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Everyone enjoys a good limerick — or even a bad one! So, keeping that in mind, here’s a page where you can send in YOUR best (or worst) limericks.
Although we’re happy to accept hoary old favourites that have been around forever, what we really would like are “PERSONAL LIMERICKS”; that is, limericks you make up that describe you (and they don’t even have to be truthful!).
there was a young man from Dundee
who got stung on the nose by a wasp
when asked did it hurt
he replied”not a bit
it can do it again if it likes”
there was a young lady from Bude
who went for a swim on a lake
a man in a punt
stuck his prick up her nose
and said sorry love you cant swim here it`s private property!
CHING CHONG CHINA MAN
TRIED TO MILK A COW
DIDNT KNOW HOW
PULLED THE WRONG TIT AND ENDED UP IN SHIT
if you go down into the woods today you better close your eyes.
if you go down in the woods today your in for a big surprise.
cause mum and dad are having a shag
and uncle frank is having a wank
and auntie flo is having a go with grandad.
There once was a man from china
who wasnt a very good climber
he sliped on a rock
and cut of his cock
now he has a vagina
ther once was a man fron sprocket
who went up to space in a rocket
the rocket went bang
and his ball went clang
and his dick ended up in his top pocket
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet
she was having a binge,
along came a spider that crawled up inside her,
now a cobwed covers her minge
Bondy was from Dalkieth
He circumsized men with his teeth
Was not for the pleasure or
sexual teasure
But to get at the cheese underneath
There once was a woman from Dunnorrie
Who once got f*cked in a quarry
She lay on her back and opened her crack
And the drive backed in with his lorry….
May had a little lamb, it was forever grunting, she tied to a barbed wire fence, and kicked its fuckin cunt in!!!
There was a man called Moulder,
Who attempted to throw a small boulder,
instead, he tripped on a rock,
grasped his own cock,
and threw himself over his shoulder!!!!
Jack and Jill went up the hill
for a game of sexual twister
a baby was born, its face was deformed
turned out jack rooted his sister
There was a young man from Marsailles, Who lived on clap-juice and snails, When he couldn’t afford these, He lived on the cheese, He scraped from his cock with his nails.
Mary had a little lamb,
its fleece was oh so red,
The reason that she had for this,
was the pick axe in its head!
Snow White has aids, The 3 Little Pigs are in jail, Red Riding Hood is pregnant with Wolf’s baby, Goldilocks is a lesbian, Rumpelstiltskin smuggles drugs and Jane is beating up Barbie because Ken is gay and he gave Tarzan a blowjob. Now Heidi and Cinderella are involved in a syndicate giving the Smurfs pills in exchange for sex! So fairyland is FUCKED. How are things with you?…….OOOPS, I forgot Pinochio he got his dick caught in a pencil sharpener and Little Boy Blue is under the hay stack fucking Little Bo Peep.
Little bird with broken wing cannot fly cannot sing, i think i’ve killed th fucken thing.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a rock, Little Bo Peep was sucking his cock. As soon as he came she started to weep. She new by the taste he’d been fucking her sheep
There once was a girl from Port Broughton
Who had one long tit and one short’n
To make up for that
She had a dirty great crack
And a fart like a 650 Norton
——————————–
There was a young lady from York
Seducing herself with a cork
It stuck in her vagina
And can you imagine her
Prying it out with a fork
————————-
Said James Bond to Miss Moneypenny
“How long is it since you had any”
She said “Oh how long”
“Since I’ve had a good shlong”
So he stripped her and fucked her big fanny
———————————-
A policeman of Paddington Junction
Whose organ had long ceased to fuction
All the days of her life
He deceived his poor wife
with the dextrous juice of his trungeon
I once knew a girl from Nantucket,
who flew to the moon in a bucket.
When she got there,
they as for her fare.
So she lifted her skirt and said fuck it.
There once was a man from Racine,
who owned a bisexual machine.
Concave or convex,
it could handle both sex.
But oh, what a machine to clean.
There was a young vampire called Mable
Who’s periods were ever so stable
With the aid of a spoon
By the light of the moon
She’d drink herself under the table
There was a young lady named Jill
Who tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her vagina in North Carolina
and bits of her tits in Brazil
old mother hubbard went to the cubbord to fetch her small dog a bone she bent over she bent over rover took over and gave her a bone of of his own
There was a young lady from Madras
Who posessed a magnificent ass
Not rounded and pink
As you probably think
It was grey, had long ears and ate grass
There was a young fellow from Boston.
Who rode round town in an Austin.
He had room for his ass,
and a can of gas.
But his balls hung out the door and he lost’em.
There was a bloke called Mcplugger
oh what a dirty bugger
he wasnt fit
to shovel shit
from one place to another
There was a young woman named Dinah
She has the worlds largest Vagina
She filled it with rocks
To keep out the cocks
In the end, she married a miner!
There was a young bloke named Ben
Who was in the cookyard chasing a hen
He wrapped one in tape
and fucked it, felt great!
and gave the slut 9 out of ten
mary had a little lamb it’s fleece was ohso red the reason for this it had a pick axe in it’s head
There was a young lady from Ealing
That had a peculiar feeling
So she laid on her back
And opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling
Mary had a little bike
she rode it back to front
and every time the wheels went round
the spokes went up her ?
THERE WAS A YOUNG MAN FROM KENT
WHO’S DICK WAS INCREDIBLY BENT
TO SAVE HIM SOME TROUBLE
HE PUT IT IN DOUBLE
AND INSTEAD OF COMING HE WENT!
i promise to be here when no-one else is
ill always be here for a hug and a kiss
dont think i am lying
cause i really will
but at the end of it all
ill send u the bill!
i am a farmer me name be bob,
im widly known by the size of me knob
its too big for women
so none i can keep
but its just the rite size to be shaggin me sheep!
there once woz a man called dave
who dug up a prostitutes grave
she smelt like shit
and was missing a tit
but look at the money he saved!
there once was a woman from kent to the foot ball game she went she went for the goal and showed them her hole and thats where the football had went
there was a girl called lizie
hu’s pubes wer very frizzy
she went dwn the dene
tanked flicked her bean and shagged until sagged
There was a young lady from Twickenham
Who bought big boots so she could kick in em
but she couldnt walk quick in em
let alone kick a trick in em
so she took em off an was sick in em
There was a young man from Bengall
Who went to a famous dance hall
His one famous trick was to stand on his dick
And slide down the hall on one ball
mary had a little lamb its fleece was white as snow when she came home from work she gave it a blow
there was a man from spain he tied his balls to a train the train went fast and tickled his ass and he never did it again
Mirror mirror on the door make my cock touch the floor
there was an almighty bang and his legs fell off
There once was a woman named Alice
Who used dynamite for a phallus.
They found her vagina
in South Carolina,
And the rest of her landed in Dallas.
THERE ONCE WAS A MAN FROM NANTUCKET
WHOS DICK WAS SO LONG HE COULD SUCK IT
HE SAID WITH A GRIN
AS HE WIPED HIS CHIN
IF MY EAR WAS A CUNT I WOULD FUCK IT!
LITTLE JACK HORNER SAT IN A CORNER
EATING A PIZZA PIE
HE SHIT PEPPERONI
BLEW HIS FRIEND TONY
THEN WIPED HIS MOUTH WITH HIS TIE!
THERE ONCE WAS A MAN FROM GRET MASS
WHOS TESTICLES WHERE MADE OUT OF BRASS
WHEN HE CLANGED THEM TOGETHER
IN STORMY WEATHER
LIGHTNING SHOT OUT OF HIS ASS!
Mary had a lil’ lamb,
It’s arse was mighty sore,
It kicked its legs,
Felt a head,
And a Kiwi dropped to the floor
rosses are red violets are blue if it wasent for you my balls would be to
There’s this girl i started dating, all those years ago.
I found she was quite lovely, the more i got to kno.
so 2 years on we married, and lived in total bliss.
and then she said i’m pregnant, and found ourselves with kids.
Now she hasn’t the greatest body, the kids made sure of that.
they made her fanny wider, and made her arse got fat.
all the same i love her, so much u wouldn’t believe.
and though we are apart all week, she kno’s i’ll never leave.
my names korkey
and i live in a tree
i sell condoms for 25p
some for 50, some for a bob,
all depends on the size of your knob!
when he was young and he had ne sense,
he caught his balls on a barbed wire fense,
down the docter had to go,
balls and all he had to show,
in came th nurse to take a glanse
down with the trousers,
off with the pants,
docter, docter am i going to die,
yes you basterd say goodbye
there once was a man from horsham
who took out his balls to warsh em
his mum said jack if u dont put em back
ill put em on the ground an squarsh em
TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE RECTUM
BIG COCKS CUM WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT EM
NEVER MIND THE SCREAMS OF PASSION
LET ME DO YOU DOGGY FASHION
jack and jill went up the hill so jack could eat jills fanny jack got a shock with a mouth full of cock because jill was only a tranny.
there was a young lady from hitchen
who was scratching her cunt in the kitchen
her father said rose its crabs i suppose
she replied yes and the bastards are itching
There was a girl from Austraillia
Who thought all pricks were a failure
so she laid on her back
and opened her crack
and in reversed a lorry and trailler
I have a purple penis,
Of which I’m very proud.
Whenever I display it,
It always draws a crowd.
I showed it off in London,
I took it out in Kent.
But when I got to Dover,
The Goddamn thing was bent!
I love my purple penis,
(I’ve had it all my life)
There’s nothing I like better
Than to put it in my wife!
There once was a girl called Clare,
She had the most beautiful hair;
It never got old,
And never grew mould,
Then she was eaten by a bear!
their once was a girl from wick,
who said to her mum whats a dick,
her mum said,
my poor annie,
it goes up your fanny,
and jumps up and down til it’s sick
GUYS SAY ITS GREAT
GUYS SAY ITS FINE
NINE MONTHS LATER
THEY SAY ITS NOT MINE
There was a young man named Pool
Who found a red ring round his tool
He went to the clinic
Where the doctor, a cinic
Said thats only lipstick, you fool.
Humpty dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Said fuck him he’s only an egg.
There was an old man from Brazil
Who swallowed a Dynamite Pill
His arse backfired, his heart retired
And penis shot over the hill
yankee doodle went to town riding on his heater he accidently turned it on and burnt his little weiner
Here i sit, in stinking vapour
Some cunts used all the toilet paper
The show must go on, I can not linger
Look out arse, here comes my finger!
when i iwas young & beautiful with hairs around my quim,
i`d sit upon my bed & stick my finger in,
now im old & ugly & my quim has lost its charm,
i now fit all my fingers in & half my fucking arm!
Simple Simon met a Pieman
Going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman
“What have you there”?
“Pies you cunt”!
Mary had a little sheep
and with the sheep she used to sleep
The sheep turned out to be a ram
so Mary had a little lamb
There was a young man from Dundee
Who got stung by a wasp on the knee
When asked “Did it hurt”?
He said “Of course”!
“But I’m lucky it wasn’t a Hornet”.
there once was a man from calcutter
who lay downdrunk in the gutter
the sun melt a hole through his bum
and melted his balls to butter
THERE WAS A YOUNG MAN FROM CAPE HORN
WHO WISHED HE HAD NEVER BEEN BORN
AND HE WOULDNT HAVE BEEN
IF HIS FATHER HAD SEEN
THAT THE TIP OF THE CONDOM WAS TORN
yanky doodle went to town riding on a pony did a fart ‘n’ the kart and parolised the pony.
there was a young women from lod
who thorght babys came from god
it wann’t the all mighty that wen up her nighty
it was roger the lodger the sod
mary had a little lamb she couldnt stop it grunting ever time it made a sound she kick its little cuntti
there was a young fella from totnem who pulled out his nakaz 2 wash em his mum said “jack if ya dont put em back ill step on tha fuckaz n squash em”
Tere was a lady from weeling who came across this feeling, she laid on back and ticeled her crack, and came all over the celing!!
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on the wall
HUMPTY DUMPTY had a great fall
all the kings horses & all the kings men
couldn’t put the fat mother fucker together again..
Mary Had A Little Lamb Her Father Shot It Dead And Now It Goes To School With Her Between 2 Slices Of Bread
mirror,mirror on the wall who is the sexyest of them all
the mirror laughed and gave a grunt
not you ugly CUNT
There once was a young man from goshum
who got out his bollocks to wash em
his wife said jack
if you don’t put them back
i’m ganna tred on ya bollocks an squash em
there was a young man from hockett
who strapped himself onto a rocket
the force from the blast
blew his balls up his arse
and they found his cock in his pocket
There once was a vampire called Mable,
Whose period was heavy but stable,
So every full moon,
With the aid of a spoon,
She drank herslef under the table
My Granny plays for Ireland,
She nearly scored a goal,
She done the splits
And burst her tits
And the ball went up her hole!!!
There is a young man called Dan broughton
Who has a long bollock and a short en
To make up for this loss
He has a cock like a hoss
and a fart like a 350 Norton
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall All the kings horses and all the kings men said Fuck him he’s only an egg
There once was a lady from Nizes
who had breasts of two different sizes.
One was so small,
almost nothing at all,
but the other was large and won prizes!
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have some hanky panky
Jack forgot the jonny so
They had to use a hanky.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have some hanky panky
Jill forgot to pop the pill
Now they have wee Franky
I once had a very dumb dragon,
Who had a tail which didn’t stop waggin’,
He wagged it alot,
That he could not STOP!
And now it’s draggin’ in a wagon’.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to have some hanky panky
I don’t know what went on up there
But now there’s little frankie.
—————————————-
Sex is a gamble
Sex is a game
One night of pleasure
Nine months of pain
The father is a bastard
And the baby is a git
All because the damn condom split!
There was an old lady from Kent
Who went to a football event
She sat behind the goal
And opened her hole
and guess where the football went?
There was an alien on mars,
who just loved to look at the stars,
until he put his head between his legs,
and vanished up his arse.
an egyptian slave named elijah,
said to another boy i’d like to ride ya’
coz i feel a bit queer,
being chained up in here,
so i might aswell pump one in side ya.
their once was a young man from china,
who wasnt a very good climer,
he slipped on a rock,
chopped off his cock,
and now he has got a vagina
There once was a man from belaire,
Who was doing his girl on the stairs,
When the banster broke,
He finished her in mid air
Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides
and every time the boys walked past they could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt with a split right up the front, but she doesn’t wear that one much.
Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over, Rover took over
And gave her a bone of his own.
There was a young man named Perken
Who was always jerken his gerken
His wife said “hey Perken stop jerken your gerken your gerkens for furken not jerken.”
There once was a girl named Mandy
who was ever so randy
She found a mick
And sucked his dick
She said it tasted like candy
Poor Todd saw quite the sight
naked dwarves made him fright
But it wasn’t a dwarf
Just a bum on a warf
Todd was just high as a kite.
Little Miss Muffit sat on her tuffit,
her knickers all tattered and torn.
It wasn’t the spider that sat down beside her,
but little boy blue with his horn.
There once was a man from china who wasnt a very good climber, He slipped on a rock cut off his cock, and now he has a vagina
there once was a girl called louise,
who’s pubes hung down to her knees,
so the crabs in her twat,tied her hairs in a platt,
and constructed a flying trapeze
There once was a lady from reno,
Who made it big playing keno,
As she laid on her back,
And spread open her crack,
Well damn now she owns the casino.
………………………………………….
mary had a little lamb
his fleece was white and whispy
then along came foot and mouth
and now he’s black and crispy
…………………………………………..
mary had a little lamb
she tyed him to a pylon
10,000 volts went up his arse and turned his wool to nylon
there was a young man from down ducket
who’s cock was so long he could suck it
he said with a grin wiping spunk from his chin
if my ear was a cunt i could fuck it
………………………………………….
mary had a little lamb
his fleece was white and whispy
then along came foot and mouth
and now he’s black and crispy
…………………………………………..
mary had a little lamb
she tyed him to a pylon
10,000 volts went up his arse and turned his wool to nylon
There once was a girl called Dani,
i wanted to lick her fanny,
when i got down
i started to frown
cause the bitch was a fucking tranny.
If i was a robot,
and you was one to,
if i lost a nut,
would you give me a screw
Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed
Little Bo Peep was giving him head
As he came she started to weep
She could tell by the taste he’d been fucking her sheep
Sex is evil, sex is a sin
but sins are forgiven so get stuck in
don’t make love on the garden gate
love is blind but the niegbours ain’t
i’ll fuck you standing, sitting ,lieing
if you had wings i’d fuck you flying
and when your dead and all forgotten
i’ll dig you up and fuck you rotten
There was a young lady called Brewer
And hundreds of fellers went through ‘er.
The smell from her prat
Killed a fucking great rat
Who’d lived all his life in a sewer.
There was a youmg man from Kent
Whose tool was terribly bent.
So to save himself trouble,
He put it in double,
And instead of coming he went
Mary had a little lamb,
she called it frisky frollocks,
everytime it climbed the fence,
it caught its hairy bollocks.
———————————-
There was a young man called Bill,
who swallowed a gun powder pill,
his stomach retired and his bum backfired,
and his balls rolled over the hill.
———————————-
little jack horner sat in a corner fucking his girlfriend dry he put in his thumb pulled out some cum and said what a good boy am i
Jack and Jill went up the hill
So jack could lick jill’s fanny,
Jack got a shock,
And a mouth full of cock,
coz jill’s a fucking tranny.
Yankee Doodle went to town,
Riding Minnie Miner,
He slipped on a rock,
And split his cock,
And now he has a vagina.
Mary had a Little Lamb She sat it On The telly 2000 Volts went Up His Arse And Turned His balls To Jelly
There was a young lady from Ecuador
Who had an affair with a toreador.
He got out his dick;
It was six inches thick.
She said “it’s a cunt not a corridor”.
There was a young lady from Gorton
With one long leg and one short one.
And not only that
She had a big hairy twat;
And a fart like a 650 Norton.
I once knew a girl from Malpas
Who had a lovely big ass.
It’s not what you think,
All flabby and pink
But grey had long ears and ate grass.
mary had a little lamb
it was as black as charcoal
and every time it farted
sparks flew out its arsehole
—————————-
mary had a little lamb
she took it to a weddin’
she took it behind the church
and kicked its fuckin’ head in
——————————
Mary had a little pig
she hid it in a bucket
and everytime it tried to escape
the dog tried to fuck it
————————
Mary had a little bike
she rode it on the grass
and everytime the wheel went round
a spike went up her arse
————————
mary had a little bike
she rode it back to front
and every time the wheel went round
a spike went up her cunt
————————
mary had a little lamb
she also had a duck
she put ‘em on the mattle peice
to see it they would fuck
————————-
there was a whore from winoo
who covered her vagina in glue
she said with a grin
“if they pay to get in
they can pay to get out too”
—————————-
there was a girl from beyshing
who had a very funny feeling
she laid on her back
and opened her crack
and pissed all over the ceiling
——————————-
there was once a man from leeds
who swallowed a packet of seeds
an acre of grass
grew out of his arse
and his balls were covered in weeds
———————————–
mary has a little lamb
she also has a bear
ive often seen her little lamb
but ive never seen her bare
—————————
there once was a girl from berubi
who had an amputated boobie
she said i have to use my hand
because i cant get a man
and no one wants to put one through me
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