeway last week. There for ages.
Amancame along & said that terrorists had captrued a car up front containing John Howard, Tony Abbott & Peter Costello and were demanding$300million nransom or they would douse the car with petrol an dburn them
He said “i’m taking up a collection”
I said “ok how much is everyone giving”
He said” about five litres”

---

June 25, 2006 - nick green from englanduk

what do you do if some geeza’s got water on the brain?
Give him a tap on the head!

---

June 25, 2006 - Mark from kingslynn,england

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said “Can you please help me, I don’t know what hole I’m on.”

She told him “You are one hole behind me. I’m on 7; you’re on 6.”

He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. “I’m sorry to bother you again but I’m lost again, can you please tell me what hole I’m on.”

She told him “you are one hole behind me. I’m on 14; you are on 13.” Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. “I’m in sales.” He replied “no kidding so am I. What do you sell?

She said it’s too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she’d tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said, “I sell tampons”.

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, “You promised you wouldn’t laugh”.

He replied “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help it. I sell toilet paper.
I’m still one hole behind you.”

---

June 24, 2006 - Paul the Yorkie from York,Pommieland

Paul McCartney was being interviewed by the press. They asked him how long it would be before he went down on one knee again. “I would prefer it if you called her Heather” he replied.

---

June 24, 2006 - Mark from KingsLynn,England

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, since he sometimes could be a bit crude.

But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. “It’s a period,” reported Johnnie.

“Well I can see that,” she said. “But what is so exciting about a period.”

“Damned if I know,” said Johnnie, “but this morning my sister said she missed one….

Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the guy next door shot himself!”

---

June 24, 2006 - Mark from KingsLynn.England

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with very low intellect read their e-mails with
their hand on the mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now. It’s too late.

---

June 24, 2006 - Mark from KingsLynn,England

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her
mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed:
“I don’t have any money. But I’d do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother.”
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
“Anything?” he asked.
“Yes, yes, anything” the blonde promised.
“Well then, just follow me,” said the man as he walked towards the next
room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
“Come in and close the door,” the man said.
She did. He then said, “Now get on your knees.”
She did, “Now take down my zipper.”
She did, “Now go ahead . . . take it out . . .” he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered “Well . . . go ahead.”
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close
to er lips, tentatively said . .
“Hello. Mom, can you hear me?”

---

June 24, 2006 - Mark from KingsLynn,England

ALIENS

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.

Take us to your leader.”

The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, “I’d calm down if Iwere you”

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.

Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!”

The older alien warned his comrade saying, “You don’t want to do that! I don’t think you should make him mad.”

“Rubbish,” replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion.
A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt, crumpled mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head.

“What a ferocious creature!” exclaimed the young, fried alien. “He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?”

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, “If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don’t want to mess with him!”

---

June 22, 2006 - PK from WTF

What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

---

June 22, 2006 - PK from darwin

whats the diffrence between a dead kangaroo on the road and a dead abo on the road? the kangaroo has skid marks leading up to it

---

June 21, 2006 - Paul the Yorkie from Sameasbefore

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

“What’s all the screaming about in here? You’re scaring the customers!” he said. The drunk replied, ” I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the heck out of my bollocks.” With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, “You fucking idiot, you’re sitting on the mop bucket!”

---

June 21, 2006 - Paul the Yorkie from York,England

Male Sensitivity - Aussie Style

Three guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the
body away, Bruce says, “Someone should go and tell his wife.”

Bluey says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.”

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, “Where did you get that, Bluey?”

“Steve’s wife gave it to me,” Bluey replies.

“That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?”
“Well not exactly,” Bluey says. “When she answered the door, I said to her,’You must be Steve’s widow’. She said, ‘No, I’m not a widow.’ And I said, ‘I’ll bet you a case of Fosters you are’.”

---

June 21, 2006 - rob from tasmania

what did the two pofters do in the phone box

try ringing each other

---

June 21, 2006 - bill cooney

WHY DID THE IRA MAN GET 20YEARS FOR SHOPLIFTING? HE LIFTED HARRODS SIX INCHES OFF THE GROUND!

---

June 21, 2006 - bill cooney from wexfordireland

why do black men cry after sex? PEPPER SPRAY!

---

June 18, 2006 - morrie from sydney

there was a vampire called mabel ,whose periods were always quite stable on every full moon ,she took out a spoon ,and drank herself under the table

---

June 18, 2006 - kris from Darwin

girl decides to have sex with a virgin, so she puts an add on the internet. lots of bloke reply but the one she decides to chose is an aussie. they have aromantic dinner and go back to her hotel room. she goes to the bathroom to put on something a bit more comfortable. she come out about 10 minutes laterand he’s put all the furniture against the wall creating a huge big space in the middle. when she asked why. he replies “well its true i havn’t had sex with a women, but if its anything like fucking a kangaroo, we’re guna need all the room we can get!!

---

June 15, 2006 - Joel from Fucknuckleville

Three men are in a jail cell, discussing their crimes.
The first man asks the second man, “What are you in here for?”.
Second man says “Armed robbery”.
“What did you get?”
“12 years”.
First man to third man, “What are you in for?”
“Murder”.
“What did you get?”
“20 years”.
Third man then asks the first man, “And what are you in for?”
“Burning Abos with petrol”.
“What did you get?”
“Eight to the gallon”.

---

June 15, 2006 - Joel from Fucknuckleville

Why did the Abo take his wardrobe into his prison cell?

To give himself more hanging space.

---

June 14, 2006 - MIKE FRY from BRISBANEQUEENSLAND

What do you get if you mix Viagra and Prozac? - A guy who is ready to go but doesn’t really care where.

Why is Viagra like Disneyworld? - You have to wait an hour for a three-minute ride.

A man was prescribed Viagra by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex. The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get in from shopping. An hour before she was due home, he took the Viagra pill. But just as he was expecting her, she phoned to say that she wouldn’t be in for another two and a half hours. In a panic, he phoned the doctor. “What should I do?” he asked. “I’ve taken the pill but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home.”

“I see,” said the doctor. “It is a pity to waste it. Do you have a maid?”

“Yes.”

“Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?”

“But I don’t need Viagra with the maid.”

---

June 10, 2006 - mark welstead from clacton,england

what do u call a thousand women floating in the ocean?

the isle of dogs

---

June 9, 2006 - Brad from rosemeadow

Van Nyguen made history by becoming the first well hung asian

---

June 8, 2006 - Rexy / Brax / Kevin / Shak from Kawerau

If Weed Was The Ocean And I Was A Duck
Id Swim To The Bottom And Smoke My Way Up
But Weed Aint The Ocean And I Aint A Duck So
PASS ME THE BONG AND SHUT THE FUCK UP……

---

June 4, 2006 - Phil R from StillEngland

After the recent earthquake in Indonesia, Osama Bin Ladan receives a text from God. “Beat that yer cunt”

---

June 4, 2006 - Andy Small from Shrewsbury,England

Why do black people smell?

So the blind can hate them as well.

---

June 3, 2006 - Joel from Fucknuckleville

What do you call an Abo in a suit? The defedant!

---

June 3, 2006 - Joel from Adelaide

Why do Abo’s have one nostrel bigger than the other? One’s for unleaded, the others for super!

---

June 3, 2006 - Joel from Adelaide

Whats more deadly than a funnel web in Sydney? A Trapdoor in Singapore!!

---

June 3, 2006 - Joel from Adelaide

I hear Van Nyguen had an interview a few days before his execution. He appeared on Andrew Denton’s enough rope!!

---

June 3, 2006 - jarryd

what do you call nuts on the wall

wall nuts

what do you call nuts on your chest

chest nuts

what do you call nuts on your chin

mouth full of cock

---

June 3, 2006 - jarryd

there was a man from china he wasnt a very good climber he sliped on a rock and broke his cock and now he has a vagina

---

June 3, 2006 - jarryd

there was a young girl from japan, she tried to get on the tram, the dirty con ductor saw her and fucked her now shes pushing a pram

---

June 2, 2006 - mike fry from brisbanequeensland

1 Q: What is better than winning a medal at the
Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded in the first place.

2 Q: What’s blue and fucks old people?
A: Hypothermia

3 Q: What is the definition of “making love”?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is
fucking her.

4 Q: What’s yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhoea

5 Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it’s like to live
with an irritating cunt once in a while too.

6 Q. What’s the difference between a woman
and a sheep?
A. The sheep doesn’t get upset if you screw
her sister.

7 Q. What’s the difference between acne and
a Michael Jackson?
A. Acne usually doesn’t come on a kid’s face
until he’s at least 13 years old.

8 Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.

9 Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer
and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

10 Q. What’s the difference between mayonnaise
& semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn’t hit the back of a girl’s throat
at thirty miles an hour.

11 Q. What’s a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a
cliff in your new car.

12 Q. What’s the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own
name.

13 Q. What’s the difference between oral sex &
anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes
your hole weak.

14 Q. What’s so good about an Ethiopian
blowjob?
A. You know she’ll swallow.

15 Q. What’s the difference between a Catholic
wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake
jewelery.

16 Q. What’s the difference between a G-Spot
and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

17 Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson’s
ranch know when it is bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand…

18 Q. How do you know when it’s time to wash
dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis,
it’s not time.

19 Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it’s worth it.

20 Q. Why are women’s feet so small?
A. So they can stand closer to the stove/sink

---

June 2, 2006 - perry from seattleWashingtonusa

if I had a rooster and your had a mule, bit the feet off my rooster do you know what would happen?

You would have two feet of my cock in your ass (arse)

---

May 30, 2006 - Holty from Chorley/England

Don’t mess with Old People!

——————————————————————————–

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweller said.

The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. “I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.

Monday morning, a very pissed-off jeweller phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”

“I know,” said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?”

Don’t mess with Old People!

---

May 29, 2006 - Ryan

Why are abo’s getting stronger???…………………… coz tv’s are gettiing heavier

---

May 29, 2006 - Rexy / Brax / Kevin from Kawerau

4 Types Of Farters

PRETENDER : farts silently Then Acts Inocent.

SHY : Farts Softy They Smiles

AROGENT : Farts Loudly Then Laughs

UNLUCKEY : Tryes To Fart But Shits….

---

May 29, 2006 - Alekea from Kawerau

READ OUT LOUD ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

I YAM WEE TAA DID.
I YAM SOFA KING WEE TAA DID.
I YAM SOFA KING FIK.

FIGURE THIS OUT PASS IT ON

---

May 29, 2006 - Rexy / Brax from Kawerau

I Know A Nigger Called tim. I Like To Throw tomatoes At Him.
Tomatoes Are Soft And Dont Hurt The Skin.

But These Fuckers Do Cos there Still In the tin

---

May 26, 2006 - stuart

HOW DO YOU CONFUSE A BLIND PERSON?
MOVE ALL THE DOOR HANDLES.

HOW DO YOU REALLY CONFUSE A BLIND PERSON?
STEP ON THEIR BRAILLE BOOKS WITH GOLF SHOES.

HOW DO YOU REALLY REALLY CONFUSE A BLIND PERSON?
LEAVE THE PLUNGER IN YHE TOILET.

---

May 25, 2006 - stuart from ireland

Before computers! Memory was something you lost with age, anapplication was for employment, a programme was a tv show, a cursor used profanities,a keyboard was a piano,a web was a spiders home, a virus was the flu,a hard drive was a long roadtrip, a mouse pad was where a mouse lived and if you had a 3.5 inch floppy you hoped that no fucker ever found out

---

May 25, 2006 - stuart from ireland

Whats the difference between pride and stress? Pride is having your son as hooker for the Munster rugby team.Stress is having your daughter as hooker for the Munster team.

---

May 24, 2006 - Tommy

what does a moped and a fat chick have in common? They are both fun to ride until your mates see you

---

May 24, 2006 - Leo Bunyan from SapphireCoastNSW

Q.What dosen’t fit??
A. A dead epileptic!!!

---

May 23, 2006 - johnno from australia

a leb an abbo and a mauri are sittin in a car. who’s driving?
the policeman!!!

---

May 22, 2006 - JONATHAN from Pontyberem,SouthWales,UK

whats the difference between light and hard?
well you can sleep with a light on.

---

May 22, 2006 - Jarrad coleman

whats a hooker and a bunjy jump got in common………….they both cost a $100 and if the ruber brakes your screwed

---

May 22, 2006 - Jarrad coleman

what do u call a abo on a church……………..HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!

---

May 22, 2006 - Jarrad coleman from Australia

wot do u call a abo in a slide…….surage

---

May 22, 2006 - Tommy

A Grade 2 teacher was asking her class what their fathers did for a living:

Teacher: Mary, what does your father do for a living?
Mary: He is a dentist.

Teacher: Johnny, and what does your father do?
Johnny: He is a fireman.

Teacher: Billie, what does your father do?
Billie: My father works in an Office.

Teacher: and Tommy, what does your father do?
Tommy: My father died last year miss.
Teacher: I’m sorry to hear that Tommy. What did he do before he died?
Tommy: He just turned blue and shit on the carpet miss.

---

May 22, 2006 - Tommy

The Cork

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their
bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in
his butt.

“If you do not mind me saying,” said the second, “that cork looks very
uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?”

“I regret I cannot”, lamented the first Arab. “It is permanently stuck in
my butt.”

“I do not understand,” said the other.

The first Arab says, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an
oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an
American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out.
He said, ‘I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.’”

I said, “No shit?”

God Bless America!

---

May 22, 2006 - Tommy

WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”
HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”
WIFE: “Why not - don’t you like being married?”
HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”
WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
HUSBAND: “Okay, I’d get married again.”
WIFE: “You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”
HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house.”
WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”
WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”
HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new.”
WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
WIFE: “Would she use my golf clubs?”
HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.”
WIFE: - - - silence - -
HUSBAND: “FUCK”

---

May 22, 2006 - Tommy

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, “I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in
the world.”

Tom Thumb said, “I must be the smallest person in the world.”

Quasimodo said, “I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world.”

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy.
“It’s official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,”

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, “I am officially the
smallest person in the world.”

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and said, “Who the hell is Camilla Parker Bowles?”

---

May 22, 2006 - Tommy

A touching story

A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said, “Have you ever had a hug?”

The man said “No,” so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, “Have you ever had a kiss?”

The man said “No,” so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said “Have you ever been fucked?”

The fellow’s heart started beating faster as he replied, “No.”

She said, “You will be when the tide comes in.”

---

May 21, 2006 - matt from uk

A catholic priest, a Southern Baptist preacher, and an Muslim Imam all serve as chaplains to the students at a university. They get together two or three times a week for coffee, and to talk “shop.”

One day, one of the three makes the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. The real challenge is to preach to a bear! The three are highly competitive. One thing leads to another and they decide to experiment. They all agree to go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they come together to boast of their experiences.

Father Flannery, with his arm in sling, on crutches, and wearing various bandages, goes first.

“Well,” he says, ” I go into the woods to find me a bear. And when I find him, I begin to read from the Catechism. Well, the bear wants nothing to do with me and begins to slap me around. So I quickly grab my holy water, sprinkle it on him
and, Holy Mother of God, he becomes as gentle a lamb.

The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation,” he brags.

Reverend Billy Bob, the southern Baptist is next. He is in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory, he proclaims, “Well brothers, you know that we Baptists don’t sprinkle water, but I go out to the woods as we agreed, and I find me a bear. And I begin to read to my bear from God’s holy word.”

“But that bear wants nothing to do with me. So we begin to wrestle. We wrestle down one hill, up another, and down another until we come to a creek. So I quickly dunk him and baptize him. And just as you say, this bear becomes as gentle as a lamb. We spend the rest of the time praying and praising the Lord.”

They both look at the Imam, who is lying on a stretcher. He is in a body cast and traction with I-V tubes and monitors running in and out of him. He is so bandaged up you can hardly recognize him. In short, he is in very bad shape.

The Imam looks up with resignation and says,

“Looking back on it, I now realize that circumcision may not have been the best way to start…”

---

May 19, 2006 - dylan kenny

why does stevey wounder always smile
nobody toled him he was black

---

May 19, 2006 - sean from fromsheffield..england

a little girl in a pet shop asks the assistant “have you any fluffy wabbits”
“awwww” says the assistant “yes we do ,weve got fluffy white wabbits and weve
got fluffy brown wabbits with big lovley brown eyes, which would you like ”
to which the girl replies ” either my pet phython int fussy “

---

May 17, 2006 - dylan kenny from mossmanqld

how do you get a one handed bloned out of a tree
ask for the time

---

May 16, 2006 - Martin from Crossmaglen,Ireland

El Papa…

After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and
He doesn’t travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still
Standing on the kerb.
“Excuse me, Your Holiness”, says the driver, “Would you please take
your seat so we can leave?”
“Well to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive
at the Vatican, and I would really like to drive today”.
“I’m sorry but I cannot let you do that, I’d lose my job! What if
something
should happen?” protests the driver, wishing he had not gone to work
that morning.
“There might be something extra in it for you,” says the Pope.
Reluctantly the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the
wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when after exiting the airport,
the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105mph.
“Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!” pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
“Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my licence”, moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over & rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but
the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle & gets on his
radio.
“I need to talk to the Chief”, he says to the dispatcher. The Chief
gets on the radio & the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going at
105mph.
“So bust him” says the Chief. “I don’t think we want to do that, he’s
really important”, says the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, “All the more reason!!!”
“No I mean really important” said the cop. The Chief then asked, “Who
you got there, the Mayor?”

Cop: “Bigger”

Chief: “Governor?”

Cop: “Bigger”

Well” said the Chief. “Who is it?”

Cop: “I think it’s God !”

Chief: “What makes you think that?”

Cop: “He’s got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!!!

---

May 12, 2006 - Tommy

why do they call it a “pap smear”?………………..sounds better than a “cunt scrape”

---

May 11, 2006 - chris taylor from perth

did you hear michael jackson is in tasmania?
he heard there were 2 trapped miners

---

May 11, 2006 - chris taylor from perth

a black man goes to the doctors and says “doctor i cant stop running”.the doctor gets 2 lines out and tells him to snort it.the black guy says “whats this?cocaine?” the doctor says “no,its omo.it stops colours running”

---

May 10, 2006 - kyle gray from england

wat do you call 1 paki on the moon?
problem

wat do u call 2 pakis on the moon?
problem

wat do u call all the pakis on the moon?
probem solved

---

May 9, 2006 - Mark

Hear about the the 2 tuna backpackers?

They got stuck in Cairns

---

May 9, 2006 - Flattp from NorfolkEngland

Why dont pensioners have smear tests?
Have you ever tried opening a toasted cheese & onion toastie

---

May 5, 2006 - johnno from nsw

a little girl was in sunday school and she always fell asleep and teacher sked her a question who died on the cross for us and she didn’t even move and a little boy behind her pokes her with a pin and she screams JESUS CHRIST! and she fell back to sleep then the teacher asked another question who was the creater of earth and the little boy came to the rescue again and poked her with the pin again and she screamed GOD ALMIGHTY! and the teacher said very good then she fell back to sleep again then the teacher asked what did eve say to adam after 23rd child the little boy poked her and she YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I’LL SNAP IT OFF. the end

---

May 3, 2006 - Tommy

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, “Dat’s dem.”
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
“Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage
up dere,” says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into
Gerry’s truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000′ foot drop
and says, “Dis looks like a grand place.” He takes two birds out of the
bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom,
killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his
head and says,”Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook’n
dangerous for me!”

THERE’S MORE

The next minute, Seamus pulls up in his truck at Connor Pass.
He been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
“Hi, Paddy. Watch dis,” Seamus says. He takes a parrot from
the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as
half way down,Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus
continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks
every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says,” And I’m never trying dat parrotshooting either!”

IT IS NOT OVER YET:

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when
Sean Og appears. He’s also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper
bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. “Fook dat, lads. First dere
was Gerry with his budgie jumping,den Seamus parrotshooting
and now Sean Og and his fook’n hengliding!”

---

May 3, 2006 - Tommy

Kicking one! A child’s mind.. such a wonderful thing…….

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” said the little boy.
His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he’s a little ticked off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have milk in my cereal?” he asks. “Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick the chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussycat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?

---

May 3, 2006 - Tommy

just winding my way through my joke book folks………………hehehehehehehehehe

---

May 3, 2006 - Tommy

Kids Swearing

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. You know what?”, says the 7 year old, “I think it’s about time we start swearing.” The 4 year old nods his head in approval. “When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?” “Ok” the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. “Oh, shit mum, I guess I’ll have some Coco Pops” WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?! “I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fuckin’ arse it won’t be Coco Pops.”

---

May 3, 2006 - Tommy

Golf Ball

A man with the head the size of a golf ball walks into a Bar. He walks up to the Bar and orders a beer. The Barman obliges and the man orders another beer.
The Barman couldn’t help but notice the size of the man’s head and got curious.
“I hope you don’t mind me asking, but your head is the size of a golf ball” the Barman asks.
“Yes I know” the man replied “it’s along story.”
” I got time, I’d be interested to know how come.”
“Well, a few years back I was walking along a deserted beach when I stumbled across a bottle that had washed ashore. I picked up the bottle and removed the cork and the most beautiful Genie that you have ever seen appeared. She gave me three wishes.”
“What did you wish for” the intrigued Barman asked.
“Firstly, I wished for a Million bucks and “poof” there was a stack of cash piled up on the sand next to me.”
“What was you second wish?” asked the Barman.
“Secondly I wished for a huge mansion overlooking the beach and “poof” there was the most beautiful house you ever saw.”
“Well, what was your third wish?” asked the Barman, still very intrigued.
“Well, I looked around and as there was no one else around and she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, I asked her for a screw. She replied that it was against the Genies Act of 1033AD for her to have sex with a mortal so I asked her if she could give me a little head.”

---

May 3, 2006 - Tommy

ED ZACHARY DISEASE

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, “OK, take off all your crose.” The woman did as she was told. “Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.” Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, “OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.” As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. “Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates. ” The woman asked anxiously, “Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?” Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, “Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.

---

May 3, 2006 - Tommy

Bill and Edna

Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old. Every night, would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold Bill’s penis, and they would watch TV for an hour or so.
It wasn’t much, but it was all they had. One night Bill didn’t show up. He failed to show up for the next two nights . Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wandering about the grounds.
She confronted him and said: “Where were you these past couple of nights?”
He replied: “If you must know, I was with another woman”.
“Bastard!” she cried. “What were you doing?”.
“We do the exact same thing that you and I do,” he answered.
“Is she prettier or younger than I am?” she asked.
“Nope, she looks the same, and she is 98 years old,” Bill replied.
“Well then, what does she have that I don’t?” Edna asked.

Bill smiled slyly and said: “Parkinson’s Disease”

---

May 3, 2006 - Tommy

50th Wedding Anniversary

An old couple had just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary and were sitting back reminiscing over their time together.
Husband: you know that we have been married for 50 happy years?
Wife: yes we have dear
Husband: in all our time together, have you ever been unfaithful?
Wife: only three times dear
Husband: (shocked) really? When was that?
Wife: Remember when we first got married and you went to the Bank to borrow money to buy our first home and the Bank turned down your loan application?
Husband: yes, I remember that.
Wife: and I had to go see the Bank Manager the next day and sort it out? That was the first time.
Husband: oh really? When was the second time?
Wife: Remember when you went to see the Finance Company to borrow money to buy our first car and they turned down your loan application and I had to go to see them the next day and sort it out? That was the second time.
Husband: and when was the third time?
Wife: Remember when you retired and wanted to join the Golf Club?
Husband: yes, I remember that
Wife: and you needed 147 votes to join? That was the third time
??

---

May 3, 2006 - Tommy

Abraham and Miriam had been married for 60 years when Miriam suddenly dies. Poor old Abraham is beside himself with grief at the loss of his beloved wife.

A few days later Abraham goes down to the local newspaper office to put a death notice in the paper.

He collects the necessary forms at the desk and writes “Miriam died.”

The girl at the desk says to Abraham “you might as well take advantage of the minimum of five words. It costs the same.”

Abraham agrees and rewrites the death notice “Miriam died. Volvo for sale.”

---

May 3, 2006 - Tommy

Patches

There were two priests in a Vatican toilet using the urinals. One of
them looked over at the other one’s penis and noticed there was a Nicorette patch on it.

He turned to the other priest and said advisedly, “I believe you’re
supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.”

The other priest replied, “It’s working just fine where it is, I’m down
to two butts a day!”

---

May 3, 2006 - Tommy

A 400lb Afro American woman goes to her Doctor for a check up as she has not been feeling well lately.

The Doctor asks her to strip off all her clothes and get down on her hands and knees. She complies.

“Now crawl over near the door” asks the Doctor. She complies.
“Now crawl over near the window” asks the Doctor. She complies.
“Now crawl over against the far wall” asks the Doctor. Again the woman complies but half way across the room she stands up and asks “what has this crawling around have to do with my check up?”
“Nothing really” answers the Doctor, “it’s just that I have ordered a big black leather couch and I am wondering where I should put it.”

---

May 3, 2006 - Michael

What should you do if you see a paki drowning?

Throw in the rest of the family!

---

May 2, 2006 - Tommy

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of Gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult
to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the
problem. The gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there was no
male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their
problem, the Zoo management noticed Kevin, a big Kiwi lad, responsible
for fixing the Zoo’s machinery.
Kevin, like most Kiwis, had little sense, but seemed to be possessed
with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the Zoo
administrators thought they might have a solution. Kevin was approached with
a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
Kevin showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
over carefully. The following day, Kevin announced that he would accept
their offer, only under three conditions:
“First,” he said, “I don’t want to have to kuss er.”
“Sicondly, you must niver tull anyone about thus.”
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked
what was his third condition.
“Wull,” said Kevin, “You gotta give me another wik to come up with the
$500.”

---

May 2, 2006 - Tommy

Father O’Malley was due at an appointment in town at 10am. He looked out of his Confessional Box and saw a queue a mile long.
“Shit” he said “I’m never gonna get through this lot in time.”
He suddenly had a bright idea and ran across the road to the Synagogue to speak with Rabbi Morrie.
“Hey Morrie” he said “how about you come and help me out with confessional as I have an appointment in town at 10am and I’m not gonna get done.”
“Confessionals” gasped Rabbi Morrie, “I’ve never done them before.”
“No problem Morrie, just come and sit in for a while and I’ll show you how to do them.”
“OK” said Morrie “always happy to help out.”
Both Father O’Malley and Rabbi Morrie are sitting in the Confessional Box ready for the first “sinner.”
The first sinner is a woman.
“Forgive me Father for I have sinned.”
“What have you done my child?”
“I have committed adultery.”
“How many times?”
“Three times Father.”
“That’s not so bad, just say three Hail Marys and put $5 in the box on your way out and all will be forgiven.”
The second sinner is another woman.
“Forgive me Father for I have sinned.”
“What have you done my child?”
“I have committed adultery.”
“How many times?”
“Three times Father.”
“That’s not too bad, Just say three Hail Marys and put $5 in the box on your way out and all will be forgiven.”
Rabbi Morrie reckons he has the hang of it and tells Father O’Malley to be off and leave him to it.
Rabbi Morrie’s first sinner in yet another woman.
“Forgive me father for I have sinned” the woman says to Rabbi Morrie.
“What have you done my child?” asks rabbi Morrie.
“I have committed adultery.”
“How many times?” asks Rabbi Morrie.
“Just once” the woman replies.
“Well, go back and do it another two times” said Rabbi Morrie ” we have a special today, three for $5.”

---

May 2, 2006 - Tommy

Coal Miners

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black, totally naked men sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, matriarchal society.
“In fact,” he pointed out, “some serious art critics believe that the pink
penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, “Would you like to know what the painting is really about?”

“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the couple.

“Because I’m the guy who painted it,” he replied. “The fact is, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They’re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.”

---

May 2, 2006 - Tommy

Blondes

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She
tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
smoothly.
She says, “What’s the story?”
He replies, “Just crap in the carburettor” She
asks, “How often do I have to do that?”

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her
very nicely if
he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act
together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you
expect me to show
it to you!”

RIVER WALK
There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and
sees another
blonde on the opposite bank.
“Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?”
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back,
“You ARE on the other side.”

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde
behind the
wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and
siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and
yelled ,
“PULL OVER!”
“NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, “We were the first in space!”
The American said, “We were the first on the
moon!”
The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on
the sun!”
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook
their heads.
“You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!” said
the
Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know.
We’re going at night!”

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her
turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature.
Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls
your name,
can you hear it?”
She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two
new dogs,
and asked her what their names were
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and
one was
named Timex.
Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like
that?”
“HelOOOooo,” answered the blond. “They’re watch dogs!”

---

May 2, 2006 - Tommy

two Paki families emigrate to Australia. On arrival the fathers of the two families have a bet as to which family will be the most Australian in 12 months time. After 12 months the two fathers meet up. The first father says “my son plays Aussie Rules Football, I had a pie and sauce for lunch and I am now off to the pub to get a carton of Victoria Bitter”………….the second father says “fuck off towel head”

---

May 2, 2006 - Tommy

what is the definition of never ending love?…………Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing each other in tennis

---

May 2, 2006 - Tommy from WestAussie

what is white and hangs on a toilet wall?………….George Michael’s latest release

---

April 30, 2006 - John from Healesville,Victoria

Blonde policewoman pulls over a blonde female for speeding.

“Produce your licence to drive a motor car please, Madame”

Blonde motorist starts fumbling around in her purse, obviously not knowing what she is looking for.

“It’s a little rectangular thing about 7 cm by 5 cm with your photo on it,” says the blonde policewoman

After another minute or so the blonde motorist picks up a make-up mirror, looks at it and hands it to the copper.

The blonde policewoman looks at it and says, “Oh, sorry, I didn’t realise you were in the job too! Have a good day!”

---

April 30, 2006 - John from Healesville,Victoria

If your wife seems to be putting on weight, convince her to take a three kilometre walk every morning and night for a week. At the end of the week the fat cunt’ll be 42 kilometres away from you.

---

April 27, 2006 - adrian from uk

A woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down the
street when a masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the abdomen.Luckily, the babies were okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it’s too risky to operate.She gives birth to two healthy daughters and a son. They were fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears “What’s wrong?”asks the mother.”I was urinating and this bullet came out,” replied the daughter.The mother tells her it’s okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. “Mum,I was urinating and this bullet came out.”
Again the mother tells her not to worry and explained what happened 16years ago.
A week later, her son walked into the room in tears.
“It’s okay,” says the mother, ” I know what happened…you
were urinating, and a bullet came out.” “No,” says the
boy, “I was masturbating and I shot the dog!”

---

April 24, 2006 - Danny from Wales

Hitler walks upto Heavens gates and meets st peters, hitler says ‘ i would to get into heaven’ so st peter ask for his name and he replies hitler, st peter look at the list and says sorry your not on the list. so Hitler demands to speak to someone higher up than st peter so he goes to get jesus, and he repeats the same thing to jesus and jesus says sorry your name is not on the list, Hitler says ill tell u what if u let me in the gates of heaven i will give u my most precious thing ever the IRON CROSS so jesus goes upto god and says the hitler has offered him an iron cross if he lets him in and god replies u stupid twat u couldnt even carry the wooden cross !!!

---

April 24, 2006 - Andy Pipkin from TheMidlands,England

How do you stop a paki from drowning?
Take your foot off his head!!

---

April 23, 2006 - DeAn from QLDAUSTRALIA

Whats the difference between Thomas the Tank and Princess Diana?
- Thomas the Tank made it through the tunnel -

---

April 23, 2006 - Rexy from KawerauNZ

3 blondes In A Cafe Start Masturbating. Waitress Asks What The Hell Are You All Doing,

One Points To A Sign That Reads,

FIRST COME FIRST SERVED..

---

April 22, 2006 - Tony Paterson from Geelong,Vic

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody.
He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The Boss approached her and said: “Debra, I’ve never had to do this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.”
“Could you jack off?” she says. “I feel like shit.”

---

April 21, 2006 - john

there was a young girl from ening who had a peculea feeling she lay on her back and opend her crack and shited all over the celing

---

April 21, 2006 - ryan

jack and jill went up the hill so jack could lick jills fanny jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock coz jills a fucking tranni

---

April 19, 2006 - daniel from newcastle

there was a fly ,three inches above the water and it thought”if i go down three inches i could get a drink and cool off”and there was a fish under water and thought “if this fly goes down three inches i can eat it”and there was a bear and it thought “if this fly goes down three inches the fish will eat the fly and i can eat the fish”and there is a hunter on da uther side of da riva and thinks”if this fly goes down three inches the fish will eat the fly the bear will eat the fish and i can shoot the bear”and there is a mouse behind the hunter and thinks”if this fly goes down three inches the fish will eat it the bear will eat the fidh the hunter can shoot the bear and i can takes the hunters cheese sandwich”and a cat is behind the mouse and thinks”if this fly goes down three inches the fish will eat the fly the bear will eat the fish the hunter will shoot the bear the mouse will take the sandwich and i cah eat the mouse”so the fish goes down three inches gets eaten by the fish the bear eats the fish the hunter shoots the bear the mouse will take the sandwich and the cat jumped and missed the mouse and fell in the water and drowned.
wat is the moral of this story????
when ever a fly goes down three inches a pussy is always in danger!!!

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April 19, 2006 - Chris McCrae from Melbourne

A woman wakes up one morning feely really horny so she wakes her husband up and asks him to lick her out. “Don’t you have your period?” he asks “Yeah, but I really need a good lick”.

So they decide to do 69 - suddenly the door bell rings “Oh crap” she says “I was getting a package this morning, can you answer it sweety” “what am i going to say about the blood on my face?” he replys “Just say you were eating a jam sandwich”.

So he goes to the door and signs the parcel. As he is signing he can tell the posty is staring at his face.

“Sorry, I was eating a jam sandwich” the man says
“Actaully I was wondering about the peanut butter on your forehead”

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April 19, 2006 - Andy Pipkin from TheMidlands,England

Two queers have gone on a cruise. Second day in, they’re playing badminton on deck and Larry slips and falls over the side. Barry shouts, “Hold on, i’ll throw you a bouy”, Larry replies “I haven’t got time for that, i’m fucking drowning!!”

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April 19, 2006 - Andy Pipkin from EheMidlands,England

The paddies have been concerned over this outbreak of bird flu. They’ve got their army to bomb the canary islands!!

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April 18, 2006 - andy scott from northants,england

why do more blacks get killed in winter??
because there easier to spot!!!

why do blacks call white people honkies??
because thats the last sound they hear before getting run over!!

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April 17, 2006 - bj thomas from wanganui,nz

the other day i found out the difference between a priest and a pimple……….. a pimple doesn’t come on ya face ’till ya fifteen!!!!!

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April 14, 2006 - Michael from Inverness

A Paki is chased down the street by a gang of 15 white youths, and when they catch him they give a real good kicking. When the police arrive they asked this bloke who witnessed it why he didn’t help, and he replied “I thought a gang of 15 was more than enough”.

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April 13, 2006 - jordan reid from Ayr

there is a English man ,a paki and a scottish man in a plane and it is going down so they need to throw off some stuff so the Scottish man throws off Whiskey and the Engish man says Why did u do that cause we have hundrends at home so the paki throws off currys scottish man says why did u do that paki cause we have hundrends at home. so the Engish man throws off the paki scottish man asks why did u do that ,Engish man cause we have hundrends of them back home

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April 13, 2006 - tom from adelaide

why did the government spend $50 000 installing glass rubbish bins all over australia?

so aborigines can go window shopping.

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April 13, 2006 - richard from bordoninhampshireengland

what did jesus say to his 12 apostles as he was being nailed to the cross ? don’t touch my fucking easter eggs you cunts i will be back on monday

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April 7, 2006 - Adrian from EightAshGreenColchesterEssexUK

A Bear & A Lion & A Chicken are discussing how fierce and scary they can be . The Bear said , when I growl , all around me shake with fear. The Lion said, when I roar the whole Jungle quivers in fear. The Chicken said , thats a load of bollocks, all I have to do is Cough
and the whole world shits itself .

A Nun gets on the train, and a nigger in front of her is eating prawns. He starts spitting the heads at her, so she throws them out of the window and pulls the Cord. He says you will get fined £50 for that you silly slut. She says when I shout Rape and they smell your fingers you will get 10 years you Black Cunt.

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April 5, 2006 - Glen from shropshireengland

I have bird flu, i know its bird flu cos i’m talking a load of bollocks and i’m having trouble parking the car.

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April 4, 2006 - Paul the Yorkie from York,England

This one is for the poms who are sick of the Vauxhal car ads with the two fat kids.
” aye up George how’s the new zafira?”
” great, sat nav, overhead storage, glass roof dvd player,”
” so why the long face ?”
” fucking paki’s have moved in next door”

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March 30, 2006 - gavin from southwalesaberbeeg

jack and jill went up the hill so jack could lick jills fanny jack came down with a frown coz jills a fucking tranny

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March 30, 2006 - gavin from southwalesgb

an extremely pregnant irish girl ring her mother in a panic and says mother mother i tink me waters have broke mother says ob jesus where you ringing from she saysmother i’m ringingfrom my fanny to me fucking ancles….

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March 28, 2006 - Steve from TorpointCornwallEngland

Sheila & George were driving down a country lane, when they ran over a skunk, Sheila said is it dead,? no said George it needs to go to a vet. so they put it in the car, and Sheila said where can i put it to keep it warm? George said put it between your legs,Sheila said what about the smell? George said HOLD ITS NOSE THEN

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March 28, 2006 - rick from wollongongNSW

wats an abo with yellow teeth? CRUNCHIE..
wats an abo in ya letterbox? BLACKMAIL..

wat do u call a GAY dinosour? MEGAsawARSE..

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March 28, 2006 - rick from wollongongNSW

why did the condom go flyin across the room?
because it got pissed off..

wat did the TIT say 2 the other TIT?
fanny must be havin a party dick just drove in..

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March 28, 2006 - bernard from guernsey

what do you call a warehouse full of nuns?
virgin megastores

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March 28, 2006 - bernard jim bob from guernsey

whats the differance between a jcb and a girrafe?
ones got hydrolics and one has higher bollocks

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March 27, 2006 - Louise from Albany,WesternAustralia

What did the fly say when he flew into the windscreen of a car…
If i had the guts id do that again…….

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March 25, 2006 - stewart from england

paki gets kidnapped
kidnappers say we will give you a dice throw 1-5 and we kill you
paki says what if i throw a six
then you get another go

jack and jill are playing hide and seek
jill says if you find me you can suck my tits and fuck me
if you can’t find me i will be in the shed

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March 24, 2006 - Ray Wilkins from HighWycombe,UK

Abbo’ goes to the doctor complaining of not feeling well. The doc tells him to go home, shit and piss in a bucket for three days. Throw in some rancid fish heads and a couple of dead rats. Put a towel over your head and breath the fumes for a week.
A fortnight later the Abbo’ goes to see the doc again and says, “Hey! That cure was fantastic. I feel bloody ace now. What was wrong with me.”
“Nothing much,” says the doc, “just a touch of homesickness.”

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March 23, 2006 - quentin brennan from berowra

There are three cockaroaches going round and round inside a sugar bowl. two males and a female. The female asks the first male how to get out of the bowl.He replies, SLEEP with me tonight and i’ll tell you in the morning. she said o.k. [she’s a ho ho ho] In the morning she confronts him to find out that he has’nt the fogiest on how to escape. She askes the second cokey how to escape the bowl. He said SLEEP with me tonight and i’ll let you know in the morning. She [the ho ] said ok. In the morning she learns he’s got no idea. SO the next night the three cockies go to bed and in the morning only the two males are left in the sugar bowl…////////////HOW DID SHE GET OUT …/////////SLEEP WITH ME KEVIN BLOODY WILSON AND I”LL TELL YOU IN THE MORNING…/////////…

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March 23, 2006 - Mark from Melbourne,Australia

two peanuts are walkin down the street and one of em was assaulted!!!

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March 20, 2006 - Arbie from NewZealandin

David Copperfield is doing a Magic Show in Auckland, he asks the audience if anyone knows any magic tricks, a Maori guy puts his hand up and says ‘Yeah bro I know a good trick. David Copperfield says ok mate come up here and show us your trick. the Maori guy says I need your wife Claudia Schiffer to assist me, ok says David Copperfield, the Maori guy says ok Claudia kneel down in front of me, she does, the Maori guy says ok Claudia unzip my trousers and take out my penis, Claudia looks at David, and David tells her to do it. The Maori guy raises both hands in the air and says to the audience, I have nothing up my sleeves and nothing in my hands, then the Maori guy says, ok Claudia suck on my penis, she does. After about 5 minutes David Copperfield realises that the i guy is having him on, and he says HEY THATS NOT A TRICK, and the Maori guy says NO, BUT IT’S FUCKIN MAGIC

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March 17, 2006 - Dangler from Amsterdam

There was a young man from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
Great tufts of grass grew out of his arse
And his cock got all covered in weeds

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March 16, 2006 - Joe (blue star) from KingaroyQldAustralia

Little Joel Say’s to his father,” Dad why is it when a Cow dies it goes all stiff, and puts all legs in the air “? Hmmmm thats so the Cow God can come down from Cow Heaven and pick him up easy. The next afternoon Joel hears his dad get home from work.. ” DAD DAD…”"we neally lost mum today”! Hows that Joel? ” She was on the bed saying”" OOOOHHH GOD OOOOHH YES OOOHHH NO OOOHHHHHHH YES..! “” and she was all stiff and had her arms and legs in the air, BUT.. ! If the Milkman wasn’t holding her down she’d be gorn for sure “.

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March 15, 2006 - Alan from Cornwalluk

2 farmers talking about the best way to shag a sheep. One says “Grab ger from behind”. 2nd farmer says “Turn her on her back and do it in the missionary possition”
First farmer says “If you grab her from behind, you get deep penetration”. 2nd farmer says “If you turn her over on her back, you can give her a kiss at the same time”

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March 14, 2006 - beau boulter from brisbane

why is life like a jar of jellybeans
because no one likes the black ones.

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March 14, 2006 - Paul from Reading,UK

Ugly bloke walks into a bar with a huge grin on his face. barman says”what have you got to be so happy about looking like that?” the man says ” I live down by the railway, last night I saw a woman tied to the rails so I cut her free and we had sex all night long!”
“did you get a Blow-job?” asked the barman..”no” replied the man….”never found the head!”

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March 14, 2006 - Bill Dette from SanDiego,Ca.

A man goes to bed and starts fondling his wife…….He tries to roll her over, but she wakes up and says “Not tonight, honey. I have an ealy appointment with my Gynecologist, and I want to be fresh”………He rolls over, dejected, and thinks about it for a while. After a few minutes, he rolls back over, taps his wife on the arm, and says…….You don’t have a dental appointment tomorrow, do you?

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March 13, 2006 - gorbachomp from atwellw.a.

Q: What is purple, white and green and doesn’t know where their going?
A: A Fremantle Docker!

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March 12, 2006 - ashman from goldcoastaustralia

why is the grass greener in nz cause all the cunts are over here
what do woman and clouds have in common when they both fuck off its a nice day
mary had a little lamb she kept it in a bucket every time she let it out the kiwis tryed to fuck it
fuckin kiwis aussie aussie u the man kev

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March 12, 2006 - Daniel R from CentralCoastNSW

A man and woman are in a lift when the cable breaks. The lift is plunging downwards to certain death when the woman turns to the man and says in a sexy voice “Make me feel like a woman one last time”. The man takes off his shirt and says “O.K wash a iron this bitch”
You rock kev Come back to the coast again soon!

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March 12, 2006 - Rod from KentUK

Heard the one about the Brokeback Cowboys?

They rode into town and shot up the Sheriff!

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March 11, 2006 - Ian from TweedHeadsNSW

What’s an aboriginal’s favourite wine?

Awww……We want our land back ….. SOB SOB!

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March 11, 2006 - Liam Mac from england

There’s a man who help out all the blind children on a weekend..they had all being very good so he thought he would take them to blackpool for a few days. When they arrived it was a lovely day and the man said to the children “how about a game of football”..Every one went silent…a boy spoke up from the back “Are you bloody mad…were all blind”..”Not a problem” the man said to the kids. What ive done is tied a load of bells to the ball so all you have to do is when you hear the bells ring swing your leg and kick.
The game has being going on for about 20 minutes so the man goes to the bar at the top of the beach to get everyone some ice cream, when all of a sudden a man came running over ” OI MATE!!!” he shouted ” Are you the 1 lookin after them blind kids down there!!!” the man says “yeah i am…y”….The other man says “CUZ THERE KICKIN THE SHIT OUT OF THE DONKEYS”!!!!!

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March 11, 2006 - Neil from UK

How do you make a Cat go WOOF?

Dows it in petrol and light it.

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March 10, 2006 - Ian Brain from Colerne,England

I went to an islamic birthday party last night…………………that was the quickist game of pass the parcel i’ve ever played

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March 9, 2006 - Andy Boy from Evesham,England

Whats got a bottom at the top?

A leg

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March 9, 2006 - Ben Dover from Kilby,Leicestershire,England

First year students at medical school were recieving their first anatomy lesson with a real dead human body. They all gathered round as their Professor pulled back the white sheet.

The Professor started the class by telling them “there are two important qualities to have if you are to become a Doctor. The first is not to be disgusted by anything involving the human body”. For an example the Professor stuck his finger up the corpse’s arse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. “To overcome your disgust, you must all do the same thing” he told them.

The students were freaked out but, eventually, one by one, they all took it in turn to stick a finger in the corpse’s arse and suck it. When they had all finished, the Professor said “The other important quality is observation. I stuck my middle finger in the arse and sucked my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.”

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March 9, 2006 - Ben Dover from Kilby,LeicestershireEngland

A bull, a lion and a chicken were discussing who was the toughest. The Bull said “when I snort and bow my head, everyone in the field is worried”.

The Lion said “when I roar, everyone in the jungle is frightened”.

“That’s nothing” said the chicken “when I sneeze, the whole world shits itself”

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March 7, 2006 - ken mitchell from rockhamptonQldAu

how do you teach a girl math?add a bed,subtract her clothes,divide her legs,enter your square root,leave your solution and hope she does not multiply.

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March 7, 2006 - crystal

kev u rocl xoxo

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March 7, 2006 - annoymous from southaustralia

What do u call a blonde standing on her head?
A brunette with bad breath.
kevin bloody wilson u rock…come 2 south australia and perform!!

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March 6, 2006 - Dan from Suffolk,England

What did the black kid say when he had the shits?

HELP! I’M MELTING!!

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March 5, 2006 - jody from fromoakey,queensland,australia

How do you recognise Dolly Parton’s kids at a tea party?

By the stretch-marks ’round their mouths……..

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March 5, 2006 - jody from oakeyqueenslandaustralia

Why do Tasmanias have two heads.

because they have to talk to someone till they get to the main land. (australia)

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March 5, 2006 - Hank the Yank from USA

What if God Smoked Cannabis?
need i say more?

I was in a restraunt the other day when i overheard an elderly couple talking. the old man says REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME WE CAME HERE 40 YEARS AGO? she says YES WE SHAGGED OUT BACK AGAINST THE FENCE. LETS DO IT ONCE MORE BEFORE WE DIE. being a kind man i followed them thinking i oughta be there in case these old farts get hurt. so they went out back and the old guy pulled his shorts down and hiked her dress up. they then went at it like teenagers hot and heavy. i was amazed at how fast they were going. finally they collapsed panting. i walked up and said THAT WAS AMAZING. HOW DO YOU KEEP FIT ENOUGH TO SCREW LIKE THAT? the old man looked up at me a little pissed that i had been watching but he said WELL 40 YEARS AGO THE FUCKIN FENCE WASNT GODDAMN ELECTRIC!

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March 4, 2006 - marc gibson from dundee,scotland

what do call a judge with no thumbs ?????????????

justice fingers

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March 3, 2006 - RYAN from australia

wouldent u hate if u were in india. and due to a malfunction at birth ur brothers cock was joined to your eye brow. and every time he lookes he sees u cuming

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March 3, 2006 - ken jones from newcastle

A female school teacher in Auckland was addressing her class and said, Now Chulldren, the neshnal sport of new zilland uz rugbay end I heppen toe be en All Blecks fairn. Hairnds up all those who are All Blecks fairns. They all showed their hands except little Darby.She said Darbeee, yoe dudn’t put your hairnd up. Darby said nup, I’m a Wallabies fan. She said, yoe luvv unn New Zilland end you’re a Wallabeees fairn, how come? Darby replied, Well, me farvers a wallabies fan, me muvva’s a wallabies fan, so I’m a Wallabies fan. She got angry and said, well, if your perrents were both morons, what would yoe be? Darby replied, I’d be a fucking All Blacks fan, thats what I’d be.

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March 2, 2006 - keitho from Dublin

Whats the difference between eggs, meat and a blow-job?
You can beat eggs and meat, but you can’t beat a blow job!

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March 2, 2006 - keitho from Dublin

What’s black and white and red al over?!
Some sort of fucked - up zebra.

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March 1, 2006 - Sharleen Marshall from 5RyderCourtNarangbaQld4504

There was a little red lady collecting for the red cross.
She wen’t down a little red street and stopped at a little red house.
She knocked on the little red door and there was a little red man in the shower.
So the litle red man turned of his little red shower and put on his
little red robe and went to answer his little red door.
When he answered the little red lady said she was collecting for the red cross
and would he care to make a donation.
So the little red man reached into his robe and pulled out a five.
The little red lady said “is that all you care to donate”.
So the little red man reached back into his robe and pulled out a ten.
Once agin the little red lady said “is this alllllll you care to donate”.
So the little red man reached into his robe for the third time and as he did his robe fell down.
The little red Lady freaked out and ran across the road and got hit by a truck.
What is the moral of the story.
DONT RUN ACROSS THE ROAD WHEN THE LITTLE RED MAN IS FLASHING!

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February 28, 2006 - Ken from TewkesburyUK

Ive Just found a hooker that charges by the inch!
Obviously she’s no good to me but I thought you might like a cheap night out.

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February 27, 2006 - tiger from Cue

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
My dog is pregnant
Because of You!

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February 27, 2006 - gribbo from Kalgoorlie

Two pregnant Irish women sitting knitting jumpers, one says “I hope mine’s a boy cos’ I’ve got blue wool” the other one says “I hope mine is a spastic cos’ I just fucked the arm!”

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February 26, 2006 - Craig from HantsUK

The irish have decided to eradicate against bird flu. They’ve bombed the canary islands.

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February 26, 2006 - nitzy from rocky

wat do u call a coon wit dandriff?
laminton

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February 26, 2006 - gribbo from Kalgoorlie

Three aboriginies come out of land rite court
The first one says “I got Arnem land”
The second one says “I got Queensland”
The third one says “I beat both you cunts, I got liquorland”

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February 26, 2006 - gribbo from Kalgoorlie

Today is international day for the retarted
Please send an encouraging message to a retarted friend just as i have done for you
Just thought i’d let your retarted arse know that i dont mind being your friend
I dont care if you lick windows, forget to wear your pants, or occasionally shit yourself
I still really enjoy doing stuff with you
You get the good car parking spots right by the door
You hang in there little buddy.

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February 21, 2006 - Paul the Yorkie from Theenemaoftheuniverse

Dawn French (hefty UK comedienne) was arrested at Heathrow today after a trip to Columbia. She tripped up and fell over at customs where officials discovered about 40Ib of crack.

Never argue with an idiot, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

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February 18, 2006 - scott from edinburgh

man walks in to the doctors and sits down.
man- doctor i think ive got bird flu
doctor- why what gives u that idea
man- ive started to wear makeup,talk bollocks,and i cant seem to park the fukin car

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February 14, 2006 - nick from berks

a woman goes into the pet shop to get her kids a pet. the owner tells her i’ve got this parrot but it used to live in a brothel and it swears a lot. the woman agrees to take it and tells the owner she can control the parrots language. the woman gets the bird home and hangs the cage in the living room, the parrot looks around and says ” new home, new madam, not bad, not bad ”
A little while later the womans two daughters come home from school, the parrot looks around and says ” new home, new madam, two new sluts, not bad, not bad ”
A couple of hours later the womans husband comes home from work, the parrot looks around and say ” new home, new madam, two new sluts, new…………..
FUCK ME ERIC, LONG TIME NO SEE MATE, HOW YOU BEEN? “

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February 13, 2006 - ALAN H from NorthYorkshire

Little Billy is in school in the outback and the teacher is asking all the pupils what their fathers occupations are. The usual ones are coming out, builder, electrician, farmer, bus driver when the teacher notices that Billy is looking very sheepish and embarrassed, so she asked him what his father did for a living.
“He is an erotic dancer in a gay club” replies Billy.
“Takes his clothes off in front of men, and if the money is right he books a cheap hotel room and sleeps with them”
The teacher is flabbergasted, and gives the other children some work to be getting on with while she takes Billy outside.
“Does your father really do that Billy”? She asks.
Billy replies,
“Of course he doesn’t miss, he plays cricket for Australia, but there’s no way I’m telling that lot in there”.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me…”

A woman wins £50,000 on the lottery, and decides to treat herself to a face-lift. She books into a clinic and has the job done. On leaving she thinks, I’ll get a newspaper and see what has been happening in the world, so she goes into a newsagents and say’s “I’ll have a Daily Mirror please, and how old do you think I am?”
“Well”, said the newsagent “I would think you are about 25 or 26″.
“I’m 47″, replied the woman, really pleased with the reply.
Feeling a bit hungry, she goes into Macdonald’s, and after getting to the counter say’s “I’ll have a cheeseburger, and how old do you think I am?
The assistant looked at her and said, “I would think about 25 or 26″
“I’m 47″ replied the woman, feeling really pleased now.
At the bus stop going home, there is only an old man stood, so she said “How old do you think I am”. The old man replied, “Well I am 79 and my eyesight has gone, the only way I can tell your age is if I put my hands down your pants”.
“You are not doing that, you dirty old bastard” replied the woman, but looking around and seeing nobody about she said “Come on then, tell me how old I am”
The man puts his hands down her pants for over ten minutes, until she says “Enough, how old am I”?
The man replies “You are 47 years old”
“How do you know that”, she said
The man replied “I was stood behind you in Macdonald’s love”

A punk rocker walks into a fish and chip shop and says,
“Give me a bag of fucking chips”.
The owner said,
“That’s no way to ask for a bag of chips, let me show you how it should be done”.
They swap places, and the owner walks up to the counter and says,
“Could I have a packet of chips please”?
” Fuck off, ” said the punk rocker,
“You wouldn’t serve me”.

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February 12, 2006 - ChainGangSoldier24 from Australia,FuckNuckleVille

Jack N Jill Went Up Da Hill 2 Get Some Marijuana
Jack Got High Unzipped His Fly N Asked Jill If She Wanna
Jill Sed Yes Unzipped Her Dress N Then They Had Some Fun
Stupid Jill 4got Her Pill N Now They Have A Son.

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February 11, 2006 - Derren from Fulham,London

A woman goes into a dentists and takes her knickers off. She then climbs into the chair, puts one leg over one arm and her other leg over the other arm. The dentist turns round and with an embarrassed look informs the woman that she has made a mistake.
“Madam you need the gynaecologist, he is on the 4th floor. This is the 3rd floor and I am a dentist.”
“I know you’re a dentist” she replied “Yesterday you fitted my husband with new dentures, and today I would like you to take them out please!”

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February 8, 2006 - Richard Fillsgood from Mars

What do you call an Abo with dandruff?
A Lamington

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February 7, 2006 - Chris G from StokeonTrentUk

Black man walks into a job centre and says he’s desprate for a job the assistant replies, “Thats fortunate we have just got this in. We need a driver for a multi millionaire which includes looking after his two nympho daughters whilst on overseas trips, it comes with a salary of 200k a year” the blackman says, “your bullshiting me” the assistant replied,”you fucking started it”

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February 6, 2006 - Alan from England

wots the most upsetting sound 4 sheep living in zealand???the sound of a zip

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February 6, 2006 - Alan from England

Wots the differance between an Aussie sheep farmer & a kiwi sheep farmer.The Aussies rear em,shear em and shoot em.The kiwis rear em,shear em and fuck em.

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February 2, 2006 - Ken from TewkesburyU.K

Q. What’s the difference between an Aussie wedding and an Aussie Funeral?
A. One less drunk

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February 2, 2006 - Ken from TewkesburyU.K

Three old men are sitting around talking about their toilet habits. First one says to the others, “The best thing that could happen to me, would be to be able to have a damn good piss. I stand there for half an hour all for one little dribble then ten minutes later I have to go again.”
“I know exactly what you mean” says the second old gent, “The best thing that could happen to me, would be to have just one good bowel movement, I’ve tried everything but all I do is strain and then nothing”
The third old boy just shakes his head and says “I don’t have those problems, every morning at 6 o’clock I have a good long slash then at 6.30 sharp I crimp off a good lengh.”
“Whats your problem then” Chorus the first two
“Well” says the third, “The best thing that could happen to me, would be for me to wake up before 7 o’clock”

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February 2, 2006 - edd from belfast

paddy says to mick: can you help me with this jigsaw, its meant to be a tiger? mick says: put the fuckin frosties back in the box you thick fucker!

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February 1, 2006 - shaz from nsw

a wife arrived home from a shopping trip & was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.
just as she was about to storm out of the house, her hsband called out:

“perhaps you would like to hear how this came about?”

“i was driving home on the highway when i saw this young woman looking tired & raggard, so i bought her home & made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotton about in the fridge.

“i saw she was barefoot so i gave her your good sandals you dont wear anymore cas they went out of fashion”

“she was cold so i gave her the sweater i bought for you for your birthday, but you never wore cas the colour didnt suit you”

“i saw that her jeans were torn, so i gave her a pair of your jeans, that are perfectly good, but are too small for you now”

“& just as she was about to leave, she asked me if there was anything else you dont use anymore”

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February 1, 2006 - shaz from nsw

A 7yr old & a 4yr old are upstairs in their in bedroom.

“You know what?” says the 7yr old, “I think its about time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, ill swear first, then you swear after me, ok?”

“OK” says the 4yr old in approval.

Their mother walks into the kitchen & asks the 7yr old what he wants for breakfast.

“Oh shit mum, i guess ill have coco pops!”

WHACH, the kid’s knocked out of his chair & he runs upstairs crying.

She turns to her 4yr old & asks “What would you like for breakfast, little man?”

“I don’t know, but its not gunna be fucking coco pops!”

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February 1, 2006 - shaz from nsw

A farmer & his wife were sitting on a log ouside the pub. The farmer was watching a bull mating with a cow across from them in the paddok….

The farmer turned to his wife & says “Fuck id like to be doing what thats bull’s doing right now!”

His wife turns to him & replies “Why don’t you, its your cow!”

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January 29, 2006 - max from PerthW.A.

Little Patrick asks for a bike for xmas. His dad says “We’d get you one but our mortgage is eighty thousand and your mum has just lost her job”. Next day Patrick walked out with his suitcase packed, his dad asks ” Where ya goin son ?” Patrick replied ” I walked past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pullin out, then I heard mum tell you to wait coz she was comin too. Im not stayin here on me own with an eighty thousand mortgage and no fucken bike”.

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January 25, 2006 - Steve from Amsterdam

Man walks in a tatoo shop, and wants a 100$ bill tatooed on his dick.
The tatooist tell,s him that it,s going to hurt.
“it, all right, i like pain” the man said.
“but every time you have an erection, it will stretch and deform”
“it, all right, i like to see my money grow”
geting ready, the tatooist makes a last try.
“why do you want a 100$ bill tatooed on your dick”?
“well you see it,s like this, my wife goes out shopping a lot and spends a lot of money,
so next time she wants to blow a hundred bucks, she can do it at home

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January 24, 2006 - michelle from SandgroperCity

I had a bunch of $US dollars I needed to exchange for Aussie, so I went to
the currency exchange window at the local bank.
It was a short line.. just one guy in front of me, an Asian, who was trying
to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated.

He asked the teller, “Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla
to yen, today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?”

The teller says, “Fluctuations”

The Asian guy says, “Fluc you white guys too!”

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January 23, 2006 - Fuggit from UlverstonCumbria

Mrs Murphy went to see her Doctor to ask about going on the Birth Control Pill, “I cant Prescribe that for you Mrs Murphy, your already 7mths Pregnant !!” “You have to Doctor” said Mrs Murphy “Paddy my Husband has found another hole, and I dont want a lump like this on me back !!!”

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January 21, 2006 - Jerry from TvilleQLD

What do you do if your dishwasher breaks down?
Slap the bitch.

Why did the women cross the road?
Who gives a fuck! What’s she doing out the kitchen.

Why are womens feet smaller than mens?
So they can get closer to the kithen sink.

There was two fish in a tank. One fish turned to the other and said, “Do you know how to drive this thing”

Why aren’t the kiwi cricketers allowed to bring their wives to the game?
Cause they always run on the field and eat the grass.

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January 21, 2006 - Chuck Green from Arizona,USA

TODAY’S INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT

Some people are like Slinkies ….Not really good for anything……
But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a
flight of stairs.

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January 20, 2006 - John Hanko from Wallan,Victoria

A bloke and his missus are sitting watching TV when there’s a knock at the door. When the bloke opens it there’s his mate from 20 years ago. They did everything together, got on the piss, porked the same shielas, played cricket, played footy and everything else that close mates do. As time went by they parted but here he was 20 years later. The bloke said “mate, where ya been great to seeya, come and meet the missus”. They entered the loungeroom and the bloke said to his missus “missus this is my best mate, Best mate this is my missus” after the introductions he said to his best mate “wanna get on the piss” to which the best mate said “let’s do it”. With that the bloke said “I’ve got no piss, I’ll go and get some”. Before he left he said to his missus “You look after him, He’s the best mate I’ve ever had”. On returning from the pub with a cuppla slabs he walked into the loungeroom and no-one’s there, into the the dining room and same again, then he walks into the kitchen and there’s his best mate up to his nuts in guts with the missus. He screams out “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE”. His missus looks up and says “Well you said to look after him” and he replied “THAT’S FUCKING RIGHT, ARCH YOUR BACK AND GET HIS BALLS OFF THEM COLD FUCKING TILES”.

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January 19, 2006 - shane reid from newzealand

maori tv line up 4 august.
whos beach is it anyway?
black eye for the white guy
H#A#S#H
te-poke 90210
days of our tribes ,and
who wants 2 be a pakeha

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January 19, 2006 - Ricky Murray from Newcastle

a bloke goes to the doctors,
Bloke… doctor i feel like a curry!
Doctor… (laughs) excuse me!
Bloke… i feel like a curry
Doctor (throws the Bloke an apron)
Bloke…. what do you want me to do with that?
doctor… pop- ad-on

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January 18, 2006 - kyle from scarborough

wot happens wen u give a politition viagra
he gets taller

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January 18, 2006 - Derek Corney from UK

Two nuns are in the bath, the first nun says “Where’s the soap?”, and the second one said “Yes it does , doesen’t it”!

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January 18, 2006 - Derek Corney from UK

What begins witha C and ends with a T, HAS U and N in between, is wet on the inside but hairy on the outside

A Coconut you thick twats

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January 18, 2006 - Derek Corney from UK

Elton John has filed for a divorce already, he caught his husband having sex….behind his back!!

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January 18, 2006 - Derek Corney from UK

this woman comes home from the doctors and says to her husband “that doctor is a fuckin’ pervert, he said that i has a nice fanny”,
so the hubby screams down to the surgery,nearly takes the doctors door off its hinges and says “you bastard, you told my wife she has a nice fanny”, and the doc says “i never said that at all,what i said was your wife has acute angina”!

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January 17, 2006 - Bill R from WainfleetOntarioCanada

Military Humor

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial
flight. After they’re airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man
in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud
voice, “Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both
surgeons.”

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight
lipped smile, “Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married,
two sons, both Judges.”

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce
himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, “Master Chief Gunnery
Sergeant, United States Marines, retired. Never married, two sons,
both Admirals.
—————————————————————-
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a
muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a
red-faced colonel at the wheel.

“Your jeep stuck, sir?” asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

“Nope,” replied the colonel,

coming over and handing him the keys, “Yours is.”

—————————————————————-
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was
sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the
phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, “Yes,
General, I’ll be seeing him this afternoon and I’ll pass along
your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes,
sir.”

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young
enlisted man, he asked, “What do you want?”

“Nothing important, sir,” the airman replied, “I’m just here to hook up
your telephone.”
—————————————————————-
Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”

Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”

Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now
let’s try it again! Do you have change for a dollar?”

Soldier: “No, SIR!”
—————————————————————-
An Air Force chief master sergeant and a general were sitting in the
barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their
shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap
on their faces.

The general shouted, “Hey, don’t put that stuff on
me! My wife will think I’ve been in a whorehouse!”

The chief turned to his barber and said, “Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”
—————————————————————-

“Well,” snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, “I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave.”

“Not me, Chief!” the seaman replied. “Once I get out of the Navy, I’m never going to stand in line again!”
—————————————————————-
The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

“You ‘ave been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked sarcastically.

The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.

“Zen, you should know enough to ‘ave your passport ready for inspection.”

The American said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”

“Impossible. You Americans alwayz ‘ave to show your passports on arrival in France!”

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, “Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach in ‘44 I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.

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January 16, 2006 - Robbo from Kiwiland

Four things you never say in a gay bar.
1. Fuck me! it’s hot in here!
2. I’ll toss you for the next drink
3. Do you mind if I push your stool in?
4. Can I bum a fag?

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January 16, 2006 - dave shiell from England

A bloke walks into a pub and said “I aint got any money, but if my pals entertain you can I have pint?” Go on said the landlord, at this the bloke pulls a frog and a small piano from his pocket. From his jacket pocket he took a rat.
The rat sat at the piano and started to play the frog stood by the piano and started to sing.
One of the customers offered the bloke 100,000 dollars, this was refused so the customer raised the bid to $500,000, “O.k said the bloke and gave the customer the frog.
You are a bit of an idiot said the landlord, you could have got $1000,000 for that frog ,”don”t worry about it” said the bloke “the rat”s a ventriliquist.”

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January 15, 2006 - Mandi from Townsville,Qld

little red riding hood is skipping down the road
when she sees the big bad wolf crouched behind a log.
my what big eyes you have,
the wolf jumps up and runs away.
further down the road she sees the wolf behinda tree stump,
my what big ears you have,
the wolf runs off again,
2 miles down the road she sees him again ,
behind a road sign,
my what big teeth you have.
the wolf jumps up and screams”will you f–k off i’m trying to have a sh!t”

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January 15, 2006 - Michelle from Perth,WesternAustralia

What do you call a Smart Blonde?
A Golden Retriever

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January 14, 2006 - Wayne from Melbourne,Australia

A 13 year old boy came home happy.
His mum asked, “What did you do at school today hunny?”
“Oh i had sex with my teacher,” he said calmly.
The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room until his father got home.
When his father got home his mother said distroutly and close to tears, “Go talk to your son…he had sex with his teaher today!!!!!!!!”
His dad with a BIG grin on his face walked upstairs.
He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him.
His dad said “Son i’m so proud of you and i’m going to get you that bike you’ve always wanted.”
They go out and buy the bike and his father asked him if he wanted to ride it home and the son replied,
“Nah dad my bum is still sore.”

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January 13, 2006 - lochy

Q-what do you do when you see a one legged abbo
A-stop laughing and reload

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January 13, 2006 - Tommy from Minneapolis

A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he’s in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. He feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods, and it’s the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, “Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But to be hung like a black man is beyond me!”

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January 11, 2006 - Chris from Newcastle

After her sons recent wedding, the mother, who still has a key to her sons house, enters the premises. There she found her daughter-in-law lying naked on the lounge, doused in perfume & candles burning in the room. ‘What on earth are you doing?’ said the mother-in-law. ‘You’re naked.’ ‘No,’ said the daughter-in-law ‘I’m wearing my love dress. When my husband comes home after work & sees me in my love dress, he makes wild passionate love to me all night long.’
Not a bad idea, thought the mother-in-law.
She went home, had a long bubble bath, lit candles in the lounge, doused herself with perfume & lay naked on the sofa waiting for her husband. The door opens, he enters & to his surprise he says: ‘What on earth are you doing? You’re naked!’ ‘No,’ she said, ‘I’m wearing my love dress.’ ‘Well,’ said the husband, ‘look’s like it needs ironing! Whats for dinner?’

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January 9, 2006 - Russell from BrokenHillNSWAustralia

The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but
it was a pretty rough ride just the same. Rough enough that
the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into
their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers
were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat
pockets to good use.

When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants
unbuckled themselves, and the captain’s voice came on over the
intercom. “Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn’t it?
But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and
I’m happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip
should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today’s flight
crew, I’d like to thank you very much for your calmness and
co-operation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay
in Boston.

After a short pause and several clicks…… “Jesus Christ…
Whadda bitchin’ ride! Boy, I sure could use a cup of good strong
coffee and a blow job, right about now!”

As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to
inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the
passengers called after her, “DON’T FORGET THE COFFEE”

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January 8, 2006 - Dillon from Victoria,Australia

A man walks into a cadilac dealer, and he’s looking at some cadilac’s, and the dealer comes over and says “Are you thinking of buying a cadilac?” and he says “No, I’m buying a cadilac, I’m thinking of pussy.”

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January 8, 2006 - Bronson Hoye from GoldCoast,QLD,Australia

How Do You Know A Kiwi’s Been In You’re Fridge?
there’s luv bites on you’re leg of lamb.

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January 8, 2006 - Bronson Hoye from GOLDCOAST,QLD,AUSTRALIA

Whats The Difference between a rooster & Prostitute? - A Rooster goes cockadoodledooo the prostitute goes any cock-will-do.
Whats a woman and a cyclone have in common? - They’ll both give you a blow job and both will take your house
Whats a woman and a prawn have in common? - Brains are both full of shit but the pink bits are tasty.

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January 8, 2006 - Jaimi from QLD

A women hears her husband cussing up a storm from behind the bathroom door. She knocks and asks, Honey, what is it. Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says , ” The doctor prescibed suppositories for this stomach problem I’ve been having and no matter what i do, I just can’t get the little sicker up my ass. Evan the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me how its done, and i tell you it took him for ever to get it up there, and it hurt” “Poor baby”, says the wife. “Your probably just nervous and tence and he probably wasn’t very gentle with you. Here let me give you the suppository, I don’t mind.” Still grumbling, the husband bends over. His wife puts her left hand on his shoulder to brace him and with her right hand, quickly and easily slips the suppository up her husbands rear end. The husband lets out a bloodcurdling scream. “My God”, says the wife. “what happened? Did i hurt you? NO! Cries the man, ” but i just realised when the docter did it he had both hands on my shoulders!”

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January 6, 2006 - loopus leona from laois

why do blondes take the pill?
so they no what day of the week it is!!!!!!!!

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January 6, 2006 - alan the anus from shannonireland

why shouldn’t blondes take coffee breaks?
because its too hard to keep re-training them!!!

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January 5, 2006 - Tony from Jersey,Channelislandsuk

A couple are having trouble with thier marriage, so they go seek guidance. They see the counselor “So why don’t we start with something you’ve both got in common” the husband says “well neither of us sucks dick!”

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January 5, 2006 - Al from Uk

There was a couple who did not want their children to know when they were going to have sex, so they decided on a code of ‘’writing a letter.'’ One day, Daddy said to his daughter, ‘‘tell your mommy that Daddy wants to write a letter.'’ The girl went and told her mommy and the mom said,
‘‘the red ribbon is coming out, not now.'’ The girl went back to the daddy and told him.

One day, Mommy told her daughter to tell her daddy that she wanted to write a letter. Daddy replied, ‘’Not now. Daddy already wrote the letter by hand.

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January 4, 2006 - Tigger from Wales

An Aussie wanted to explore the jungle. He asked a local guide if there were any dangers to worry about. The guide replied, ” You should be alright, but watch out for the snakes. Especially a snake with yellow and black stripes, about 12 inches long. It’s the most dangerous snake in the world. The only way to kill it is to run your finger up it’s back, and flick it on the back of the head”. With this information, the Aussie happily strolled into the jungle. Three weeks later, the guide was visiting a village hospital, where he saw the Aussie, covered in bandages from head to foot, all he could see were his eyes and mouth. “What happened to you?” asked the guide. “Well, I was walking in the jungle, and came into a clearing, and in the undergrowth I saw it. About 12 inches long, yellow & black stripes. So I ran my finger up it’s back and flicked the bollocks of the biggest tiger you’ve seen in your life!”

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January 3, 2006 - Chris Anderson from HerneBayKent,England

A bloke is at a loose end and goes for a round of golf on his own and asks at the shop for a caddie. “Try these computerised caddies sir, they are designed to help the ameteur improve their game”.

He starts his round and sure enough following the advice he is given he cuts his round by twenty shots and thinks these caddies are the bees-knees.

A week later after telling all his mates about these caddies he goes back only to be told that they have discontinued that line as the professionals were complaining about the caddies.

“Fucking typical”, he says “anything that gives the ametuer the edge over the professionals then they bloody complain”.
“Actually Sir”, says the steward “the professionals complained that the sun was reflecting off their shells and putting them off their stroke!”
“Fucking easy he says, why don’t you paint them black or something then?”

“Well we tried that but they turned up late for woork….. things started going missing…..

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January 3, 2006 - Mark from gisborne,Australia

singapore’s changi prison has been put on high terror alert after a suspicious asian was hanging around!!
——————————————————————————————————————————————————
Van Nguyens xmas letter to mum
Dear mum,
Wont be home for christmas gonna be hanging aroung in singapore

Love van

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December 30, 2005 - Paul The Yorkie from York,England

Gary Glitter arrives home in Vietnam to discover his girlfriend is packing her bags.
“What’s going on?” he asks.
“I’m leaving”, she screams, “I have just found out you are a paedophile”.
“Bloody hell” he says, “that’s a big word for a 10 year old”

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December 28, 2005 - Dave Thomas from EastAnglia.U.K.

Bloke’s got a sore cock, after examination the doctor says “You’ve got gash.” “Whats gash?” replies the bloke. “Gonorreah, Syphillis, Aids and Herpes, Very very contagious” “Fuck me!” says the bloke, “Whats gonna happen now?” “Takin you straight in to hospital, you’ll have your own room and they’ll feed ya Cream crackers and cheese slices” explains the doc. “Thats gonna make me better doc?” “Nah mate, thats the only thing that’ll go under the fuckin’ door!”

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December 27, 2005 - Charlie from CowraNSW

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living out on a farm. Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole.

Ma says, “Why don’t you go ask the young’n down the road? He must be smart ’cause he’s a college gradjyate.”

So Pa drives down to the neighbor’s house and asks him, “Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know what to do to empty it.”

The young’n tells him, “Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it’s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.”

Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.

He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!
Off goes the first stick of dynamite … shooting the outhouse into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite … spreading poop all over the farm.
WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole…

Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, “Ma, are you all right??!!”

As she pulls up her panties she says… “Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen.”

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December 26, 2005 - zack from QLDAustralia

how do u tell if an abo has been in your house?
ur thongs are gone and ur dogs pregnant

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December 24, 2005 - phillip from elsdonbumz

MERRY CHRISTMAS READERS KEVIN BLOODY WILSON ONE MORE TIME YEAAAAA

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December 24, 2005 - phillip from poriruanz

there were two chinese people named mr and mrs wong why couldnt they have a white baby ?
because 2 wongs dont make a wite

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December 23, 2005 - Chas Couch from Windsor,England

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn’t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice “chick” he
could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.. His wife
went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear
and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate
intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she
slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed,
wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

“Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.” Then she asked, “Did you dance much?” He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.”
“You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!” she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied,
“Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad! Apparently he had the time of his life”!!!!!

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December 23, 2005 - jonny from N.Ireland

whats blue and fucks old people?

Hypothermia

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December 21, 2005 - mario from melbourneaustralia

Jack was walking down the street when he came to a ladder so far up he could not see the top.their was a Sign on the ladder saying, climb this ladder to success. he thought wow i need a bit of luck so he climbed and climbed and climbed until he reached the top, Waiting for him was a man with the biggest prick he’d ever seen. Jack said who are you? the man replied ah!! I’M CESS.

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December 21, 2005 - dan howard from sameasbefore

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Nigel, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking,dancing,eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party,the host said, “I have a 15ft man-eating Crocodile in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in. “The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Nigel in the pool!

Nigel was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Nigel was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches,doing all kinds of sh!t, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere.Both Nigel and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Nigel strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish. Nigel then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, “Well, Nigel, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.”

Nah, you all right, I don’t want it,” said Nigel.

The rich man said, “Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.How about half a million bucks then?”

“No thanks. I don’t want it,” answered Nigel.

The host said, “Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?”

Again Nigel said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, “Well Nigel, then what do you want?”

Nigel said, “I want the name of the cunt who pushed me in the Pool.

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December 21, 2005 - wayne huggins from portsmouthengland

how do you know a frenchman has been in your back yard?
your trash cans are empty and your dogs pregnant

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December 20, 2005 - James from Scotland

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident”

“OH DEAR GOD NO!” exclaims George W. Bush.

His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits weeping, head in hands. Finally the President, devastated, looks up and asks, “Exactly how many is a Brazilian?”

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December 20, 2005 - James from Golspie,Scotland

A blonde is driving along a deserted country road with fields on either side. She looks out the window and sees another blonde in the middle of a field, in a rowboat, rowing and rowing. She stops the car, rolls down the window and yells, “You know, its blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name.” Getting no reaction from the blonde in the rowboat. She creams, “If i could swim i’d come out there and punch you out.”

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December 20, 2005 - Aussie Wannabe from SomewherebewtweentheStarsandtheGutter

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.

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December 19, 2005 - josho from thorntonaustraliansw

roses r shit
violets r crap
show us ur clit
and ill come in ur lap

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December 18, 2005 - kenny from ballymena,northernireland

Gary Glitter gets home 2 find his girlfriend packing. I’m leaving, she said, i just found out you are a paedophile. Woooh! he said, that’s a big word for a 10 year old.

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December 18, 2005 - Scott from Canada

A women is crossing the street when a car comes speeding down it.The car hits the woman so hard that by the time she lands on the ground she is completely naked.A crowd starts to gather around and one conserative fellow takes off his hat and places it over her pubic mound.A drunk that saw the accident stumbles forward and pushes his way through the crowd.When he sees the woman laying on the ground completely naked but for the hat he shouts “call an ambulance, but first we have to get that guy out of there”.

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December 17, 2005 - steve from Guidepost

Q - What do you get if you cross a dirt track, a steam-roller and 500 abbo’s
A - instant tarmac.

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December 17, 2005 - Bill Schmidt from HobartTasmania

This bloke rings his mate, who owns a horse stud, to warn him a little midget with a speech impediment was on his way to buy a horse. The midget arrives and the stud owner says “You want to buy a horse?” “Yeth,” said the midget, “but I would like a lady horth”. “No worries.” said the owner, as he led in the horse. “Thath a nith looking horth.” said the midget, “Can you pick me up tho I can thee ith eyeth?” “Sure” said the owner, as he picked up the little fella. “Oh,” said the midget, “nith eyeth, can you take me down a wittle bit tho I can thee ith teeth?” So the owner lowers him a bit. “Very good, jutht wound a wittle bit tho I can thee ith earth. The owner obliges. “Now,” says the midget, ” can I thee it twat.” “You dirty little cunt,” says the owner as he shovrs his head up the horses twat, “have a good fucking look!” The little fella starts coughing and spluttering, wipes his face and says “Thorry, I thoud wefwath that, can I thee it wun awound a wittle bit?”

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December 15, 2005 - CARLA CHLAMIDIA from LIMERICK

A BLONDE AND A BRUNNETTE JUMP OFF A 100 STOREY BUILDING. WHICH ONE LANDS FIRST???
THE BRUNNETTE BECAUSE THE BLONDE STOPS TO ASK FOR DIRECTIONS!

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December 15, 2005 - lisalesbianmadden from ballysimonlimerick

why do blonde women have bruises round their belly buttons?
cos blonde men are stupid too!!!!!!

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December 15, 2005 - disabled diane from limerickireland

what did the blondes left leg say to the right leg?
between us we can make a lot of money!!!

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December 15, 2005 - smelly mc sweeney from limerickireland

what did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
damn!!

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December 15, 2005 - Michael J. Peretz from Perth,WA

What’s the difference between a rectum ranger and a refrigerator?
The fridge doesn’t fart when you pull the meat out!

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December 15, 2005 - jordan heaton

whats the difference between michael jackson and greyhound racing????? the greyhounds wait for the hairs to come out

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December 15, 2005 - michael from banbury,england

Man walks into the pub leans over the counter and asks the barman a question the barman replies YES, bends behind the bar, reappears and blows the mans head off ! stunned silence all around, everyone froze, after a couple if minutes the nugging started, No you ask him, no why don’t you do it, after a while one brave soul walked up to the bar. ” Barman why did you shot that man in the head”, Barman replied ” well he asked me if I had anything for a headache”.

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December 15, 2005 - Lee

Since being sentenced to the death penalty gary glitter has been asked to be cremated and his ashes out in an etch-o-sketch, that way little kids can still play with him.
They aren’t hanging tinsel in Vietnam this year, they’re hanging glitter instead

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December 13, 2005 - Michael Dingsdale from Kwinana,WesternAustralia

A skeleton walks into a pub. He makes his way over to the bartender, leans his bony arm on the bar and says “I’ll have a Swan lager and a mop thanks.”

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you’ve told her twice.

What’s 40 foot long and reeks of stale urine?
A conga line at the nursing home.

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December 13, 2005 - Chris from Portsmouth,England

A reecent survey conducted in the UK asked women if their cunts itched after sex. 90% said no he just rolls over and goes to sleep.

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December 13, 2005 - Chris from Portsmouth,England

Hurricane Katrina, typical female!
When she came she was warm wild & wet. When she left she took the fucking house and contents with her!

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December 13, 2005 - Chris from Portsmouth,England

Kate Moss bumps into Jeremy Clarkson on a night out. So, she said what do you do. Jeremy says I do top gear. Fucking great said Kate I’ll have 4 grams please.

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December 13, 2005 - Trev from BarnardcastleEngland

Black family flying home from usa when pilot comes on tanoy “we have a problem and wer’e losing height so wer’e going to have to start throwing people off,to make it fair we will do it alphabetically starting with africans,blacks,coons,darkies and so on”.The little boy looks up at his dad and says “thats us dad”his dad looks down at his son and says”no son,today we is niggers”.

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December 12, 2005 - robbo from westwrnaustralia

what does a gynecoligist and a pizza maker have in common? they can both smell it but cant eat it

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December 12, 2005 - kyle from cobar

there was three kids named fuckoff, shit and manners. they were riding there bikes down the street and shit falls off his bike and manners goes back to pick him up and fuck off keeps riding and then gets pulled up by the cops and they say whats your name and he says fuck off, then they say look mate whats your name and he says fuck off then they cops say wheres your manners amd fuck off says around the corner picken up shit

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December 12, 2005 - Corrie Rynberk from Warrington,England

What do you call a lebian dinosaur?

A lickalotapuss

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December 11, 2005 - Bill Schmidt from HobartTasmania

A young bloke straight out of school gets a job as a reporter for a news paper. The editor tells him for his first assignment, he wants a human intrest story from the bush, something simple. The young blokes driving through the country and spots an old farmer in a back paddock. He goes down and introduces himself, and they sit down and start talking. “Tell me,” says the young bloke, “has anything good ever happen to you on the farm?” The farmer thinks for a while and says “Year, here a while back one of me nabours sheep got out and got lost. so me and all the other nabours searched and searched and we found the sheep, and we all fucked it before we took it back.” “I can’t put that in the paoer” says the young bloke, “has anything else good happen on the farm?” The farmer thinks for a while and says “Year, here a while back one of me other nabours daughter got lost, so once again me and all the other nabours searched and searched and we found the daughter, and we all fucked her before we took her back.” “For fuck sake” says the young bloke, ” has anything bad ever happen to you on the farm?” The farmer thinks for a while and says “Year, here a while back I got lost.”

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December 11, 2005 - scott hopkins from Corseford,Glasgow

What Can A Cow Do That A Women Cant ?

Stand In A river Upto Its Tits Without Getting Its Fanny Wet.

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December 10, 2005 - steve from wolverhampton

an 18 year old lad leaves school and joins a monistary.its a nice sunny day and he decides to take a walk in the nearby park.on nearing the park gates he is approached by a lady of leasure.”£2 for a blowjob?”she says,not knowing what a blowjob is he refuses and goes on his way. a bit further on he is stopped by another lady of leasure.”£2 for a blowjob?” again he declines her offer and carries on his way.feeling a bit tired he decides to return to the monistary. again nearing the gates another prostitute comes up to our friend and also offers £2 for the same favors.back at the monistary it is still puzzeling him what blow job is.so he goes up to the mother supperior. “mother supperior”he says “whats a blowjob?”.”£2 like every one else. next time you see a mate.put your arm around him and say to him”whats the differance between a cunt and a vagina?” he is bound to say i dont know.at which point you pat him on the shoulder (with your arm that is around him) and say”you can put your arm around a cunt.

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December 10, 2005 - Shaun from Reading,UK

A teacher asks her class to use the word ‘contagious’ in a sentence.
Roland, the class swot, gets up and says,
“Last year I got the Flu and my Mum said it was contagious.”
“Well done, Roland” says the teacher.” Can anyone else try?”
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says,
“My grandma says there’s a bug going round, and it’s contagious.”
“Well done, Katie” says the teacher.
“Anyone else?”
Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says: in a broad Irish accent,
“Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says:
“it will take the contagious”.

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December 10, 2005 - paul from england

Why isnt there any phone book in China ???
‘cos theres that many Wings and that many Wongs, you dont know which Wong your Winging.

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December 10, 2005 - paul from England

A dwarf goes to the doctor and says; doctor every time it rains I get a sore fanny ! its been pouring down today so Ive come to see you straight away. The doc says; hop up on the bed and lets have a look……mmmm he says I see your problem. He gets out his scissors… snip,snip snip…how does that feel ? he says. ooOOoo thats much better doctor what have you done ?……Well Ive just cut a couple of inches off the top of your wellies.

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December 10, 2005 - Michael from Inverness

2 Muslim mothers wre watching their kids playing in a park, when one said to the other it’s nice to see them playing like this because they blow up so fast these days.

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December 10, 2005 - phil lindsay from tassie

i accidently ran over a tasmanian aborigine yesterday, now my car looks like its got whitewall tyres…………

pick up line…. hello sweet lady, ive got something stuck in my teeth, may i please use your clitoris as a toothpick ?

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December 9, 2005 - Jarrod from KatanningWA

A Man Walks In To A Bar And The Bartender Noticed That The Bloke Had A Steering Wheel In His Pants.So The Bartender Goes’Hey Mate, Whats With The Steering Wheel Down Ya Pants?’ Then The Bloke Replies ‘I Dunno But It’s Drivin’ Me Nuts!

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December 9, 2005 - James Lynch from mMackayQLD

An irishman pulls up to his local for a pint or 100 of warm beer, He sits downs orders a drink he takes a gulp when this massive truck driver burges threw the door and yells who’s ferriar is parked in his park. The irishman yells out mine,so the truck driver goes over and tells him to meet him outside so the irishman obliges. When he gets outside the truckdriver draws a circle around him and sez what ever happens don’t move outside the circle so the irishman agrees . The truckdriver grabs a baseball bat and starts to flog the ferrari. Ever time the truckdriver hits the car the irishman laughs harder and harder,so the truckdriver sez what is so funny about me flogging your car . The irishman sez that everytime you hit the car I jumped outside the circle

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December 9, 2005 - Hank the Yank from USA

This dude loves his wife a lot but unfourtunatly has a little erectile problem. So he goes to the dirty dirty store and says to the Jamacain gent working the store, I need something for my wife. I love her to death but i just cant get it up anymore. so the Jamacain pulls out of the back a huge mumified penis. he says, Heeya mon is de Voodoo Penis. You just say the words “voodoo penis” and what you want it to screw and it will do it. for example ‘VOODOO PENIS KEY HOLE!” and the thing starts fucking the keyhole on the door. so the man buys it, takes it home and tells his wife how to operate it. the next day he goes to work and she stays home. she is looking at the voodoo penis and says VOODOO PENIS MY PUSSY! and the thing starts bangin her crotch. best time of her life until she realizes that her husband forgot to tell her how to turn it off. so she get in the car and proceeds to drive to her husbands place of business. on the highway she has an earth splitting orgasm and swerves into the oncomming lane. she gets the car back into the proper lane and continues until she sees the bluelights. so she pulls over and the cop gets out of his car. she says, Is there a problem officer? he says, yes ma’am you swerved into oncoming. have you consumed any alcohol this evening ma’m? she says, no officer it was the voodoo penis. he looks at her and says Voodoo Penis my ass.

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December 8, 2005 - Chris G from StokeonTrent

Gary Glitter to be the new Dr Who with two new assistants K 9 and Stacey 11

Whats two foot tall and stands at the end of a little girls bed?
Gary Glitters Boots

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December 8, 2005 - Andy Day from NelsonNewZealand

Two Kiwi’s; a white guy and his Maori mate were travelling on a jumbo jet across the Tasman to visit Australia. It was halfway through the flight and the white guy was getting bored. He had an aisle seat and could see an Air-Hostess coming towards him so he turned to his Maori mate and said “Watch this.” To which just as the Hostess was about to pass his seat he turned toward her and inquired: “Tickle your arse with a feather?”
She stopped abruptly and angrily said “Excuse me, what did you say?” The white guy looked innocent and explained “I just said: particularly nasty weather.” The Hostess glared at the man for a second then thought better of it and glanced out the window and said: “Yes Sir, of course, you’re quite right.”
The Maori fella sitting next to him thought it was bloody hilarious and asked if they could swap seats so he could have a go. They did this and it wasn’t long before another Hostess was making her way towards them. Just as she was about to pass the Maori’s seat he turned right toward and announced in a loud voice: “Aow, stick a featha up yo’ arse!”
The Hostess stopped dead in her tracks and turned on him furiously, “What did you say.” To which the Maori replied: “Aow, it’s a fuckin’ cunt of a day eh!

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December 8, 2005 - shane from newcastle

whats the difference beetween nyguyen vans mother and shane warns mum ? mrs van got to bring home the ashes

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December 7, 2005 - Arbie from AucklandNewZealand

A duck waddles into a bar and says “Quack, quack, got any bread?” the barman says “fuck off we don’t serve ducks in here”. A hour later the duck waddles into the bar again and says “Quack, quack, got any bread?” the barman says “I told you to fuck off, we don’t serve ducks in here”. An hour later the duck waddles into the bar yet again and says “Quack, quack, got any bread?” the barman says “Look here Duck, if you ask me for bread one more time, I’m gonna nail your beak to the bar, now FUCK OFF “. An hour later the duck waddles back into bar and says “Quack, quack, got any nails?” the barman says “NO WE FUCKEN DON”T” …… The Duck says… “Quack, quack got any bread”

A man rings the vet and tells him his prize bull won’t service his cows, the vets tell him to put his hand in the cows vagina and rub it all over the bulls nose. The man does this and all of a sudden the prize bull has a raging hard on and proceeds to service all the cows. Later that night while in bed with his wife he wonders if it would work for him too as he has been impotent for the past 7 years. He sticks a few fingers into his wifes pussy and rubs it all over his nose, he then has the most terrific hard-on he has ever had in his life. He switches the light on and wakes up his wife saying “Honey, Honey wake up and look at this”, the wife turns around and says “What?…. Blood on your Nose?

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December 7, 2005 - nathan/jordan from Nelson,England

Why don’t 80 year old women have smear tests?
Have you ever tried opening a cheese toasty….

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December 6, 2005 - Fred

Whats the difference between ricky ponting and vanuens mother?
vanuens mother brout home the ashes

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December 5, 2005 - kieran whyte from Adelaide,SouthAustraliaAustralia

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises
in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year
old daughter playing with a vibrator.

“What are you doing?” Asked the mother.

“Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I’m ugly. I’ll never get
married so this is as close as I’ll ever get to a husband.” The
mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the
bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the
vibrator.

“What the hell are you doing?” He asked.

His daughter replied, “I already told Mom. I’m 40 years old now
and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I’ll
ever get to a husband.”

The father walked out of the room shaking his head.

The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a
beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching the
football game on TV.

“What on earth are you doing?” she cried.

The husband replied, “What does it look like I’m doing? I’m
having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!!”

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December 5, 2005 - Gina Price from Birmingham,UKEngland

Mary and Joe who have been married for 60 yrs are sitting having a quiet nite.
All of a sudden, Mary gets up and gives her Joe such a smack that he falls off his chair. “What the fuck was that for?” he asked. Mary Answeed “thats for giving me 40 yrs of bad sex”.
Joe sits back for a while and thinks. He then gets up and proceeds to give Mary a smack back.
“What the fuck was that for?” Mary asked, Joe replied, “Thats for knowing the fucking difference”

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December 5, 2005 - marc gibson from dundee,scotlandUK

what do get when you turn a blonde upside down? a brunette with bad breath

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December 5, 2005 - Steve from Durham,England

An Auusie bird goes to USA where she befriends a skunk. After a couple of weeks she decides to take it home, but she is worried about getting it through customs, so she decides to stick it down her knickers.
Her old man says wot about the smell? she says “Well If it dies it dies!”

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December 5, 2005 - Johann Wagner from PortLincoln,SouthAustraliaAustralia

4 catholic nuns where tragically killed in a car acident and were sent to the gate of saint Peter in Heaven. St Peter said “ok if you have seen a mans private part you have to wash that part of your body in holy water”

so the 1st nun said “oh ive seen a mans private part” so she washed her eyes in holy water.

The 2nd nun said she had touched a mans private part so she had to wash her hands with holy water.

The 4th nun said to the 3rd “Hey can i step in front of you?” the 3rd nun asked why. The 4th nun said “oh i’d like to gargle some of the holy water before you stick you fucking ass in it!”

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December 5, 2005 - Craig Donovan from GoldCoast,QueenslandAustalia

1. What do cigarettes and lebanese have in common?
They come in pack of 25, they stink and everyone wants to ban them from pub’s and club’s.

2. Two Irish blokes were walking down the main street of Dublin, walked past the cop shop and saw a sign in the window stating: 2 blacks wanted for rape - and Patty turned to his mate and said “Them black cunts, they get all the good jobs”

3. What do aborigines and sperm have in common? Only one in a million work.

4. A blind man walks in to a bar and orders a drink. 5 minutes later he asks the bartender: “BARTENDER want to hear a blonde joke?” The whole bar suddenly turned silent. and a lady whispered in his ear:”I think you should know 5 things before u start the joke, considering you are blind:
1. The bartender is a blonde.
2. The security guard is a blonde.
3.Im a 6 foot blonde karate champion.
4.The lady next to you is a 6′5″ wrestling champion; and
5. The lady next to her is a women’s world champion heavyweight; she is also blonde. Now, ask yourself do u really want to continue the joke? And the blind man says “FUCK NO, THEN I’LL HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT 5 TIMES.”

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December 5, 2005 - Boi from Gizzy,NewZealand

A bat comes back to the cave with blood all over his face, hang on the wall of the cave and goes to sleep, after a few minutes the other bats smell the blood, they ask the bat where he got his blood from, but he just said “piss off man i wanna get sum sleep” but the other bats keep asking him where he got it from, so he gave up and lead them out of the cave over a river and in the forest the bat stopped and said “do you see that big tree there” and about 300 of them go “yep yep” and the bat says “well i fucken didn’t!!”

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December 5, 2005 - DaveB from St.Helens,MerseysideUK

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat Alan.

One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said, Fairy Godmother,what are you doing here after all these years?”

The Fairy Godmother said, “Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three more wishes.

Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”
Cinderella was overjoyed. “I wish I was extremely wealthy”, she said. Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with
fear.

“Oh, thank you Fairy Godmother,” said Cinderella.
“Is there anything else you might wish for”, asked the
Fairy Godmother. Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, “I wish I was young, and full of the beauty I once had.” At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt feelings inside her that she had not felt for years.

The Fairy Godmother said, “You have one wish
remaining, what shall you have?”

Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, “I wish you turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young man.”

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change, and then before them stood a young man with the looks and body that no other man could match.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke, “Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your new life,” and with that she
was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat breathless,gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms.

He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath, “bet you regret having my bollocks chopped off
now, don’t you?”

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December 5, 2005 - Ken from Tewkesbury,UK

A mans wife dies whilst on holiday in Isreal. The officials tell him that they can bury her there for £150 or they can prepare the body and fly it home for £15000.The husband says that he wants her flown home, but the officials can’t understand this.
“Why would you pay all that money to fly her home when you can give her a perfectly good funeral here for £150?” they ask
“Well” says the husband, “2000 years ago a man died in this country and in three days he rose from the dead. I just can’t take the same fucking chance.”

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December 5, 2005 - Marie Miller

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident;it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,
“So you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace
for the rest of our days”.
Flattered, the man replies, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!”
The woman continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine, celebrate our good fortune and see where the evening leads.” Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and
then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and
immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?” The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police….

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are evil bitches. Don’t mess with them..

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December 5, 2005 - Michael Andrews from Auckland,NewZealand

There’s an Ozzie a Kiwi and an Asian all to be sentanced to 20 lashings for stealing the judges girl.

On the day of the lashings the lasher says to the men for being so good you will all get 1 wish.

The Asian thinks and says “i wan’t a pillow strapped to my back” it’s done and the lashings start.
The pillow quickly shreads leaving the Asian on the ground in agony

The ozzie and the kiwi look at each other in horror and the ozzie says “oh i wish for 9 pillows to be strapped to my back. once again the pillows shread leaving the ozzie on the ground.

The lasher says to the kiwi you been extra good you gt two wishes the kiwi thinks and says “I wan’t a Hundred lashings!” but that will kill you gasped the lasher “let me finish” replied the kiwi “and I wan’t the Ozzie straped to my back.

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December 5, 2005 - Michael Andrews from Auckland,NewZealand

An Asian is standing by a dumpster in ponsonby looking out for any rich cunts walking about.

He spots an Englishman and says “oy bitch wanna scrap” ok replies the pom they go behind the dumpster and a passerby hears this whoooyah smack! the asian walks out smiling saying yeah i got his wallet.

An Hour later he spots an American walking past, the asain shouts out hey yank wanna scrap the american goes ok yeah they go behind the dumpster and another passerby hears a whoooyah smack! the asain walks out and says great ow i got 2 wallets.

About 5 minutes later a moari walks past and the asain asks him to fight the moari agree’s they go behind the dumpster and a policemen hears this whoooyah Diooong and the moari walks out saying I got 3 wallets and the crowbr i stole from Mitre10

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December 5, 2005 - Alan Nicholls from Skelmersdale,LancashireUK

As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, She found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister’s, which were a bit on the small side. When the day’s festivities
were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen’s and Prince Phillip’s.
As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped On the bed and said,
“Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are Killing me. ” The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour, But it was stuck fast.
“Harder!” Camilla yelled. “Harder!”
“I’m trying, darling!” The Prince yelled back. “It’s just so bloody tight!”
“Come on! Give it all you’ve got!”
There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, “There! That’s it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SOOO good!”
In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said “See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin.”
Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe. “Oh, my God, darling! This one’s even tighter!” exclaimed the heir to The throne.
At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, “That’s my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!”

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December 5, 2005 - Alec from Sutton,SurreyUK

Guy walks into a bar and sees a jar full of ten pound notes by the till. so he says to the barman, “whats that big jar for mate?” and the barman replies, “thats the money for our pub competition mate. you put your tenner in to enter, then you get three challenges. first you gotta go up to that huge bouncer over there and knock the fucker out with one punch. then, you gotta take these pliers out to the back yard. out in the yard is the biggest rottweiler you have ever seen, and he’s a mad, evil minded, vicious cunt. he’s got a bad toothache and you gotta pull out the rotten tooth. then you come in and go upstairs. in the end bedroom is my gran. shes 95 years old, fat and ugly and has never had an orgasm in her life. you’ve gotta go up there and sort her out. if you manage all that, you get the jar. there’s about two grand in there if you win.”
The bloke has a think and says “yep, ill give it a go”. so he putts his tenner in and walks up to the bouncer. BLAM! he knocks him on his ass with one swing and heads straight out the back door. for the next ten minutes all the barman can hear is screaming, crying barking and growling, and then the door swings open and the bloke walks back in, clothes shredded and pissing blood. “right”, he says to the barman, “wheres this old bitch with toothache?”

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December 5, 2005 - Joshua from VictoriaAustralia

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: “If you can catch me, you can have me.” Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: If you catch me you can have me.” Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it’s definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself to discover that he has lost another 20 lb as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. “Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone - “This is our most rigorous program.” “Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.” The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around his neck that read:,

“I’m Francis. If I catch you, you’re mine…”

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December 5, 2005 - jamie page from kent,england

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor tower block when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. “Damn, that was stupid,” she thought as she fell. “What a way to die.”

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.

While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, “Do you suck?”

“No!” she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. “Do you screw?” he asked.

“Of course not!” she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. “I suck! I screw!” she screamed in panic.

“Slut!” he said, and dropped her.

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December 5, 2005 - Deano from Wednesbury,England

two condoms walking down the street when they pass a gay nightclub and one of them turned to the other and said “hey jonny, you fancy going to get shit-faced”.

Two homosexual guys were walking down the road when one looked at the other and said “You see that guy across the road?” “Wow, he’s cute!” the other said. “Well, I had sex with that guy a couple of years back.” “No shit?” the other asked. “Not much…” replied the first.

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, “Man, I’m dying to have sex in the worst way. So the bartender says, “Well, the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock.”

Jack is on his death bed, and he says to his wife, “Can you give me one last wish?” She says, “Anything you want.” He says, “After I die, will you marry Larry?” She says, “But I thought you hated Larry.” With his last breath, he says, “I do.”

A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it’s answered by a 12yr old boy with a bong full of weed in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, “Excuse me son but is your mom or dad in?” To which the boy replies, “Does it fucking look like it?”

cya at the alexader theater in birmingham on the 25th…i got my tickets and i cant wait

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December 5, 2005 - Deano from Wednesbury,England

A blind man is sitting at a table in a restaurant when the waiter approaches him and asks “would you care to take a look at the menu sir?”, the blind man replied “im sorry but i cant read your menu as i am blind, could you just bring me a dirty knife from the wash area, ill smell it and ill decide from there”. Puzzled the waiter goes in the back and returns with the knife. “here you go sir” he says, the blind man smells the knife and says “hmmm sheppards pie, that smells nice ill take that”. so the waiter gave it him, he ate it and left. A couple of days later the blind man goes to the same restaurant and the waiter asked him again if he would like to see the menu, the blind man answered “dont you remember me, im the blind man from the other day, could you fetch me another dirty knife please” so off the waiter went and returned with the knife, “here you go sir”. The blind man had a sniff “hhmmmm, roast beef and yorkshire pudding, smells beutiful ill have that please” !
so again he ate and left. A week or so passed untill the blind man was in the restaurant again but this time the waiter remembered him went over to the table and said “good afterneen sir, would you like me to fetch you a knife?” “yes please” said the blind man so off the waiter went into the kitchen thinking to himself ‘this man isnt blind, he cant possably tell whats on the menu by sniffing at a dirty knife hes having me on here,ill have him’ so he got a clean one out from the drawer and said to his wife who was the chef “do me a favour?”.
“whats that?” she replied. “rub this knife on ya snatch for me will ya?”. “what the fuck for?” she asked in amazement, “i got this bloke sitting at a table and i think hes having me on, its kind of a test, please do it for me”, so she pops the knife down her pants and gives it a good old rub…”there you go” she said as she handed it him back and off the waiter went back to the blind mans table,”here you go sir” he said handing the blind man the knife. the blind man took a sniff,sat back in his chair and said “how long has jane been working here then mate?”

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December 5, 2005 - derek bluett from bicester,oxonengland

A kossavon who has just got his papers to stay in Enlgand is walking down the street in london and see`s a man standing by a lamp post,so being polite he says to the man”im so happy thank you for letting me stay in your lovely country” to whitch the man replies”sorry im a imigrant im from pakistan and am not english” so the man walks on and comes to another person so he stops and asks the same question to whitch the man replies”sorry im an imigrant and am not english”so the man comes accross a third person and asks the same question-and again the person replies”sorry im an imigrant and am not english” so the man asks”wher are all the english people then”
the imigrant looks at his gold watch and says
“working i should think”–good old england.

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December 5, 2005 - chris from wollongbar,N.S.WAustralia

a little boy walks in on his parents and ask’s “dad what are you doing?” the dad reply’s “well son you know how you have always wanted a little brother i am putting one in your mum”.
the next day the little boy is crying on the front varanda when his dad comes home from work the dad asks ” whats wrong my son” the little boy replies ” well you know how you put my little brother inside mum…… well the post man came today and ate him out”…..

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December 5, 2005 - Paul Carey from belfast,ireland

Two dyslexics in the kitchen and one says to the other - “can you smell gas?”

The other one replies “I can’t even smell my own name!”

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December 5, 2005 - Wayne from Newcastle,UK

Young Billy is in school one day & his pretty young teacher is asking the children maths questions. When she gets to Billy she says “Billy, there are three birds sitting on a fence, if you shoot one, how many are left?”
Billy thinks for a while, then he says “None Miss!”. “No Billy” she says “There would be 2 left!”. Billy pipes up and says “If I’d shot one of the birds, the noise of the gun would scare the other 2 away.” ” therefore there would be none left Miss” he said. “Well done” said the teacher “I like the way you think”.

Billy then says “Miss, I have a question for you” “there are three women sitting on a park bench, one is biting an ice lolly, one is sucking an ice lolly and the last one is licking an ice lolly”, “which one is married”
The teacher ponders Billy’s question for a few minutes then she says “the one sucking the ice lolly” “No” said Billy “the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think!”

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December 5, 2005 - nick from berks,uk

President Bush was visiting a primary school in New Orlens and he dropped in
on one of the classes that had just opened after Hurricane Katrina.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the
word “tragedy”.

So President Bush asked the class for an example of a “tragedy”.

One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that…..would that be a tragedy?”

“No,” said Bush, “that would be an accident.”

A little girl raised her hand:

“If a school bus carrying 50 children away from
the recent flood waters drove over a cliff killing everyone inside…that would
be a tragedy”

“I am afraid not” explained the president “that’s what we would call a great loss.”

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room.

“Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised hand. In a…..quiet voice he said:….

“If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a friendly-fire missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic!” exclaimed Bush. “That’s right, now tell me and the class why that would be a tragedy?”

“Well,” says the boy, “It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be a friggen’ accident either.”………….

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December 5, 2005 - Mark Radford from norfolk,England

Sue & Barry always used coded words when having sex. For Intercourse they used the term “Washing Machine”. One night Sue was really feeling tired and had an early night. Barry went up to bed about an hour later feeling in the mood for some action. He tapped Sue on the shoulder saying “Washing Machine”. Sue turned over”Not tonight Barry, I am far too tired”.As a couple of hours went by, this played on her mind and the guilt got too much for her. She turned over “Ok then Barry..Washing Machine”. Barry looked up at her and simply smiled” To Late Darling, it was only a small load so I did it by hand”.

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December 5, 2005 - Marcus Lang from Melbourne,VictoriaAustralia

There was 2 balls and a dick.

The dick said “Were goin out tonight”.

The balls replied “I dont want too”.

The dick said “why not”.

The balls replied “because every time we go out
we hav to stay outside and we ussally get beaten up by sum cunt”.

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December 5, 2005 - Martin C from kent,uk

There Was Once A Boy Who Couldn’t Talk Properly, His Mum Asked Him To Goto The Shops And Pick Up Some Things For Her.

Firstly he went to the bakers.
” Can I have a Bum please?” asked the boy
” You Mean a Bun dont ya mate?” said the baker.
” yeah ” he said. and on he went.

Secondly he went to the sweet shop.
” Can i have a lickit please? ” asked the boy
” Do you mean a liqorice? ” said the shop owner.
” Yeah Sorry thats it ” he said. and on he went.

Finally he went to the clock shop.
” Can I have a Cock please? ” asked the boy
” You mean a clock dont you boy?!! ” Exclaimed the shop owner.
” Yeah, sorry ” he said.

On his way home an old lady asked him for the time.
” Yeah ”
” Hold My Bum And Lickit While I Get My Cock Out!!!! “

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December 5, 2005 - Matty Cooper from Karratha,WAAustralia

*Wots three things that an abbo will never get?

1. A black eye
2. A fat lip
3. and a job!

*Wots long, black and smells?

The Welfare Line!

*how do you starve an abbo?

hide his welfare check under his work boots!

*Wot does a gin use as a viabrator?

an empty stubbie with a blow fly in it!

*why do black fellas smell?

so blind people can hate them too!

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December 5, 2005 - Ron Mcneil from England

Nice sequence of one-liners to kick-off:

Did the alians forget to remove your anal probe

Yeah, right! Like I’m gonna put that icky thing in my mouth

Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage

I’m not your type, I’m not inflatable

Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!

Does this condom make me look fat?

And which dwarf are you?

—————————————————————————-

English cricket selectors have just announced that Michael Vaughan is to be sacked as captain and replace by Paula Yates on the basis that she’s the only person in England who’s managed to screw an Aussie, get favourable publicity and return to the mother country with the ashes.

Ashes Jokes:

What is the height of optimism? An England batsman putting on sunscreen.

What is the main function of the Englan coach? To get the team from the hotel to the ground.

What’s the English version of a hat-trick? Three runs in three balls.

What’s the English version of LBW? Lost, beaten and walloped.

Whatt do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name? A bowler.

———————————————————————————————-

A confused nine-year old boy goes up to his mother and askes, “Is God male or female?” After thinking a moment his mother responds, “Well, God is both male and female.”
This confuses the little boy so he asks, “Is God black or white?” “Well, God is both black and white.”
Further confused the boy asks, “Is God gay or straight?” at which his mother is getting concerned, but answers anyway, “Honey, God is bothe straight and gay.”
At this the boy’s face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, “Is God Michael Jackson?”

——————————————————————————————

If you love something set it free
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats all your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money
and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place…..

You either married it or gave birth to it.

—————————————————————————————-

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh manure.
Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and he ate and he ate.

Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away.
He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground.

As he looked around wondering what to do, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall.
He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.
Unfortunately, he was wrong and dropped like a rock…. splatting when he hit the floor. Dead.

The moral of the story is….

Never fly off the handle when you know you’re full of shit.

—————————————————————————————–

Ever wondered why David Beckham’s got short hair? Well it turns out that one of Victoria’s friends told her that sex was better if she shaved her twat.

Man marries a deaf girl. He signs to her “Let’s make a code. If I want sex, I will squeeeze one breast. In response you can pull my penis once for yes and 50 times for no.

Woman goes into hospital for a fanny tuck. Later she receives three bouquets of flowers. One from her husband, one from the surgeon and one from a satisfied burns victim who has new ears.

Paddy comes home to find his wife in a peep-hole bra and crotchless panties. She opens her legs and says “do you want to lick this?” “FUCK OFF, look what it’s done to your knickers.

Women are like milk cartons. It’s not so much what’s inside nor how it looks on the outside, it’s getting those fucking flaps open.

Did you know this message cost 10p. This 10p could feed an asylum seeker for 3 months. Send this text to all your mates and help starve the fuckers.

Mary had a little lamb
She tied it to a pylon
A 1,000 volts shot up its arse
And turned it into nylon.

And finally…. for now……

NEWS FLASH! Major eartquake in Pakistan. 500,000 dead. Australia sending food, USA sending shelter, Luton sending replacements.

(NB: Luton is a town north of London which is almost all Pakistani residents.)

——————————————————————————————————-

And finally…. again……
The importance of doing a risk assessment ???

This is a bricklayer’s accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the British equivalent of the Worker’s Compensation Board.

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he’d have walked away with a Darwin Award for sure.

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put “Poor Planning??? as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade.

On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found some bricks left over, which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me down enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down to me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your enquiry?

————————————————————————————————————————————————-

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December 5, 2005 - Stu ( The Honeymonster ) from UK

You know when you have Bird Flu because you have an uncontrolable urge to shit on someones windshild.

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December 5, 2005 - bill hanna from newry,downnorthernireland

how do new zealanders find sheep in long grass?

……EXCITING……

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December 5, 2005 - Ron Stringer from Nottingham,England

Did you hear about the man who turned down an invite to a wife swapping party because he had no where to put two camels and a goat.

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December 5, 2005 - Ron Stringer from Nottingham,England

A Man and wife sitting in bed reading.

Man. What are you reading about?
Wife. A letter from a woman who wanted her pubic hair shaved, and how her husband did it for her. She then asked, would you like to shave my pussy for me?
Man. Not realy I would be too frightened.
Wife. Why? are you worried about? cutting me.
Man. No Falling in.

---

December 5, 2005 - Stuie the Pom from OffenbachamMain,HessenGermany

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”

The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”

The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”

“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”

“Tiger Woods.”

“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

“What are you doing?” asks the wife.

The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. “Now what are you doing?” she asks.

The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

“He’d come back to bed and do it again.”

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”

“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.”

---

December 5, 2005 - pete from chelmsford,essexuk

Mujibar was trying to get into Britain legally through immigration.

The Officer said, “Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Britain.”

Mujibar said, “I am ready.”

The officer said, “Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.”

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, “Mister Officer, I am ready.”

The Officer said, “Go ahead.”

Mujibar said, “The telephone goes green green, green green, and I pink it up and say, ‘Yellow, this is Mujibar.’”

Mujibar now works at a call centre near you.

---

December 5, 2005 - Josh Beckett from Kalgoorlie,WesternAustraliaAustralia

A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, “Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?” “Yes, dear,” replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn’t have to explain it.” But then when I have a baby, won’t it knock my teeth out?”

---

December 5, 2005 - Martin C from Kent,uk

There was 3 blokes on an aeroplane.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Paki.

The Pilot came over the speaker and said,
“The Plane is overloaded so throw off any junk you dont need otherwise the plane will crash!”

So The Scotsman Threw off all the scotch on the plane.
The Englishman and the Paki Asked him why he did it.
and he replied..
“We Got plenty Of those in our country.”
Next the Paki threw off all the Currys on the plane.
The Englishman and the Scotsman asked him why he done it.
and he replied..
“we Got plenty of those in our country.”
Finally the Englishman Threw off the Paki.
The Scotsman Screamed in disbelief..
“WHY DID YOU DO THAT!!?!?”
the englishman replied…
“WE GOT PLENTY OF THOSE FUCKERS IN OUR COUNTRY!”

---

December 5, 2005 - Plums, aussie in london from London,UK

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

“To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don’t be upset - I shall be back home before midnight.”

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

“My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know , I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the
Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one
small difference. 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back home until sometime tomorrow.”

---

December 5, 2005 - AJ

Some may have read this before OR had a similar version, but it is still a good’en.
Maybe they should show this one at them marriage counselling meetings!

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on
cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?” The wife
smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
“Darn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”

The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.” The driver says, “Yeah, well,
you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”

The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”

“Only when he’s been drinking.”

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December 5, 2005 - dan howard from Hitchin,hertsuk

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?” He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.”

She said, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.”

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?” He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.”

---

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